By Su Yu, China

I make videos in the church. When I first started training, I would seek help from people when I didn’t understand something. Later, I gradually grasped some principles and even made a few videos independently. Everyone said I was making swift progress and the supervisor also said my videos were innovative and thoughtful. Hearing this made me feel very pleased with myself, and I thought I had some gifts and strengths in video production. After that, I hardly ever asked others for help when making videos and most of the time, I tried to think through and resolve problems by myself. One time, I was making a video that was a bit challenging, and was kind of at a loss, so I thought about asking the team leader to give me a simpler one. But then I thought, “Since I chose this video, if I go and tell the team leader I can’t do it, will she look down on me? Forget it, this video may be tricky, but if I work hard on it, I might just be able to get it done.” So I didn’t say anything, and just put my head down and kept researching and brainstorming on my own. But after a lot of thinking, I still had no clue how to get it done, and I thought about asking someone else to take a look and help me, but then I thought, “I’ve been training for a while now. If I still keep asking others for help, will they think I’m lacking in caliber? No, I’ll just keep trying to figure it out myself.” At that moment, the team leader asked me, “How’s the video coming along? If you’re having trouble, you can switch to an easier one.” I thought to myself, “I can’t switch now. If I did, wouldn’t I look incompetent?” So I put on a calm face and said, “I’m figuring out how to tackle this. I don’t need to switch.” After saying this, I felt an uneasiness within me. I had been thinking over this video for a long time and still had no idea how to approach it. This was as far as my abilities would go, and I realized that continuing to try and force my way through this problem wasn’t a solution, but I still didn’t tell the team leader. After two or three days, I still hadn’t made any progress with the video, so I had no choice but to finally ask someone else for help with it. Not long after, I started working on a video in a new format. Although I had already discussed the approach with everyone, I still encountered difficulties during the production process, and thought about talking about it with the team leader again. But then I thought, “We’ve already discussed this. If I ask again, will the team leader think I’m lacking in caliber and that I need to be told things several times just to make one video?” To avoid letting everyone see there were things I didn’t understand or couldn’t do in the production process, I pretended to know what I was doing and just kept working at my computer, but after spending several days on it, I still couldn’t finish the video, and in the end, I had to ask the team leader to help. These two failures made me feel deeply embarrassed, but I didn’t reflect on myself and continued to put up a front, and as a result, my duty didn’t produce any results. I became negative and judged myself as lacking in caliber and unsuited for video production. I felt really repressed and pained. Sometimes I wanted to talk to someone about my state, but I was afraid that if others saw my weaknesses and shortcomings, they would look down on me, so I didn’t want to open up.

One time, the team leader gave me a suggestion, saying, “You don’t fellowship on your experiential understanding of God’s words in gatherings, nor do you talk about your corruption or shortcomings, or how you’ve experienced difficulties in your duty. It seems like you’re just speaking words and doctrines to show off.” I saw that the team leader saw right through me, and I felt so embarrassed. My face burned and I lowered my head without saying a word. Later on, the team leader sent me a passage of God’s words to help me. God says: “People themselves are created beings. Can created beings achieve omnipotence? Can they achieve perfection and flawlessness? Can they achieve proficiency in everything, come to understand everything, see through everything, and be capable of everything? They cannot. However, within humans, there are corrupt dispositions, and a fatal weakness: As soon as they learn a skill or profession, people feel that they are capable, that they are people with status and worth, and that they are professionals. No matter how unexceptional they are, they all want to package themselves as some famous or exceptional individual, to turn themselves into some minor celebrity, and make people think they are perfect and flawless, without a single defect; in the eyes of others, they wish to become famous, powerful, or some great figure, and they want to become mighty, capable of anything, with nothing they cannot do. They feel that if they sought others’ help, they would appear incapable, weak, and inferior, and that people would look down on them. For this reason, they always want to keep up a front. Some people, when asked to do something, say they know how to do it, when they actually do not. Afterward, in secret, they look it up and try to learn how to do it, but after studying it for several days, they still do not understand how to do it. When asked how they are getting on with it, they say, ‘Soon, soon!’ But in their hearts, they’re thinking, ‘I’m not there yet, I have no idea, I don’t know what to do! I must not let the cat out of the bag, I must continue putting on a front, I can’t let people see my shortcomings and ignorance, I can’t let them look down on me!’ What problem is this? This is a living hell of trying to save face at all costs. What kind of disposition is this? Such people’s arrogance knows no bounds, they have lost all reason. They do not wish to be like everyone else, they don’t want to be ordinary people, normal people, but superhumans, exceptional individuals, or hotshots. This is such a huge problem! With regard to the weaknesses, shortcomings, ignorance, foolishness, and lack of understanding within normal humanity, they will wrap it all up, and not let other people see it, and then keep on disguising themselves” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). After reading God’s words, I understood that humans are created beings and all have many shortcomings and deficiencies. No matter how capable a person may be, it’s impossible to be able to handle and do everything. Not being able to treat one’s shortcomings and deficiencies correctly and consistently disguising oneself instead is utterly foolish, ignorant, arrogant, and unreasonable. I thought about how when I was just starting to train in video production and hadn’t yet grasped the principles well, it was normal for me to be unable to make complex videos. But I didn’t recognize my own limited abilities, and after making a few videos, when brothers and sisters gave me a little praise and encouragement, I began to think I had good caliber, and that I was capable and had professional skills. When I encountered things I couldn’t do or understand, I stopped seeking help and just concealed and disguised myself, fearing that if others saw my shortcomings, it would change their good impression of me. The team leader noticed my struggles and actively offered to help me, but I kept putting up a front and refused her help, preferring to covertly research by myself and waste time rather than open up about my difficulties. As a result, I delayed the progress of the video. I did the same thing when making a video in a new format. Even though I clearly had no idea what to do, I deliberately pretended to be working on it to deceive others. I wasted a lot of time, and the video still didn’t get made. To maintain the good image others had of me, I covered up my difficulties and shortcomings, and didn’t let anyone see them. Even when I was feeling negative, I didn’t let anyone know. I kept wanting to disguise myself as someone who could do everything and who surpassed everyone at everything. I was so arrogant and completely lacking in self-awareness! But I couldn’t see through this matter, and just kept disguising myself. When I encountered problems or difficulties, I didn’t open up to seek help, resulting in problems remaining unsolved, which not only affected my own state but also delayed video production. When I thought about it, I realized just how foolish I was. I then recalled God’s words: “If you have many confidences that you are reluctant to share, if you are highly averse to laying bare your secrets—your difficulties—before others to seek the way of the light, then I say that you are someone who will not attain salvation easily, and who will not easily emerge from the darkness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Three Admonitions). From God’s words, I understood that not disguising oneself, being simple, open, and honest, and bringing forth one’s corruption, difficulties, and deficiencies in fellowship to seek the truth are marks of an intelligent person, and only these people can understand the truth and attain liberation. But I was clearly lacking in many areas, and I had many difficulties when it came to making videos in new formats in particular, but I didn’t even have the guts to say something as simple as “I can’t do this” or “I don’t understand.” Instead, I went to great lengths to conceal and disguise myself, fearing that if everyone saw me as I really was, they would look down on me, which made my life both exhausting and difficult. Time and again, I disguised myself, thinking I was being clever and could fool others, but in reality, everyone already saw my true capabilities, and not only did I fail to save face, but I also made a bigger fool of myself. By concealing and disguising myself like this, and not daring to open my heart and seek fellowship, I couldn’t receive the enlightenment or illumination of the Holy Spirit, and the difficulties in my work couldn’t get resolved, which only obstructed and caused losses to the church’s work. After understanding these things, I opened up to my brothers and sisters in fellowship and exposed my corruption and deficiencies, and instead of looking down on me, they all fellowshipped with me and helped me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. After this, when I encountered video production tasks that I couldn’t handle, I actively sought help from my brothers and sisters. After practicing this for a while, I made some progress in my technical skills, and I became more efficient in my duties. I was so grateful to God!

Later, the church assigned me to be responsible for watering newcomers. After a period of training, I grasped some principles and was able to resolve the problems and difficulties of the newcomers. The brothers and sisters commented that I was diligent, responsible, and able to bear hardships in my duties. Hearing everyone’s praise made me really happy and think I was doing pretty well, and without even realizing it, I started to disguise myself again. One evening, I couldn’t figure out some of the questions raised by a few of the newcomers, and after mulling them over for a long time and still not knowing how to solve them, I wanted to go to bed. Just then, Sister Zhang Jing, who was collaborating with me, asked, “You’re still up at this hour? Do you need some help?” I thought about how Zhang Jing had been watering newcomers for a long time and had some experience with the work, so I wanted to talk to her. But then I thought, “If I keep asking her about everything, will she think I’m so incapable that I can’t even solve this problem? Will she look down on me? No way, I’ll figure it out myself. This way, she’ll still have a good impression of me as someone who’s willing to stay up late, endure hardship, and pay a price.” So I mustered up my energy and told her I could handle things and that she should go to sleep. That night, I stayed up until 2 a.m. and still didn’t figure out how to resolve some of the problems. I not only wasted time, but delayed the work as well, and I felt an indescribable sense of repression and discomfort within me. I was also pretty angry with myself, thinking, “Why can’t I just be honest and say I need help? Why bother acting tough and pretending I can do everything?” But I still didn’t reflect on myself. Later, the scope of my responsibilities grew, and the problems and difficulties I encountered in my work just kept growing along with it, but my understanding of the truth was shallow, and I struggled to see issues clearly and resolve them. Sometimes, the waterers were in poor states, and their duties weren’t yielding any results, and I didn’t know how to resolve their issues. To prevent others from seeing my deficiencies and shortcomings, I just mulled things over by myself, and when there was a problem I really couldn’t solve, I would become so negative that I would cry in secret. But even so, I still kept pushing through. During a work review, I saw that the results of the work I was responsible for were very poor, that a lot of old problems hadn’t been resolved, and that new issues had emerged. At that moment, I couldn’t hold out anymore, and I broke down in tears. Choking up, I poured out my state in its entirety to Zhang Jing. To my surprise, she said, “I always thought you were doing quite well, but if you hadn’t spoken up today, I wouldn’t have known you had so many difficulties.” I felt so ashamed, because this was the facade I had created by disguising myself and deceiving others. Over the next few days, I often wondered, “Why is it that whenever I encounter difficulties, I’m unwilling to open up and fellowship with others? Why am I always so keen to conceal and disguise myself?”

Later, I read God’s words: “Regardless of the context, no matter what duty they do, an antichrist will try and give the impression that they aren’t weak, that they are always strong, full of faith, and never negative, so that people never see their real stature or real attitude toward God. In fact, in the depths of their heart, do they really believe there is nothing they cannot do? Do they genuinely believe that they are without weakness, negativity, or revelations of corruption? Absolutely not. They are good at putting on an act, adept at hiding things. They like showing people their strong and splendid side; they don’t want them to see the side of them that is weak and true. Their purpose is obvious: It is, quite simply, to maintain their vanity and pride, to protect the place they have in people’s hearts. They think that if they open up before others about their own negativity and weakness, if they reveal the side of them that is rebellious and corrupt, this will be grievous damage to their status and reputation—more trouble than it’s worth. So they would rather die than admit to having times when they are weak, rebellious, and negative. And if a day does come when everyone sees the side of them that is weak and rebellious, when they see that they are corrupt, and have not changed at all, they will still keep putting on an act. They think that if they admit to having a corrupt disposition, to being an ordinary person, someone who is insignificant, then they will lose their place in people’s hearts, will lose everyone’s worship and adoration, and thus will have utterly failed. And so, whatever happens, they will not open up to people; whatever happens, they will not give their power and status to anyone else; instead, they try as hard as they can to compete, and will never give up. … Any who think themselves flawless and holy are all imposters. Why do I say all of them are imposters? Tell Me, is there anyone flawless amid corrupt humanity? Is there anyone who is truly holy? (No.) Definitely not. How can man achieve flawlessness when they are so deeply corrupted by Satan and, besides, not innately possessed of the truth? Only God is holy; all corrupt humanity is defiled. If a person were to impersonate someone holy, saying they were flawless, what would that person be? They would be a devil, a Satan, an archangel—they would be a bona fide antichrist. Only an antichrist would claim to be a flawless and holy person” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Ten)). God’s words expose that to maintain their status and image in people’s hearts, antichrists often disguise themselves, covering up their deficiencies and shortcomings, and pretending to be people without corruption or flaws, capable of everything, making others look up to and worship them. I reflected on my own behavior. When I had some results in my duties, I felt that I was better than others, and to maintain my good image in people’s hearts and make them think I had good caliber, work capabilities, and look up to me, I didn’t seek help, and instead tried hard to conceal and cover things up whenever I encountered problems and difficulties in work and when it was clear that I lacked experience and couldn’t see through or solve things. When others actively offered to help me, I was afraid that my weaknesses and shortcomings would be exposed, so I’d choose to stay up late by myself rather than accept others’ help, even putting up a front of being willing to endure hardship without complaint to make people think I was loyal in my duties and able to endure hardships and pay a price. But in the end, I just ended up tormenting myself to the point of feeling repressed and pained, crying in secret and not daring to speak out, fearing that brothers and sisters would see my true stature and no longer look up to me. I was truly a hypocrite and a fake! Thinking back, the church had never required me to be able to see through everything or to solve every difficulty in my duties. I was just being a hypocrite, always pretending to be strong, puffing myself up to my own detriment and pretending to understand things when I didn’t. I was just putting myself in the hot seat, and as a result, I delayed church work and caused myself a lot of suffering. Because I always disguised myself as an active and positive person in front of others, some brothers and sisters were misled by my pretense and thought that I could endure hardship, had work capabilities, and highly regarded me. One sister told me, “It must be difficult, carrying such a heavy burden all by yourself. I want to learn from you!” The sister thought so highly of me only because I had always disguised myself and never exposed my weaknesses or difficulties. I had been too good at misleading and deceiving others, which was not only harmful to others, but to myself as well! I felt disgust for my actions and conduct from the bottom of my heart, and no longer wanted to disguise myself anymore or carry on down this wrong path, so I prayed to God in repentance and sought a path of practice.

I then read more of God’s words: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “And so, no matter what your state is, regardless of whether you are negative, or in difficulty, regardless of your own personal motivations or plans, no matter what you have come to know or realize through examination, you must learn to open up and fellowship, and as you fellowship, the Holy Spirit works. And how does the Holy Spirit work? He enlightens and illuminates you and allows you to see the severity of the problem, He makes you aware of the root and essence of the problem, then makes you understand the truth and His intentions, little by little, and lets you see the path of practice and enter the truth reality. When a person can fellowship openly, this means that they have an honest attitude toward the truth. Whether a person is honest is measured by their attitude toward the truth” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words pointed out a path of practice, which involved putting aside one’s pride, being an honest person, learning to actively open up about one’s difficulties and shortcomings, being able to show one’s true self to God and to others, not practicing deception or concealment, and being real and true. An honest person can open their heart to God, and they sincerely want to seek the truth to solve their problems and difficulties, making it easier for them to receive the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment and illumination, to understand the truth, and to enter into reality. Realizing this, I prayed to God in my heart, deciding that I had to practice according to God’s words in the future, let go of my pride, be open and lay myself bare, and be a simple and honest person.

Later, when I encountered problems again in my work that I couldn’t understand or solve, or when I had a certain state that I didn’t know how to resolve, I consciously prayed to God and opened up to seek help from my brothers and sisters. One time, a newcomer raised a question, and although I had some ideas, I wasn’t clear on the specifics of how I should fellowship the solution, so I thought about discussing it with Zhang Jing, but I then hesitated, thinking, “I’ve been watering newcomers for quite some time now. What will she think of me if I’m still coming to her with these kinds of questions? Forget it. I won’t ask her. I’ll just figure it out myself.” At this point, I realized I was tempted to disguise myself again. I thought about how I had disguised and concealed myself time and again in the past, which not only left me wallowing in repression and pain but also caused losses to the work, so I realized I couldn’t pretend anymore. I had to be open and communicate with others about things I didn’t understand or was unclear on. So I said a silent prayer to God in my heart, asking for God’s guidance to practice being an honest person according to His words. Then, I talked about my difficulties and the possible solutions with Zhang Jing, and she pointed out that the passage of God’s words I had quoted wasn’t suitable, and she also told me how to fellowship and resolve this kind of issue. Following Zhang Jing’s advice, I searched again for the relevant words of God. After I fellowshipped with the newcomer, his confusion was resolved, and I felt really at ease. I then realized that practicing God’s words brings a sense of ease and liberation.