By Hongcao, China

At the age of sixty, I accepted God’s work of the last days. Through attending gatherings and eating and drinking God’s words, I came to understand that humanity was created by God, that it is God who has guided, provided for, and nourished humanity to this day, and that in the last days, God has come again to save humanity from sin and lead people to a beautiful destination. I was filled with joy, and I felt that even in my old age, being able to come into God’s house and receive such a great salvation from Him was truly an immense blessing! So I was passionate in my pursuit, and before long, I was elected as a group leader and then a church leader. No matter how many obstacles and setbacks I faced, I never stopped doing my duties in these roles. I believed that by doing so, I would meet with God’s approval.

In 2022, I turned seventy-six. As I aged, my memory declined, and my reactions slowed. One day, I was riding an electric bike to do my duty. I was driving pretty quickly, and I intended to slow down, but because I got nervous and my brain didn’t react for a moment, I squeezed both brakes, and both I and the bike ended up flipping off a small bridge about three or four meters high. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured. It was clear to me in my heart that this was God’s protection. The next day, I set out for a host home I often went to for a gathering, but suddenly my mind became foggy, and I just couldn’t remember how to get there. As a result, I missed the gathering. The church leader, out of consideration for my age and safety, arranged for me to host the brothers and sisters for gatherings at my home and to water some of the newcomers nearby when I had time. When it was time for me to host gatherings for the newcomers, the leader arranged for a sister to give me a lift. I felt a bit disheartened, thinking, “When I was healthy before, I could go out and do my duty at a moment’s notice. Now, I even need someone to take me to attend gatherings. Have I not become a burden to the church? I’m now only doing this little bit of duty, and I wonder if God will remember it and if I can still be saved. As I grow older each year, my mind will become even more muddled. Will I still be able to do my duty? If I can’t do my duty, how will I be saved?” Especially when I went to gather with newcomers later on, and I saw just how young, quick to comprehend the truth, and fast in their reactions they were, while sometimes, after reading God’s words, I would suddenly get stuck when trying to fellowship, and I’d be unable to remember what I’d wanted to fellowship. I’d feel a chill in my heart as I thought, “I’ve really aged, and there are so many areas that I just can’t keep up in.” Not long after, the two newcomers I was watering were facing safety issues and couldn’t attend gatherings, and for some reasons, my home also couldn’t host the brothers and sisters for gatherings anymore. Seeing my duties gradually slipping away one by one, I felt truly disheartened, “Now I can’t do any duties at all. I’ve become so old and useless. I’ve got no hope for salvation anymore!” I became so negative that I felt completely drained. Soon after, I fell ill, and I was coughing persistently and having difficulty breathing. Although I saw a doctor and my condition improved somewhat, I thought about how I was getting older and older and about how my health was worsening, and I wondered how I could still do my duties. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became, feeling utterly paralyzed. After that, my prayers became irregular, and I no longer wanted to eat and drink God’s words. In my spare time, I even started watching TV dramas. It was only then that I realized that my state was wrong, and I quickly prayed to God, “God! Now that I’m old and in poor health, I feel like I can’t do any duties, and that I have no hope of salvation. I feel so negative that I’ve even lost the will to live. God! Please guide me out of this wrong state.”

One day, I read a passage of God’s words that was very relevant to my state. God says: “There are also elderly people among brothers and sisters, who are aged from 60 up to around 80 or 90 and who, because of their advanced age, also experience some difficulties. Despite their age, their thinking is not necessarily so correct or rational, and their ideas and views do not necessarily accord with the truth. These elderly people have problems just the same, and they’re always worrying, ‘My health isn’t so good anymore and I’m limited as to what duty I can perform. If I just perform this little duty, will God remember me? Sometimes I get sick, and I need someone to look after me. When there’s no one to look after me, I’m not able to perform my duty, so what can I do? I’m old and I don’t remember God’s words when I read them and it’s hard for me to understand the truth. When fellowshipping on the truth, I speak in a muddled and illogical way, and I haven’t any experiences worth sharing. I’m old and I don’t have enough energy, my eyesight isn’t very good and I’m not strong anymore. Everything is difficult for me. Not only can I not perform my duty, but I easily forget things and get things wrong. Sometimes I get confused and I cause problems for the church and for my brothers and sisters. I want to attain salvation and pursue the truth but it’s very hard. What can I do?’ When they think of these things, they begin to fret, thinking, ‘How come I only started believing in God at this age? How come I’m not like those who are in their 20s and 30s, or even those in their 40s and 50s? How come I only came across God’s work now when I’m so old? It’s not that my fate is bad; at least now I’ve encountered God’s work. My fate is good, and God has been kind to me! There’s just one thing that I’m not happy about, and that is that I’m too old. My memory isn’t very good, and my health isn’t that great, but I have a strong heart. It’s just that my body doesn’t obey me, and I get sleepy after listening for a while at gatherings. Sometimes I close my eyes to pray and fall asleep, and my mind wanders when I read God’s words. After reading for a bit, I get sleepy and doze off, and the words don’t sink in. What can I do? With such practical difficulties, am I still able to pursue and understand the truth? If not, and if I’m not able to practice in line with the truth principles, then won’t all my faith be in vain? Won’t I fail to attain salvation? What can I do? I’m so worried! At this age, nothing is important anymore. Now that I believe in God, I have no more worries or anything to feel anxious about, and my children are grown and they don’t need me to look after or raise them anymore, my greatest wish in life is to pursue the truth, perform the duty of a created being, and ultimately attain salvation in the years I have left. However, looking now at my actual situation, dim-sighted from age and confused in mind, in poor health, not able to perform my duty well, and sometimes creating problems when I try to do as much as I can do, it seems as though attaining salvation isn’t going to be easy for me.’ They think these things over and over and grow anxious, and then think, ‘It seems as though good things only ever happen to young people and not to old people. It looks as though no matter how good things are, I won’t be able to enjoy them anymore.’ The more they think about these things, the more they fret and the more anxious they get. They not only worry about themselves, but they also feel hurt. If they cry, they feel it’s not really worth crying over, and if they don’t cry, that pain, that hurt, is always with them. So, what should they do? In particular, there are some elderly people who want to spend all their time expending themselves for God and performing their duty, but they’re physically unwell. Some have high blood pressure, some have high blood sugar, some have gastrointestinal problems, and their physical strength cannot keep up with the demands of their duty, and so they fret. They see young people able to eat and drink, to run and jump, and they feel envious. The more they see young people do such things, the more distressed they feel, thinking, ‘I want to do my duty well and pursue and understand the truth, and I want to practice the truth, too, so why is it so hard? I’m so old and useless! Does God not want old people? Are old people really useless? Can we not attain salvation?’ They’re sad and unable to feel happy no matter how they think about it. They don’t want to miss such a wonderful time and such a great opportunity, yet they’re unable to expend themselves and perform their duty with all their heart and soul like young people do. These elderly people fall into deep distress, anxiety, and worry because of their age. Every time they encounter some difficulty, setback, hardship, or obstacle, they blame their age, and even hate themselves and have no liking for themselves. But in any case, it is to no avail, there is no solution, and they have no way forward” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God understands us so well. My state and condition were just as God exposed: I worried that as I aged, and as my health and memory kept declining, I wouldn’t be able to do my duties and therefore wouldn’t be saved, and even if I did do my duties as best as I could, I was afraid that God wouldn’t remember because I did too little, so I fell into a state of distress. The leader, in consideration of my age and safety, arranged for me to do the duty of hosting brothers and sisters for gatherings at home, while also watering a few newcomers. I felt a bit disheartened, and I worried that God wouldn’t approve of these limited duties I was doing. I saw that I wasn’t as responsive as young people, and I worried that as I aged, I’d just keep falling behind in every way, and that the duties I could do would keep diminishing. Later on in particular, as I lost my duties one by one and fell ill, I felt even more disheartened and upset, believing that without doing my duties, my hope for salvation was even more remote. So I fell into a state of anxiety and distress, lost my motivation to pray and read God’s words, and spent my time watching TV dramas instead. Was I not just living in a state of despondency and opposing God? I quickly came before God and prayed, “God, I want to come out of this state of despondency. Please enlighten and guide me.”

Later, I read a passage of God’s words and gained some understanding of the impurities in my faith. Almighty God says: “People believe in God in order to be blessed, to be rewarded, to be crowned. Doesn’t this exist in everyone’s heart? It is a fact that it does. Although people don’t often talk about it, and even cover up their motive and desire to obtain blessings, this desire and motive deep in people’s hearts has always been unshakable. No matter how much spiritual theory people understand, what experiential knowledge they have, what duty they can perform, how much suffering they endure, or how much of a price they pay, they never let go of the motivation for blessings hidden deep in their hearts, and always silently toil in its service. Isn’t this the thing buried deepest inside people’s hearts? Without this motivation to receive blessings, how would you feel? With what attitude would you perform your duty and follow God? What would become of people if this motivation to receive blessings that is hidden in their hearts was gotten rid of? It is possible that many people would become negative, while some would become demotivated in their duties. They would lose interest in their belief in God, as if their soul had vanished. They would appear as if their heart had been snatched away. This is why I say the motivation for blessings is something hidden deep in people’s hearts” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). God made it absolutely clear in His exposure the intentions and impurities people have in their faith. People expend themselves, toil, suffer, and pay a price for God in the hopes of receiving blessings. If they don’t see God’s blessings or promises, they flatten like popped balloons, losing the motivation to even do their duties. This was the exact kind of state I was in. Looking back to when I first accepted God’s work, I saw that doing duties in one’s faith could lead to salvation and survival, so I was passionate in my pursuit, and come wind or rain, or regardless of the dangers of persecution by the CCP, I didn’t retreat or delay in my duties. I believed that so long as I did my best, God would remember it and I would gain His approval. As I grew older, my memory and physical strength declined, and the duties I could do became fewer and fewer. Even when the few remaining duties that I had been able to do of watering newcomers and hosting brothers and sisters for gatherings became impossible for me to cooperate on, I began to believe that I’d be unable to be saved or enter the kingdom, and I started to give up on myself. I realized that my formerly intense motivation in my duties had been driven by a hidden desire for blessings, and when I couldn’t obtain blessings, I became unwilling to pray or read God’s words. By doing my duties in this way, how did I have any sincerity toward God? I was merely seeking benefits from God, and trying to trade my performance of my duties for future blessings. Was I not just trying to bargain with God? By doing this, I was trying to deceive God. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that I lacked conscience and reason, and that I was truly indebted to God! In fact, looking back, I saw that I’d enjoyed so much watering and provision from God’s words over these years of believing in Him, and that I’d received much of His grace. When my spouse passed away and I was heartbroken and struggling to get through the whole ordeal, it was God’s words that opened my heart and allowed me to face this correctly. Also, when I fell from such a high bridge while riding my electric bike, both I and the bike were unharmed. This was all God’s protection. Throughout this journey of mine, God had graced me countless times, but when I thought that blessings were out of reach, I found myself filled with misunderstandings and complaints, and distancing myself from God. How could I have been so lacking in humanity? When the church reassigned me, it was because it was unsafe for me to go out to do my duties considering my age, and this would delay the church’s work. This reassignment was beneficial both for me and the church’s work, and I should have accepted it from God. If it hadn’t been for this reassignment of my duties, I wouldn’t have become aware of the despicable intentions hidden behind my years of faith in God. I thought of Paul in the Age of Grace. He traveled across much of Europe to preach the gospel, paying a great price and enduring much suffering, yet his intention was to seek a crown and blessings from God, rather than fulfilling his duty as a created being, and in the end, he was punished by God. I’d also been doing my duty to gain blessings, and if I didn’t seek to change my disposition, I would ultimately be punished by God just like Paul. I didn’t want to carry on down Paul’s path of failure. I had to repent and confess to God, and in the time I had left, I would pursue the truth and no longer seek blessings.

During my devotional, I read these words of God: “God’s wish is for every person to be made perfect, to be ultimately gained by Him, to be completely cleansed by Him, and to become people He loves. No matter whether I say you are backward or of poor caliber, this is all fact. My saying this does not prove that I intend to forsake you, that I have lost hope in you, much less that I am unwilling to save you. Today I have come to do the work of your salvation, which is to say that the work I do is a continuation of the work of salvation. Every person has the chance to be made perfect: Provided that you are willing, provided that you pursue, in the end you will be able to achieve this result, and not one of you will be forsaken. If you are of poor caliber, My requirements of you will be in accordance with your poor caliber; if you are of high caliber, My requirements of you will be in accordance with your high caliber; if you are ignorant and illiterate, My requirements of you will be in accordance with your illiteracy; if you are literate, My requirements of you will be in accordance with the fact that you are literate; if you are elderly, My requirements of you will be in accordance with your age; if you are capable of providing hospitality, My requirements of you will be in accordance with this capability; if you say you cannot offer hospitality, and can only perform a certain function, whether it be spreading the gospel, or taking care of the church, or attending to other general affairs, My perfection of you will be in accordance with the function that you perform. Being loyal, submitting to the very end, and seeking to have supreme love for God—this is what you must accomplish, and there are no better practices than these three things” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Restoring the Normal Life of Man and Taking Him to a Wonderful Destination). “I decide the destination of each person not on the basis of age, seniority, amount of suffering, and least of all, the degree to which they invite pity, but according to whether they possess the truth. There is no other choice but this. You must realize that all those who do not follow the will of God shall also be punished. This is something that no person can change” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Prepare Sufficient Good Deeds for Your Destination). From God’s words, I understood that God hopes that all those who follow Him can be perfected and gained by Him. God does not look at a person’s caliber, age, or the type or number of duties they can do to determine if they can be saved. So long as a person pursues sincerely, can submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and does their duties loyally, then such a person will be saved by God. I was living in my own notions, thinking that since I was getting older, had health issues, and couldn’t do many duties, God wouldn’t approve of me, and that I wouldn’t have any hope for salvation. I became so negative that I lost all my motivation. I didn’t seek the truth and viewed God like a boss out in the secular world, who kept employees when they contributed, but sacked the elderly when they were no longer useful. I used Satan’s perspective to measure God, and in this, I was misunderstanding and blaspheming against Him! Now I understood that God wants those who pursue the truth, seek transformation in their disposition, and who are gained by Him. I saw that so long as I pursued the truth, listened to God’s words, and did my duty diligently, God wouldn’t abandon me. Just like now, even though I couldn’t be a group leader or church leader and do my duties in other regions, I could still do my best to preach the gospel and support brothers and sisters who were feeling negative and weak. No matter what duty I did, so long as I put my heart into cooperating, focused on seeking the truth and acting according to principles in my duties, and submitted to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, then this would align with God’s intention.

Later, I read another passage of God’s words, and my heart became even brighter. Almighty God says: “It is not that elderly people have nothing to do, nor are they unable to perform their duties, much less are they unable to pursue the truth—there are many things for them to do. The various heresies and fallacies that you have accumulated during your lifetime, as well as the various traditional ideas and notions, ignorant and stubborn things, conservative things, irrational things, and distorted things that you have accumulated have all piled up in your heart, and you should spend even more time than young people to dig out, dissect, and recognize these things. It’s not the case that you have nothing to do, or that you should feel distressed, anxious, and worried when you are at a loose end—this is neither your task nor your responsibility. First of all, elderly people should have the correct mindset. Although you may be getting on in years and you are relatively aged physically, still you should have a young mindset. Although you’re getting old, your thinking is slowed and your memory is poor, if you can still know yourself, still understand the words I say, and still understand the truth, then that proves you are not old and that your caliber is not lacking. If someone is in their 70s but is not able to understand the truth, then this shows that their stature is too small and not up to the task. Therefore, age is irrelevant when it comes to the truth and, moreover, age is irrelevant when it comes to corrupt dispositions” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God’s words made me understand that even though as people age, their physical functions decline and they can do fewer duties, it doesn’t mean they cannot pursue the truth anymore. Elderly people, like young people, also have many corrupt dispositions and have accumulated various satanic poisons. They need to spend more time deeply examining and dissecting these issues. I have lived for decades, being both arrogant and deceitful. Inside me, I have accumulated various traditional notions and satanic philosophies for worldly dealings. All of these need to be resolved by seeking the truth. Just like in the church, there was a sister who often chatted and went off-topic during gatherings, disturbing the church life. I wanted to point this out to her but was afraid of offending her. I lived according to the satanic philosophy of “Keeping silent on the faults of good friends makes for a long and good friendship,” and thus never pointed it out to her. During gatherings, when I saw some brothers and sisters not knowing how to fellowship by relating to their states, I felt that I was better at fellowship than they were, and revealed an arrogant disposition, disdaining them. Also, this time, seeing that I was getting older, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to do my duties and be saved, and I became so negative that I couldn’t even get back on my feet. I realized that my desire for blessings was too strong. These issues all needed to be resolved by seeking the truth. Realizing this, I found a path for practice. Although I am getting older, it doesn’t mean I have no duties or things to do. I need to focus on knowing and addressing my corrupt disposition in the daily matters I encounter. All this is a duty I should do. I can also write articles, learn hymns, learn dancing, and preach the gospel. There are many duties I can do! Afterward, I focused on knowing my corruption in the daily matters I encountered. In the evening, I would write it down and find God’s words to resolve it, and then write out my experiential understanding. Not long after, when my health improved, I resumed my hosting duty. I thought about how to protect this hosting home well so that the brothers and sisters could gather without worries. As long as I live, I will keep to my duty. Even if I can no longer do my duties in the future, I will continue to eat and drink God’s words to resolve my corruption and submit to God’s orchestration and arrangements.