By Han Song, China

In November 2015, the leader assigned me to be responsible for general affairs work in the church. I actively helped resolve any issues the general affairs personnel had, and everyone approved of me, making me feel like an indispensable member of the church. In October 2017, it was arranged for Sister Tian Yu and me to collaborate on overseeing the general affairs work. At first, we collaborated quite well. She helped me in my life entry, and I was quite happy to collaborate with her. But after a while, I found that Tian Yu was of good caliber, quick-witted, and that she was better than me at fellowshipping the truth and solving problems. Once during a gathering, a sister mentioned some difficulties in her work. I hadn’t figured out the problem yet, but Tian Yu drew on her own experiences to fellowship with the sister, and also read some relevant passages of God’s words. After she fellowshipped, the sister nodded repeatedly to show her agreement. Rationally speaking, it was a good thing that the sister’s problem was resolved, but I couldn’t feel happy about it. I thought to myself, “Tian Yu has good caliber and can always provide fellowship to solve problems, so how will the brothers and sisters view me in comparison? Will they think my caliber isn’t as good as Tian Yu’s? How will I continue to attend gatherings with the brothers and sisters in the future?” Later, I also saw that Tian Yu had a grasp of some computer skills, and when the brothers and sisters had problems with their computers or video players, they always went to Tian Yu. I saw that Tian Yu was better than me in every way, and I was filled with jealousy and envy. I even felt repressed. I complained inside, “We’re both supervisors, but why is the gap between us so big? How will the leader and the brothers and sisters view me in the future?” I thought back to when I was the only one in charge, how my duty had had some results, and how the brothers and sisters all had looked up to me as well. But when Tian Yu came, she was better than me in every way, and I had no way to showcase myself, so I felt Tian Yu had stolen my limelight. I began to resent Tian Yu, and I thought to myself, “You seem to be good at everything, but let’s see if there’s something you can’t do.”

Not long after, the leader arranged for me and Tian Yu to pick up some brothers and sisters. I wasn’t there, so Tian Yu arranged for someone else to go. But she didn’t arrange things well and the brothers and sisters didn’t get picked up, and they were left waiting anxiously. I took this opportunity to belittle Tian Yu in front of a sister because I wanted her to see that Tian Yu couldn’t even handle such a small thing. Because of what I spread, the sister developed some negative opinions about Tian Yu, and complained that Tian Yu couldn’t arrange things well. Another time, I learned that a sister, Xin Ru, who Tian Yu was responsible for, was only outwardly enthusiastic but consistently did not pursue the truth or eat and drink God’s words much. She only pursued worldly trends, eating, drinking, and having fun. After fellowship, there was no change, and she should have been dismissed. I thought, “Tian Yu is responsible for Xin Ru’s work, and she doesn’t have much discernment of her; it seems Tian Yu isn’t as good as me in discernment.” I felt a sense of superiority, feeling that there was finally something I was better at than Tian Yu. I thought, “You have shortcomings and deficiencies too. Since the leader is here, I’ll bring up Xin Ru’s behavior and let the leader see you’re not as good as me in discernment. That’ll knock you down a peg or two.” But Tian Yu didn’t mention her lack of discernment, and seeing that it was getting dark and that the leader was leaving, I started feeling impatient and angry, so I said to Tian Yu in a lecturing tone, “You only talk about your strengths and not your shortcomings; I see that you don’t recognize yourself either!” After I said this, the mood in the room immediately became icy, and no one said anything. The leader noticed something was wrong with my state and asked what was going on, so I revealed my true state that I had wanted to embarrass Tian Yu and have her see she had areas where she wasn’t as good as me. Tian Yu broke down in tears, and I felt really uneasy and guilty, so I apologized to her. At that time, I only had a simple understanding that I valued my face and had a strong desire for status, but my corrupt disposition had still not been resolved.

Later, because my work results weren’t as good as Tian Yu’s, I felt that I couldn’t stand out or show my face, so I became even more despondent, and when it was time for a gathering, I didn’t want to attend. I disregarded the difficulties the brothers and sisters faced in their life entry and duties, and most of the work was done by Tian Yu alone. A while later, I felt a tightness in my chest, shortness of breath, and had a cough, and upon examination, I was diagnosed with interstitial pneumonia. The doctor said that this illness progressed quickly and needed immediate treatment. After getting sick, I still didn’t do much self-reflection, and I kept making mistakes in my duty, so the leader dismissed me. At that time, I found myself mired in pain, and I believed that I had been revealed and eliminated by God, which made me even more despondent. One time, I heard a reading of God’s words: “People who do not practice the truth are unworthy of hearing the way of the truth and unworthy of bearing witness to the truth. The truth is simply not for their ears; rather, it is directed at those who practice it” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Warning to Those Who Do Not Practice the Truth). This passage of God’s words pierced my heart. I recalled that when I was dismissed, the leader had exposed how I had always pursued fame, gain, and status, that I had failed to change despite multiple rounds of fellowship, and that I didn’t accept the truth at all. I also thought about how I had been collaborating with Tian Yu for nearly three years, and even though I knew being jealous of Tian Yu and competing with her was wrong, I didn’t seek the truth to resolve my issues. Wasn’t I exactly the kind of person God described who doesn’t practice the truth? At that time, I didn’t understand God’s intentions and I was negative and passed verdict on myself. During that period, I had no appetite, gained no enlightenment from eating and drinking God’s words, and I couldn’t muster the energy to do anything. Later, I realized my state wasn’t right, so I prayed and sought God. After that, I read “The Principles of Handling One’s Failures and Falls.” God says: “If you believe in God’s sovereignty, then you have to believe that everyday occurrences, be they good or bad, do not happen at random. It is not that someone is deliberately being hard on you or targeting you; this was all arranged and orchestrated by God. Why does God orchestrate all these things? It is not to expose you for who you are or to reveal and eliminate you; revealing you is not the end goal. The goal is to perfect you and save you. How does God perfect you? And how does He save you? He starts by making you aware of your own corrupt disposition, and by making you know your nature essence, your shortcomings, and what you lack. Only by knowing these things and having a clear understanding of them can you pursue the truth and gradually cast off your corrupt disposition. This is God providing you with an opportunity. This is God’s mercy” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Gain the Truth, One Must Learn From the People, Events, and Things Nearby). After reading God’s words, I realized that my being dismissed wasn’t God eliminating me, but rather His discipline and chastening upon me. It was because I had vied for fame and gain with the sister, delaying the church’s work, and instead of reflecting on myself, I even attacked and excluded the sister, offending God’s disposition. In such circumstances, God’s intention was for me to seek the truth, reflect on, and know myself. Understanding God’s intention, my state improved somewhat, and I was willing to rely on God to thoroughly reflect on myself and repent to Him.

Later, I thought of a passage of God’s words that the leader showed me: “Antichrists pursue reputation and status, so they certainly also speak and work in order to uphold their reputation and status. They value their reputation and status above everything else. If someone around them has good caliber and pursues the truth, and this person gains some prestige among the brothers and sisters and is chosen as a team leader, and the brothers and sisters really admire and approve of this person, how will antichrists react? Certainly, they won’t be happy about it, and jealousy will arise in them. If antichrists harbor jealousy, tell Me, can they behave themselves? Won’t they have to do something about it? (Yes.) What will they do if they truly envy this person? In their minds, they’ll surely make this kind of calculation: ‘This person has quite good caliber, they possess some understanding of this profession, and they are stronger than me. This is beneficial for the work of god’s house, but not for me! Will they take my position? If they truly replace me one day, won’t that be troublesome? I should act preemptively. If they’re able to stand on their own two feet one day, it won’t be so easy for me to sort them out. It’s better for me to strike first. If I delay and allow them to expose me, who knows what the consequences will be. So, how can I strike? I need to find an excuse, find an opportunity.’ Tell Me, if people want to punish someone, isn’t it easy for them to find an excuse and an opportunity to do so? What’s one of the devil’s tactics? (‘He who has a mind to beat his dog will easily find his stick.’) Exactly, ‘He who has a mind to beat his dog will easily find his stick.’ In Satan’s world, this kind of logic exists, and this kind of thing happens. This doesn’t exist at all to God. Antichrists are of Satan and they are most skilled at doing these things. They will ponder on this: ‘He who has a mind to beat his dog will easily find his stick. I’ll pin a charge on you, find an opportunity to punish you, suppress your arrogance and hubris, and stop the brothers and sisters from esteeming you and choosing you as team leader next time. Then, you won’t be a threat to me anymore, will you? If I eliminate this potential problem and remove this competitor, won’t I feel at ease?’ If their minds are doing somersaults like this, can they outwardly restrain themselves from acting? Given the nature of antichrists, can they keep this idea buried inside of them and do nothing? Absolutely not. They’ll definitely find a way to act. This is the viciousness of antichrists. Not only do they think like that, they want to achieve this goal too. So, they’ll ponder on this matter desperately, racking their brains. They don’t consider the interests of God’s house, nor do they consider the work of the church. They care even less about whether their actions are in accordance with God’s intention. All they think about is how to maintain their reputation and status, how to safeguard their power. They think that their rival has already posed a threat to their status, so they try to find an opportunity to bring them down. When they learn that, without consulting them, their rival replaced someone who was doing their duty in a consistently perfunctory manner, they’ll see this as the perfect chance to pin something on their rival. In front of the brothers and sisters, they say, ‘Since everyone is here today, let’s bring this matter forward for dissection. Is it not an act of dictatorship to replace someone without authorization, without discussing it with your co-workers or partners? Why would someone make such a mistake? Isn’t there a problem with their disposition? Shouldn’t they be pruned? Shouldn’t the brothers and sisters abandon them?’ They seize upon this issue and blow it out of proportion to denigrate their rival and elevate themselves. In reality, the situation isn’t that severe. It’s perfectly acceptable to make a report after a team member’s duty is adjusted or replaced, so long as that adjustment or replacement adheres to the principles. However, antichrists blow this issue out of proportion. They purposefully attack their rival and exalt themselves. Isn’t this a manifestation of punishing others? They viciously prune their rival, and make exaggerated allegations about them. … These antichrists are making a big deal out of nothing: It’s just plain retaliation and personal vengeance” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Two)). Confronted with the exposure of God’s words, my heart trembled in fear. Reflecting on my time collaborating with Tian Yu, I saw that she surpassed me in every way, so I was trapped in a corrupt disposition of seeking fame and gain, feeling jealous and hateful toward Tian Yu. I felt that Tian Yu had stolen my limelight, so I looked for opportunities to expose her shortcomings to diminish others’ high regard for her. To achieve this, I waited for the right moment like a hunter waiting for its prey. When Tian Yu’s arrangement for someone to pick up the brothers and sisters failed, I deliberately belittled her in front of a sister, saying she couldn’t arrange things properly. When I saw that Xin Ru, a group member under Tian Yu’s supervision, wasn’t performing well, I was pleased, as if I had found an opportunity to make Tian Yu admit her shortcomings. So when the leader held a gathering with us and I saw that Tian Yu didn’t mention her lack of discernment, I openly criticized her for not knowing herself, hoping to dampen her spirits and show the leader that I was better at discerning people than she was. I was living in a corrupt disposition of seeking fame and gain, and when I saw I couldn’t surpass Tian Yu no matter what, I became negative and slacked off, and I disregarded the difficulties brothers and sisters were facing in their duties and life entry, leading to delays in the work. I thought about how Tian Yu had a sense of burden in her duties, was responsible, and could solve the real problems of the brothers and sisters, which was beneficial to the church’s work, but I spent all my days competing and vying with her, and when I couldn’t outdo her, I attacked and excluded her. What I was doing wasn’t simply trying to make things difficult for someone; I was undermining and disrupting the work of the church. What kind of person would do this? Realizing this, I felt very distressed, and I couldn’t help but break down in tears. In the past, I had thought I was someone who sincerely believed in God and who could uphold the church’s work, but through the revelation of facts, I saw just how despicable and lacking in humanity I was. The more I thought about it, the more I realized this wasn’t just a minor revelation of corruption, but that I was already on the path of an antichrist. Fear gripped my heart, and I realized how dangerous my situation was, and that if I didn’t repent, I would be eliminated and punished.

Later, I read another passage of God’s words: “If you keep saying that you follow God, pursue salvation, accept God’s scrutiny and guidance, and accept and submit to God’s judgment and chastisement, but all the while you are saying these words, you are nevertheless disrupting, disturbing, and destroying the church’s various work, and because of your disturbance, disruption, and destruction, because of your negligence or dereliction of duty, or because of your selfish desires and for the sake of pursuing your own interests, the interests of God’s house, the church’s interests, and a multitude of other aspects have been harmed, even to the point that the work of God’s house has been seriously disturbed and destroyed, how, then, should God weigh up your outcome in your book of life? How should you be labeled? In all fairness, you should be punished. This is called getting your just deserts” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part One)). After reading God’s words, I realized that God’s disposition does not tolerate offense. I didn’t play a positive role in my duty, I attacked and excluded the sister I was collaborating with and disrupted the church’s work. This is condemned by God. Since taking up my duty, I had always proclaimed that I wanted to pursue the truth and satisfy God, but when faced with facts, I saw that my intentions weren’t to fulfill my duty or satisfy God, but to manage my own status. I always sought to be highly regarded by others and as soon as someone threatened my status, I would look for chances to pick on their flaws and seize on their shortcomings, and then make a big deal out of it, using these things to attack and exclude them. The church’s work requires more people with good caliber who can do real work to cooperate, but I attacked and excluded others, and disrupted and wrecked the church’s work. This is what devils do! When I realized the nature of my actions, I knelt down and prayed to God, “Oh God! I have enjoyed the provision of so many of Your words yet I have not practiced according to Your words. Instead, I have opposed You by relying on my satanic disposition. I have done so much evil in pursuit of fame, gain, and status, but I am willing to repent and start anew.”

Then I reflected further, asking myself, “Why do I always pursue fame, gain, and status, even when I don’t want to?” Later, I read a passage of God’s words, and my heart was brightened. Almighty God says: “What does Satan use to keep man firmly within its control? (Fame and gain.) So, Satan uses fame and gain to control man’s thoughts, until all people can think of is fame and gain. They struggle for fame and gain, suffer hardships for fame and gain, endure humiliation for fame and gain, sacrifice everything they have for fame and gain, and they will make any judgment or decision for the sake of fame and gain. In this way, Satan binds people with invisible shackles, and they have neither the strength nor the courage to throw them off. They unknowingly bear these shackles and trudge ever onward with great difficulty. For the sake of this fame and gain, mankind shuns God and betrays Him and becomes increasingly wicked. In this way, therefore, one generation after another is destroyed in the midst of Satan’s fame and gain” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). Through God’s words, I understood that my competing with Tian Yu for fame and gain and acts of evil in opposition to God were all products of Satan’s misleading and corruption. Satan indoctrinates people with ideas like “In all the universe, only I reign supreme,” “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” and “There can only be one alpha male.” These and other such ideas had become deeply rooted in my heart and had been binding and controlling me. Since childhood, no matter where I went, I had always liked being admired and praised, and it was no different with my duties in the church. No matter what duty I was doing, I always wanted to stand out and be noticed, and so long as I was able to gain people’s admiration and support, I was willing to endure any hardship. Seeing that Tian Yu was superior to me in work capability, caliber, and other aspects, I felt as if I were standing in the shadow of a great tree, preventing me from standing out or being noticed. I felt really repressed and stifled, and in my heart, I became jealous and resentful of Tian Yu, wishing she would slip up, embarrass herself, or even be dismissed from her duties. I was well aware that the workload was too much for me to handle alone, that Tian Yu was a capable worker, and that our collaboration was beneficial to the church’s work, but for the sake of my own interests, not only did I not support her work, but I also attacked and excluded her. This not only hurt Tian Yu but also delayed the church’s work. I was truly lacking in humanity! I realized that conducting myself based on ideas like “In all the universe, only I reign supreme” and “There can only be one alpha male,” which Satan uses to indoctrinate people, had made me arrogant and unreasonable, and my disposition was becoming more and more malicious. It also made me become more narrow-minded, and lose my humanity. Actually, when I saw that I had hurt Tian Yu I felt accused, but whenever I saw Tian Yu standing out and getting noticed, I couldn’t help but feel jealous of her. I wanted to get rid of this state, but I just couldn’t. Just as God said: “Satan binds people with invisible shackles, and they have neither the strength nor the courage to throw them off.” When I read these words of God, I just couldn’t hold back the tears. It felt like God’s words were speaking directly to my heart and I related to them profoundly. I had been collaborating with Tian Yu for nearly three years by this point and the leader had fellowshipped with me multiple times about my issue of vying for fame and gain, even exposing and pruning me, and at the time, I could recognize this and hated myself, but when faced with the same kind of situation again, I just fell back into the same bad habits. Because I kept pursuing fame, gain, and status, even undermining and disrupting the church’s work behind the scenes, I offended God’s disposition and God’s chastening and discipline came upon me. I fell ill but still didn’t reflect on myself, and it wasn’t until I was finally dismissed that I became afraid. I saw that my pursuit of fame, gain, and status had truly gotten out of control. I finally understood why God doesn’t want people to pursue fame, gain, and status. Without God’s salvation, I would have only sunk deeper and deeper!

I prayed to God, wanting to seek the truth and cast off the bonds of this satanic disposition. Later, I read a passage of God’s words and gained some paths of practice. Almighty God says: “Letting go of reputation and status isn’t easy—it depends on people pursuing the truth. Only by understanding the truth can one come to know oneself, see clearly the emptiness of seeking fame, gain and status, and see clearly the truth of mankind’s corruption. Only when a person truly comes to know themselves can they abandon status and reputation. It’s not easy to cast off one’s corrupt disposition. If you have recognized that you lack the truth, are beset with deficiencies, and reveal too much corruption, yet you put no effort into pursuing the truth, and you disguise yourself and engage in hypocrisy, leading people to believe that you can do anything, then this will put you in danger—and sooner or later, there will come a time when you will hit a roadblock and fall. You must admit that you don’t have the truth, and be brave enough to face reality. You have weaknesses, reveal corruption, and are beset with all manner of inadequacies. This is normal, because you’re a regular person, you’re not superhuman or omnipotent, and you must recognize that. When other people scorn or satirize you, don’t immediately react with antipathy because what they say is unpleasant, or resist it because you believe yourself to be capable and perfect—this shouldn’t be your attitude toward such words. What should your attitude be? You should say to yourself, ‘I have my faults, everything about me is corrupt and flawed, and I’m simply an ordinary person. Their scorn and satirizing of me notwithstanding, is there any truth to it? If part of what they say is true, then I must accept it from God.’ If you have this attitude, it is proof that you are capable of handling status, reputation, and what other people say about you correctly. … When you have the constant thought and desire to compete for status, then you must realize what adverse consequences this kind of state will lead to if left unsolved. So waste no time in searching for the truth, overcome your desire to compete for status while it is in the nascent stage, and replace it with practicing the truth. When you practice the truth, your desire and ambition to compete for status will be diminished, and you will not disturb the work of the church. In this way, your actions will be remembered and approved of by God. So what am I trying to emphasize? It is this: You must rid yourself of your desires and ambitions before they flower, come to fruition, and lead to great calamity. If you don’t address them while they are still in their infancy, you will miss a great opportunity; and once they have led to great calamity, it will be too late to solve them. If you lack even the will to rebel against the flesh, it will be very difficult for you to set foot upon the path of pursuing the truth; if you encounter setbacks and failure in your pursuit of fame, gain, and status, and you do not come to your senses, then this is dangerous: There is a possibility that you will be eliminated. When those who love the truth encounter one or two failures and setbacks in terms of their reputation and status, they can see clearly that reputation and status have no value at all. They are able to utterly forsake status and reputation, and resolve that, even if they never possess status, they will still continue to pursue the truth and perform their duty properly, and share their experiential testimony, and thereby achieve the result of bearing testimony to God. Even when they are ordinary followers, they are still capable of following to the very end, and all they want is to receive God’s approval. Only these are people who genuinely love the truth and have resolve” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). From God’s words, I saw that to avoid pursuing fame, gain, and status, one must first admit their own shortcomings and insufficiencies, and also actively lay oneself bare before brothers and sisters, owning up to one’s own corruption and deficiencies. Additionally, when one’s corrupt disposition of vying for fame and gain resurfaces, they should pray to God to rebel against themselves, and replace it with the practice of the truth so as to keep oneself from committing evil deeds that disrupt and disturb the church’s work. I thought about Tian Yu’s good caliber, work capability, and her capacity to fellowship the truth to resolve brothers’ and sisters’ issues, and about how the church arranged for Tian Yu to collaborate with me to make up for my shortcomings, and how these things were beneficial to both the work and my own life entry. Moving forward, when encountering brothers and sisters with better caliber than me and who were superior to me, I had to treat them correctly, and take in their strengths to make up for my own deficiencies. Later, the leader saw that I had learned some lessons and assigned me a duty. While doing my duty, I encountered Tian Yu again. I felt quite indebted to her, so I took the initiative to expose my own corrupt disposition to her, and she also opened up about the corruption she had revealed during our collaboration. The more I fellowshipped with her, the more relieved and liberated I felt.

In April 2024, I was assigned to do the cleansing work of the church and collaborate with Sister Liu Xin. Liu Xin had good caliber and work capability. Once, we went to meet with two sisters, and found that their attitude toward the cleansing work was somewhat slack. Liu Xin then used relevant words of God to fellowship with them. After her fellowship, both sisters really approved of what Liu Xin had said, and for a moment, it felt as if I were barely there, and I thought, “Liu Xin is the only one who has been fellowshipping with them this morning. What are they going to think of me?” I felt somewhat upset, and that with Liu Xin there, I couldn’t be in the limelight. At that moment, I realized that I was living in a state of vying for fame and gain again, and so I prayed to God in my heart, “God, please help me conduct myself and do my duty based on Your words, and not live by relying on a satanic disposition.” Reflecting on the evil I had done in the pursuit of fame and gain and the suffering it had brought me, I thought, “I can’t continue down the path of failure. I need to focus on my duty and consider the church’s interests. I came here today to implement cleansing work, not to compete or compare myself with my sister. I need to learn to collaborate harmoniously with my sister.” With this in mind, my heart became calm. I made up for any areas where Liu Xin was lacking in fellowship, and I collaborated with her and fellowshipped to solve the issues. In the end, both sisters gained some understanding of their issues and were willing to change. I also tasted the sweetness of putting my heart into my duty.

It was through the judgment, exposure, chastening, and discipline of God’s words that I clearly saw the suffering brought upon me by the pursuit of fame, gain, and status, and gained some discernment of how Satan uses fame and gain to bind people. I’m now much more indifferent toward fame, gain, and status, and I feel that fulfilling my duty is most important. I thank God from the bottom of my heart!