By Liu Lu, China

In June 2023, I was chosen as a church leader. At the time, I felt a bit surprised and also a little worried, thinking, “My understanding of the truth is still pretty superficial and I am lacking in so many areas. What if I can’t resolve the brothers’ and sisters’ issues, fail in my duty, and end up being dismissed? What would they think of me then? How would I ever show my face again?” Thinking this, I wanted to refuse the position. But then I realized that this duty was God’s exaltation and a chance for me to practice, so I accepted it.

At that time, I was cooperating with Sister Lin Hui. Lin Hui assigned me to supervise the church’s cleansing and watering work, and I thought to myself, “The sisters working on organizing materials for cleansing people have cooperated with me before. They used to oversee and guide my work. They know me well, and they know my true stature. Now I’m supposed to supervise and follow up on their work. What if I can’t resolve their states or address problems in their work? What will they think of me? Will they think I can’t do actual work? Where am I supposed to put my face then?” These thoughts made me very nervous, and I didn’t have the courage to look into their states or ask about how their work was going, so I just asked briefly about their work progress without asking for other details. About twenty days passed, and I learned that Li Xiang, who was organizing materials for cleansing people, was living in a state of illness, doing duties without a sense of burden. Most of the work was done by Zhou Yu, and Zhou Yu’s health wasn’t very good either, so some of the materials couldn’t be organized in a timely manner. I wanted to find Li Xiang and fellowship with her to resolve her state, but then I thought about how I didn’t understand principles of cleansing work as well as they did, and I wondered whether they would look down on me if they asked me some work-related questions that I couldn’t resolve. So I didn’t approach them for fellowship.

One day, a letter from upper leadership stated that our church’s progress in organizing materials for cleansing people had been slow and had delayed the work, and they asked me to follow up and resolve this issue. Reading this letter made me feel really guilty, as I knew that Li Xiang’s state wasn’t good, but because I was so concerned about protecting my pride, I didn’t promptly approach the sister for fellowship, making me responsible for the delay in the work. Lin Hui also sent me a letter, stating that we weren’t looking into the brothers’ and sisters’ states, that we didn’t understand how the work was progressing and that this issue was directly related to our neglecting to supervise or follow up on work. She also drew on God’s words to point out that my attitude toward my duties was wrong. I felt deeply troubled, and I realized that God was using my sister pruning me to wake me up. I had to correct my attitude toward my duties immediately. Later on, I sought out relevant passages of God’s words regarding Li Xiang’s state and fellowshipped with her. I also looked into the states of other sisters and how their duties were going, and I provided fellowship and solutions on their difficulties. Later, I found out that Li Xiang’s state hadn’t improved and I thought, “What will everyone think of me if I can’t even resolve my sister’s state? Will they think I lack truth realities and can’t resolve brothers’ and sisters’ problems? I’d be utterly embarrassed!” With this in mind, I felt somewhat negative, but I didn’t seek the truth to resolve my state.

Once, I wrote a letter to a sister discussing some issues in the work of cultivating people. After I finished the letter, Lin Hui made a lot of additions and edits, and I thought, “I still have to bother others with my duties. What would the others think of me if they knew this? Would they think that I’m incapable of doing anything as a leader? I used to think I was capable of doing certain tasks and earning the approval of my brothers and sisters, but I never expected to be so thoroughly revealed after becoming a leader. If I hadn’t taken on this duty, I wouldn’t have been embarrassed like this!” These thoughts made me feel negative and unmotivated in my duties, and I no longer wanted to follow up on the work I had been responsible for. I realized my state was wrong, so I prayed to God for guidance. One day, I read a passage of God’s words: “Instead of searching for the truth, most people have their own petty agendas. Their own interests, face, and the place or standing they hold in other people’s minds are of great importance to them. These are the only things they cherish. They cling to these things with an iron grip and regard them as their very lives. And how they are viewed or treated by God is of secondary importance; for the moment, they ignore that; for the moment, they only consider whether they are the boss of the group, whether other people look up to them, and whether their words carry weight. Their first concern is with occupying that position. When they are in a group, almost all people look for this kind of standing, these kinds of opportunities. When they’re highly talented, of course they want to be top dog; if they are of middling ability, they’ll still want to hold a higher position in the group; and if they hold a low position in the group, being of average caliber and abilities, they, too, will want others to look up to them, they won’t want others to look down on them. These people’s face and dignity are where they draw the line: They have to hold on to these things. They could have no integrity, and be possessed of neither God’s approval nor acceptance, but they absolutely cannot lose the respect, status, or esteem they have strived for among others—which is the disposition of Satan” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words exposed my state. I always wanted to stand out from the crowd and I kept worrying about being looked down upon and losing status in others’ eyes. I placed more importance on pride and status than on my own life. I thought back on my time as a leader. Back then, I’d realized that this was a chance given by God for me to train, and that I should have focused on steadfastly doing my job, fellowshipping and resolving the states and difficulties of brothers and sisters. As for problems I couldn’t resolve, I could have discussed things with my partnered sisters and seek guidance from upper leadership. But I wasn’t thinking about how to do my duties well. First and foremost, I was concerned about my pride and status. Because the sisters who were organizing the materials had cooperated with me before, and they grasped the principles of this duty better than I did, I was afraid of them looking down on me if I couldn’t resolve their problems, so I didn’t dare to follow up on their work. Later, I learned that Li Xiang’s state had been poor, and that this had delayed the work, but I continued to disregard the matter, afraid of being humiliated in the event that I couldn’t resolve the issue. Lin Hui read the letter I wrote and made additions and edits to the parts with shortcomings. This was actually beneficial to the work, but I felt that not even being able to write a proper letter meant that she saw right through me, making me want to go back to my original duties. I was tightly bound by concerns about pride and status, only thinking about my reputation and status, and even neglecting the work I was supposed to do.

Later on, I read another passage of God’s words: “Satan uses fame and gain to control man’s thoughts, until all people can think of is fame and gain. They struggle for fame and gain, suffer hardships for fame and gain, endure humiliation for fame and gain, sacrifice everything they have for fame and gain, and they will make any judgment or decision for the sake of fame and gain. In this way, Satan binds people with invisible shackles, and they have neither the strength nor the courage to throw them off. They unknowingly bear these shackles and trudge ever onward with great difficulty. For the sake of this fame and gain, mankind shuns God and betrays Him and becomes increasingly wicked. In this way, therefore, one generation after another is destroyed in the midst of Satan’s fame and gain. Looking now at Satan’s actions, are its sinister motives not utterly detestable? Maybe today you still cannot see through Satan’s sinister motives because you think one cannot live without fame and gain. You think that if people leave fame and gain behind, they will no longer be able to see the way ahead, no longer be able to see their goals, that their futures will become dark, dim and gloomy. But, slowly, you will all one day recognize that fame and gain are massive shackles that Satan uses to bind man. When that day comes, you will thoroughly resist Satan’s control and thoroughly resist the shackles Satan uses to bind you. When the time comes that you wish to throw off all the things Satan has instilled in you, you will then make a clean break with Satan and you will truly loathe all that Satan has brought to you. Only then will mankind have a real love and yearning for God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). From God’s words, I understood that Satan controls people’s thoughts using fame and gain, leading them down the wrong path, causing them to live in the shackles of fame and gain, shun God, and betray Him. Reflecting on myself in light of God’s words, I realized that I had made the pursuit of reputation and status my goal in life. Since childhood, I had always strived for reputation and status no matter the group I was in, believing that having reputation and status would earn me people’s esteem. I thought living like this was the only way to live a meaningful life. Even after finding God, I continued to pursue these things, living by satanic poisons like “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” and “Better to be a big fish in a small pond.” After being chosen as a church leader, I worried that if I didn’t do my duty well, I’d lose my pride and status, so I wanted to refuse the duty. When I went to the gathering with the sisters who organized the materials for cleansing people, since they had supervised my work before, I was afraid of losing face if I couldn’t resolve their issues, so I avoided supervising and following up on their work, which ended up delaying the cleansing work. When the partnered sister revised and added lots of additions to the letter I wrote, instead of learning and grasping principles from this, I felt revealed and utterly humiliated, and I wanted to run from this duty. Through the revelations of facts, I saw that I was tightly bound by Satan’s poisons, and unable to properly do my duty as a created being, which harmed the work and meant I was transgressing before God. Living by Satan’s poisons would only lead me to rebel against God, going down a path of opposing God. Reflecting on this, I felt fearful, remorseful, and filled with guilt, so I prayed to God, “Oh God, I don’t want to carry on like this. I want to repent. Please guide me to find a path of practice.”

Then I read more of God’s words: “Tell Me, how can you be people who are ordinary and normal? How can you, as God says, assume the proper place of a created being—how can you not try to be a superman, or some great figure? How should you practice to be an ordinary and normal person? How can this be done? Who will answer? (First of all, we have to admit that we are ordinary people, very commonplace people. There are many things we don’t understand, don’t comprehend, and can’t see through. We must admit that we are corrupt and flawed. After that, we have to have a sincere heart and come often before God to seek.) Firstly, don’t give yourself a title and become bound by it, saying, ‘I am the leader, I am the head of the team, I am the supervisor, no one knows this business better than me, no one understands the skills more than me.’ Don’t get caught up in your self-appointed title. As soon as you do, it will bind your hands and feet, and what you say and do will be affected. Your normal thinking and judgment will also be affected. You must free yourself from the constraints of this status. First, lower yourself from this official title and position and stand in the place of an ordinary person. If you do, your mentality will become somewhat normal. You must also admit and say, ‘I don’t know how to do this, and I don’t understand that, either—I’m going to have to do some research and studying,’ or ‘I’ve never experienced this, so I don’t know what to do.’ When you are capable of saying what you’re really thinking and speaking honestly, you will be possessed of normal reason. Others will know the real you, and will thus have a normal view of you, and you will not have to put on an act, nor will there be any great pressure on you, and so you will be able to communicate with people normally. Living like this is free and easy” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). Before, I’d thought that since I was a leader, I had to know and understand everything and be better than others. Bearing the title of leader in my duty, I was bound by reputation and status, and unable to feel a sense of liberation, and I became overcautious in my duty. Though I clearly lacked a lot, I still put up a pretense and concealed myself, as I was afraid that if I couldn’t resolve issues, the brothers and sisters would look down on me. The truth was, the brothers and sisters already knew about my shortcomings, so there was no need for me to mask myself. Although I lacked understanding of principles in the cleansing work, I could still cooperate with the sisters, and learn and equip myself with relevant truth principles, which would also make up for my deficiencies. I couldn’t keep living for pride and status. Moving forward, I had to put the title of “leader” aside, and face my shortcomings and deficiencies correctly. When I didn’t understand something, I should put aside my pride and status, openly fellowship with the brothers and sisters, and learn from others’ strengths to make up for my deficiencies and do my duty well.

Later, I recognized another fallacious viewpoint within me. I felt that since I was a leader, I surely had to be able to solve brothers’ and sisters’ problems. In response to this view, I read a passage of God’s words: “When someone is elected to be a leader by the brothers and sisters, or is promoted by the house of God to do a certain piece of work or perform a certain duty, this does not mean that they have a special status or position, or that the truths they understand are deeper and more numerous than those of other people—much less that this person is able to submit to God, and will not betray Him. Certainly, it does not mean, either, that they know God, and are someone who fears God. They have attained none of this, in fact. The promotion and cultivation is merely promotion and cultivation in the straightforward sense, and is not equivalent to them having been predestined and approved of by God. Their promotion and cultivation simply means they have been promoted, and await cultivation. And the ultimate outcome of this cultivation depends on whether this person pursues the truth, and on whether they are capable of choosing the path of pursuing the truth. Thus, when someone in the church is promoted and cultivated to be a leader, they are merely promoted and cultivated in the straightforward sense; it does not mean that they are already up to standard and competent as a leader, that they are already capable of undertaking leadership work, and can do real work—that is not the case. … So what is the aim and significance of promoting and cultivating someone? It is that this person is promoted, as an individual, in order for them to practice, and in order for them to be specially watered and trained, thus enabling them to understand the truth principles, and the principles, means, and methods of doing different things and solving various problems, as well as how to handle and deal with the various types of environments and people they encounter in accordance with God’s intentions, and in a way that protects the interests of the house of God. Judging based on these points, are the talented people promoted and cultivated by the house of God adequately capable of undertaking their work and doing their duty well during the promotion and cultivation period or prior to promotion and cultivation? Of course not. Thus, it is unavoidable that, during the cultivation period, these people will experience pruning, judgment and chastisement, exposure and even dismissal; this is normal, this is training and cultivation” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). From God’s words, I saw that in God’s house, cultivating a person for leadership duty doesn’t mean that they have truth realities, can fellowship and solve any problem, or are better than others, but rather, that they are being given more opportunities to practice. It’s normal to have deficiencies in one’s duty, and people have to rely more on God regarding things they don’t understand, cooperate with their brothers and sisters, do things according to the principles and requirements of God’s house, and focus on seeking the truth in the situations arranged by God. In this way, people can make faster spiritual growth. Although I was doing the duty of a leader, it didn’t mean that I understood everything, but through practicing, I could gradually come to grasp various truth principles. There was God’s love in this! I had misunderstood God, thinking that He was revealing me through this situation, and I’d truly let down God’s painstaking effort. I couldn’t misunderstand God anymore, and I had to put aside my pride and status, earnestly pursue the truth, and seek fellowship with my brothers and sisters when I didn’t understand something.

Later, the upper leadership asked us to share good ways to water newcomers with the brothers and sisters, and I thought about how to write these methods out clearly. After I’d finished writing, I wanted to show what I’d written to Lin Hui to see if it was suitable, but when I thought about my poor expression skills, I worried, thinking, “If it’s not good, what will Lin Hui think of me? Will she look down on me?” So I hesitated to show her what I’d written. But I realized that if what I’d written was unclear, it wouldn’t benefit my brothers and sisters much, and that if I had Lin Hui supplement and improve it, the outcome would be better. So I silently prayed to God, asking God to guide me to not be constrained by pride and status. I recalled some of God’s words: “Don’t pretend or put up a front. First, open up about what you’re thinking in your heart, about your true thoughts, so that everyone is aware of them and understands them. As a result, your concerns and the barriers and suspicions between you and others will all be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). I needed to put my pride aside and openly acknowledge my shortcomings. The truth was, Lin Hui knew me for exactly what I was, and her strong expression capabilities would complement my deficiencies perfectly, help avert deviations, and benefit our work. So I showed the letter I’d written to Lin Hui, and she pointed out some shortcomings. I found what she said quite helpful and sincerely thanked God for it.

I now realize that pursuing reputation and status truly harms people, as it not only stops me from feeling liberated but also damages the work. Only by practicing according to God’s words and letting go of pride and status can I live feeling liberated and at ease. At the same time, I also feel that admitting our own corruption and deficiencies isn’t shameful, and that opening up to brothers and sisters about our true state can allow us to gain their help. I feel that I have truly made a great gain in this.