By Xu Juan, China

I did the duty of designing images in the church, and I was later chosen as a team leader. After a period of cooperation, the progress of the work in the team improved somewhat, and the quality of the designs also increased. The leader valued me a lot, and would consult me on matters in the team most of the time. If a sister’s state was bad or she lacked technical skills, I would also be asked to offer more fellowship and help. On several occasions I also heard that the leader had praised my work capabilities in other teams, and I felt very pleased, thinking that I was better than others, and that I had decent caliber.

In August 2019, Sister Li Wen was transferred to our team to do her duty. The leader said her caliber was quite good and asked me to focus on cultivating her. In subsequent interactions, I saw that Li Wen did have quite good caliber. Sometimes she identified issues in the images that I had missed, and her suggestions for modifications were quite innovative and unique. Another sister in the team, Zhao Ling, also admired her. At this point, I had a sense of crisis in my heart, thinking, “If I am not as good as Li Wen, who will still admire me? That won’t do. I need to work hard on the technical side of my duty.” But no matter how hard I tried, I still wasn’t as good as Li Wen in technical areas, nor did I see issues as comprehensively as Li Wen did. I felt very frustrated. Later, I saw that Zhao Ling was getting quite close to Li Wen, that she’d seek out Li Wen’s help for any issues, and when the leader discussed issues with us, Li Wen’s viewpoints and suggestions often received everyone’s approval. I felt sidelined. Especially when the leader encouraged Li Wen to practice more as she was leaving, I felt very uncomfortable hearing this, thinking, “I don’t deny that Li Wen has good caliber, but I’m not half bad either! Many of the images I’ve created have been chosen before, and I am also capable of solving problems. Why can’t you see these things?” With these things in mind, I became jealous of Li Wen, thinking, “Before you came, the leader valued me more and consulted me on everything, but ever since you got here, I’ve been sidelined, you’ve stolen my ‘halo’!” The more I thought about it, the more this feeling of imbalance grew, and I began to hate Li Wen.

Later, I saw some friction between Li Wen and a host sister, but I didn’t offer any fellowship or help, and instead took pleasure in her situation, thinking, “Aren’t you supposed to be good at everything? Doesn’t everyone admire you? How come you can’t even manage your relationship with this host sister?” Sometimes, the host sister would mention Li Wen’s irritating personal habits in front of us, and although I would tell her to treat Li Wen correctly, deep down, I hoped she would become biased against her, and that way, people wouldn’t think Li Wen was so great and they wouldn’t hold her in such high regard anymore. One day, we needed to write a letter of communication about our techniques and we also had to revise some images. I was pretty good at writing communication letters, but the thought of the leader praising Li Wen made me not want to write one. I thought writing letters was Li Wen’s weak point, so I let her write it. I figured if she didn’t write it well, others wouldn’t think highly of her anymore. Through my façade of sincerity, I said to Li Wen, “Zhao Ling and I will work on the designs, and you write the letter. Everyone needs to practice being an all-rounder, so just do your best to write it, and don’t feel too much pressure.” Li Wen said she hadn’t written this kind of letter before and was afraid it would waste time if she did it poorly, but I insisted that she write it. The letter she wrote looked okay overall but lacked some details. I thought, “How is this not challenging you? You’ll end up stealing my thunder at this rate! Since the letter you wrote has shortcomings, I need to make you look bad!” I pointed out lots of issues, saying that some parts were unclear and others lacked detail. Li Wen became somewhat negative when she saw me pointing out so many problems. Later, I assigned some of the more challenging tasks in the team to Li Wen in a deliberate attempt to make things difficult for her. Sometimes, I would seize on any minor corruption Li Wen revealed and then criticize her to Zhao Ling, saying how arrogant she was, and how she didn’t keep a handle on her irritating personal habits and made the host sister dislike her. This led Zhao Ling to become biased against Li Wen. Li Wen became very constrained and negative, and wanted to transfer to another team to do her duty. Seeing Li Wen so negative, I felt a pang of guilt, thinking, “Am I being too hard on her?” But then I thought, “If I don’t do this, how will I gain a foothold in the team? Who will pay attention to me? My position as team leader might even be at risk.” These thoughts made the guilt disappear. Later, with the leader’s fellowship and help, Li Wen’s state improved. Meanwhile, I remained consumed by jealousy and couldn’t cooperate with Li Wen. Later, I had a toothache for over two months, and no matter what medication I took, nothing worked. The sisters reminded me to reflect on myself, but I just kept looking for external reasons. The leader then exposed me for being too concerned with reputation and status, for excluding others, for not harmoniously cooperating with others, for plunging the team into chaos, and for the work not getting results for several months. She said that I was following the path of an antichrist, and I was dismissed. Her words pierced my heart and I was distressed. I realized I had done evil and I just kept crying. I felt that my intense concern for reputation and status meant God wouldn’t save me, so I gave up on myself. Later, Zhao Ling shared her experiences and helped me, encouraging me not to give up and telling me that I should seek the truth to solve my problems.

One evening, during my devotionals, I heard a hymn of God’s word called “The Resolve Necessary to Pursue the Truth” which really touched me. God says: “You must have this understanding: ‘No matter what I encounter, they are all lessons that I must learn in my pursuit of the truth—they have been arranged by God. I may be weak, but I am not negative, and I am grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to learn these lessons. I am grateful to God for setting out this situation for me. I cannot let go of my resolve to follow God and gain the truth. Were I to give it up, that would be the same as conceding to Satan, ruining myself, and betraying God.’ This is the kind of resolve you must have” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Often Living Before God Can One Have a Normal Relationship With Him). In my head I sang this song over and over again as tears filled my eyes. I felt that being dismissed and the leader’s severe exposure of me were from God, and that this was God’s love and salvation for me. I had been so numb and intransigent, stubbornly pursuing reputation and status, and following the path of an antichrist. I had had a toothache for so long, and the sisters had also given me reminders and help, but I didn’t think to repent. My mind was filled with thoughts of how Li Wen’s being admired meant I was being neglected, and I was blinded by my desire for reputation and status, which made me hate and become biased toward Li Wen, do things that hurt her, and plunge the team into chaos. But I didn’t reflect and instead gave up on myself, with the misunderstanding that God would no longer save me. Was I not distorting God’s intention? I truly had no understanding of God’s heart. I didn’t know myself at all! Realizing this, I felt truly indebted to God, and that if it weren’t for God arranging these circumstances to chastise and discipline me, I would not have reflected on myself, and I would have continued down the wrong path. I couldn’t keep misunderstanding God and wanted to properly eat and drink His words to adjust my state.

Afterward, I read a passage of God’s words that was directly relevant to my state. God says: “Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them. If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly. If you recommend a good person and allow them to undergo training and perform a duty, thereby adding a person of talent to God’s house, will that not make your work easier? Will you not then be showing loyalty in your duty? That is a good deed before God; it is the minimum conscience and reason that those who serve as leaders should possess” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). Meditating on God’s words, I saw that what God exposed was exactly my state. I was envious of others’ capabilities and had a bad disposition. The work of making designs is very important, and it requires the collaboration of innovative and insightful people. This allows for the effectiveness of the designs to be enhanced. But Zhao Ling and I weren’t very innovative, while Li Wen excelled in this area, which just so happened to complement our shortcomings. This was beneficial to the work and I should have been happy that the church had someone like her. But that was not how I thought. Because of my pursuit of reputation and status, I was jealous of Li Wen at every turn. When I found out that her caliber was better than mine and that the leader valued her, I feared being overshadowed by her and was determined to surpass her, but to my surprise, no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t match up with her. But I was unwilling to admit defeat, so I began to make things difficult for Li Wen, nitpicking and intentionally making her embarrassed. I even seized on the corruption Li Wen revealed to judge and belittle her behind her back, causing people to no longer regard her highly. I saw that I was truly malicious, and that I had no reason that normal people possess! A person with normal humanity and reason wouldn’t do things to harm others. Such a person would be honest, consider God’s intentions, and have a heart inclined toward Him, and they would be happy to see someone cooperating in the work of God’s house. But not only did I fail to promote the work, but I disturbed and tore it down. My actions and behavior were so detestable to God, and I was truly unworthy of being called human!

I then read these words of God: “One of the most obvious characteristics of the essence of an antichrist is that they monopolize power and run their own dictatorships: They do not listen to anyone, they do not respect anyone, and regardless of people’s strengths, or what correct views or wise opinions they may express, or what suitable methods they might put forward, they pay them no heed; it is as if no one is qualified to cooperate with them, or to take part in anything they do. This is the kind of disposition antichrists have. Some people say this is being of bad humanity—but how could it be commonplace bad humanity? This is an entirely satanic disposition, and such a disposition is supremely vicious. Why do I say that their disposition is supremely vicious? Antichrists expropriate everything from the house of God and the property of the church, and treat them as their personal property, all of which is to be managed by them, and they do not permit anyone else to intervene in this. The only things they think about when doing the work of the church are their own interests, their own status, and their own pride. They do not allow anyone to harm their interests, much less do they allow anyone of caliber or anyone who is able to speak of their experiential testimony to threaten their reputation and status. … What’s more, the antichrists often fabricate lies and twist facts among the brothers and sisters, belittling and condemning people who can speak of their experiential testimony. No matter what work those people do, antichrists find excuses to exclude and suppress them, and are judgmental about them, saying they are arrogant and self-righteous, that they like showing off, and that they harbor ambitions. In fact, these people have some experiential testimony and possess some of the truth reality. They are of relatively good humanity, have conscience and reason, and are able to accept the truth. And though they may have some shortcomings, deficiencies, and occasional revelations of a corrupt disposition, they are capable of reflecting on themselves and repenting. These people are the ones whom God will save, and who have hope of being made perfect by God. In sum, these people are suited to doing a duty. They satisfy the requirements and principles for doing a duty. But the antichrists think to themselves, ‘There’s no way I’m going to put up with this. You want to have a role in my domain, to compete with me. That’s impossible; don’t even think about it. You’re more educated than me, more articulate than me, more popular than me, and you pursue the truth with greater diligence than I do. If I were to cooperate with you and you stole my thunder, what would I do then?’ Do they consider the interests of the house of God? No. What do they think about? They think only of how to hold on to their own status” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). God’s words of exposure are very clear. Antichrists place great importance on status and do not allow others to surpass them. Once someone does surpass them and threatens their status, they do everything they can to attack and exclude that person, not giving up until they have utterly torn the other person down. It’s truly malicious! Antichrists only consider how to protect their status and never think about the interests of God’s house. Even if the interests of God’s house are harmed or brothers and sisters are hurt, they remain indifferent. My performance fit this description as well. I saw that Li Wen had good comprehension, was progressing quickly, could offer unique insights, and that she received approval from the leader and the partnered sister, so I was worried about losing my status and developed an animosity toward Li Wen. I believed she had taken away my “halo,” so I began to exclude her. I intentionally made things difficult for her to make her look bad, and I also judged behind her back, drawing in the host sister and Zhao Ling to side with me in excluding and targeting Li Wen. I wanted to push her into negativity and then kick her out of my “territory.” I saw that I had been truly immoral and treacherous! I was being controlled by the satanic poisons of “In all the universe, only I reign supreme” and “There can only be one alpha male.” I was unable to tolerate anyone else, and I either hated or was jealous of anyone I discovered to be better than myself, even using schemes to torment them, not giving up until they became negative and lay defeated. Looking back now, I lived by these satanic poisons and had a particularly arrogant and malicious disposition. In my words and actions, I never considered the interests of God’s house at all. How was this disposition of mine any different from an antichrist’s?

Later, I read a passage of God’s words and gained some understanding of the nature and consequences of my actions to protect my interests and disturb church work. Almighty God says: “If you always disturb, disrupt, and undermine things that God wants to defend, if you always show contempt toward such things, and always have notions and opinions about them, then you are naysaying God and standing against Him. If you don’t regard the work of God’s house and the interests of God’s house as important, and always want to undermine them, and always want to cause destruction, or always want to profit from them, cheat, or embezzle, then will God be angry with you? (Yes.) What are the consequences of God’s anger? (We will be punished.) This is for certain. God will not forgive you, absolutely not! Because what you are doing is tearing down and destroying the church’s work, and this is in conflict with the work and interests of God’s house. This is a great evil, it is entering into a rivalry with God, and it is something that directly offends God’s disposition. How can God not be angry with you? If some people, because they are of poor caliber, aren’t competent in their work and unintentionally do things that cause disruption and disturbance, this is excusable. However, if due to your own personal interests you engage in jealousy and strife and intentionally do things that disrupt, disturb, and destroy the work of God’s house, this counts as a deliberate violation, and this is a matter of offending God’s disposition. Will God forgive you? God is doing the work of His 6,000-year management plan, and all of His painstaking effort goes into it. If someone opposes God, deliberately harms the interests of God’s house, and deliberately pursues their personal interests and their personal prestige and status at the expense of harming the interests of God’s house, and doesn’t hesitate to tear down the church’s work, causing the work of God’s house to be obstructed and destroyed, and even doing tremendous material and financial damage to God’s house, do you think that such people should be forgiven? (No, they shouldn’t.) … Pursuing fame, gain, and status, and pursuing one’s own interests—this is cooperating with Satan in doing evil, and it is opposing God. In order to hinder God’s work, Satan raises up various environments to tempt, disturb, and mislead people, and to prevent people from following God, and to prevent them from being able to submit to God. Instead, they cooperate with Satan and follow it, deliberately rising up to disturb and destroy God’s work. No matter how much God fellowships on the truth, they still don’t come to their senses. No matter how much God’s house prunes them, they still don’t accept the truth. They don’t submit to God at all, instead they insist on having things their own way and doing as they please. As a result, they disturb and destroy the church’s work, seriously affect the progress of the church’s various work, and cause enormous harm to the life entry of God’s chosen people. This sin is too great, and such people will certainly be punished by God” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part One)). Reading God’s words, I felt as if God was exposing me face to face. His words struck my heart and I felt really frightened. Considering that Li Wen could produce more and better designs, which would benefit the church work, I not only failed to support her and uphold this work, but I also kept excluding her and seized on her shortcomings to intentionally make things difficult for her and isolate her. This resulted in Li Wen falling into a negative state and becoming unable to do her duty normally. The work in the team was also severely affected, yielding no results for months. What I did was undermine, disturb, and ruin the church work. This was opposing God and angering His disposition. I thought about how Saul was jealous of David. God anointed David, and David relied on Jehovah God to win victories and gain the support of the Israelites. Saul couldn’t tolerate him, and he felt that with David around, he couldn’t keep his throne, so he pursued David relentlessly, trying to kill him, but with God’s protection, Saul couldn’t harm David, and Saul ultimately died on the battlefield. My actions were essentially the same as Saul’s. I was using trickery to protect my reputation and status, and I excluded and tormented Li Wen, resulting in her living in a negative state and losing the motivation to do her duty, to the point where she even wanted to leave the team. Looking back, though it may have looked like I was just trying to make life hard for Li Wen, in reality, I was tearing down the church work and opposing God! Li Wen was effective in her duty, but I tried every trick I could think of to exclude her, and I was pleased when I could push her out. This was disrupting and disturbing the church work. Wasn’t this the action of a devil and a Satan? This thought terrified me. I hadn’t expected my disposition to be so malicious. Looking back now, my dismissal was indeed God’s righteousness! At that moment, I shed tears of regret, and I hated myself for being so lacking in humanity! I prayed to God in repentance, willing to wholly correct my past wrongs.

The next morning, during my devotionals, I read experiential testimony articles written by brothers and sisters about their experiences of resolving jealousy, and I found a path of practice. God says: “The functions are not the same. There is one body. Each does his duty, each in his place and doing his very best—for each spark there is one flash of light—and seeking maturity in life. Thus will I be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 21). “You must learn to let go and set these things aside, to recommend others, and to allow them to stand out. Do not struggle or rush to take advantage of opportunities to stand out and shine. You must be able to put these things aside, but you must also not hold up the performance of your duty. Be a person who works in quiet obscurity and does not show off to others while you loyally perform your duty. The more you let go of your pride and status, and the more you let go of your interests, the more at peace you will feel, the more light there will be in your heart, and the more your state will improve. The more you struggle and compete, the darker your state will become” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). Reflecting on God’s words, I understood that in partnering with Li Wen in our duties, there was a truth I had to practice. I had to stand in my position properly and set aside my thoughts about gains and losses to my interests, and I had to learn to uphold the church work and do my duty well. The caliber of a person is determined by God and cannot be changed by oneself. Just like Li Wen, who had keen understanding and insight, her viewpoints and the designs she made were innovative and creative, and she was the type of person with good caliber. While my caliber was average, and I wasn’t as innovative as Li Wen, so no matter how I competed with her, I couldn’t surpass her. The effectiveness I had in my work before was all due to God’s guidance and results achieved through the cooperation of brothers and sisters, not due to my strong work capability or my caliber. But I didn’t thank God for His guidance. Instead, I attributed these results to myself, boasting that I had good caliber and was a talented person. I was truly shameless! If it had not been for this dismissal, and the severe pruning from the leader, I would still be competing with Li Wen for reputation and status, and in the end I wouldn’t even know why I was eliminated! Now I realized that pursuing reputation and status had no value at all. Thinking about it, what good was it if others held me in high regard? I once received admiration and support from others, but that was just temporary glory and pride. My corrupt disposition hadn’t changed at all, and I was still competing for fame and gain. In the end, I became so numb that even when my sisters pointed out my faults right under my nose, I didn’t realize I needed to reflect on myself. I saw that I had been blinded by reputation and status. I had been truly foolish! I had fought for worthless reputation and status, and left serious transgressions in my wake before God. I lost so many opportunities to gain the truth. It was truly worthless! The church had arranged for Li Wen and me to do our duties together so that we could cooperate harmoniously and bring out our strengths. It was just as God says: “Each does his duty,” and “for each spark there is one flash of light” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 21). When we work hard together to do our duties well and satisfy God, God’s heart gains satisfaction. Reflecting on this, I felt a great sense of relief. By letting go of my jealousy, I felt so much peace and ease in my heart.

After over a month of devotionals and reflection, I gained some understanding of myself, and the leader then arranged for me to do my duty with Li Wen and the others again. I knew this was God’s mercy, and that God was giving me a chance to repent, and I was truly grateful to God! At that time, Li Wen was the team leader, and the leader consulted her on all kinds of matters. I felt a bit uncomfortable. I realized my jealousy was flaring up again, so I quickly prayed to God, asking God to watch over me and help me practice the truth and let go of my jealousy toward my sister. Later, I read these words of God: “What are your principles for conducting yourselves? You should conduct yourselves according to your station, find the right place for you, and perform the duty that you ought to; only this is someone with reason. By way of example, there are people who are adept at certain professional skills and have a grasp of principles, and they should take on the responsibility and make the final checks in that area; there are people who can provide ideas and insights, inspiring others and helping them to perform their duties better—then they should provide ideas. If you can find the right place for you and work in harmony with your brothers and sisters, you will be fulfilling your duty—this is what it means to conduct yourself according to your station” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). Considering that Li Wen had better technical skills and her compositions were innovative and creative, and as a team leader she could drive the work of the team, I had to cooperate harmoniously with her and do our duties well. It was a fact that I wasn’t as technically skilled as Li Wen, and so I had to view my shortcomings correctly and not be jealous of her. My caliber is determined by God, and I must accept this from God, learn to submit, and contribute my strength. This is my duty and responsibility. Not cooperating properly with Li Wen before brought losses to the church work, but God has given me another opportunity, which I must cherish, and I must not do anything disruptive or undermining anymore. With this in mind, I was able to let go of some of my jealousy toward Li Wen. Over the course of our cooperation, I shared as much as I understood, and accepted the good suggestions that Li Wen put forward. In this way, we were of one mind and heart, we cooperated harmoniously, and the effectiveness of our duties improved. I also made some progress in my life entry and in my technical skills. I was able to break free from the bonds of jealousy and cooperate harmoniously with my sister. This was the result of God’s words working in me. Thank God!