By Xu Hui, China

In 2010, during a medical examination, I was diagnosed with chronic hepatitis B with positive antigens. At that time, I was terrified, afraid that one day my condition might worsen into liver cancer. Whenever I heard of someone passing away from liver cancer, my heart would skip a beat. But since my family was poor and couldn’t afford treatment, I felt that my fate was bitter and resigned myself to living day by day. In 2020, I was fortunate to accept God’s work of the last days. I learned that a sister had been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but after she started believing in God and actively doing her duty, before she knew it, her illness had healed. This gave me hope for my own condition. I thought to myself, “Believing in God is truly wonderful. As long as I do my duties properly and expend myself enthusiastically, God will surely heal my illness too.” So later, I actively did my duties and became a preacher. Although the church’s work was somewhat busy, and sometimes I felt exhausted or physically unwell, whenever I thought that God would heal my illness as long as I did my duties properly, my heart was comforted and I felt strengthened in my duties.

In February 2023, I went to the hospital for a medical examination. The doctor discovered that my hepatitis B virus DNA level was very high, and the virus was replicating rapidly. I was immediately referred to the infectious disease department specializing in liver conditions, and the doctor said solemnly, “You need to start medication now to control it. If it’s not controlled, it could very likely develop into cirrhosis or liver cancer.” This result hit me like a bolt from the blue, and I was extremely worried and scared, thinking, “What if it really does develop into cirrhosis or liver cancer, and I die?” During those days, I lived in negative emotions of distress, anxiety, and worry all day long. I thought to myself, “I have been doing my duties since I started believing in God. Even when my family persecuted me, I didn’t give up my duties. But why hasn’t my illness improved? Instead, it’s gotten worse. Now that God’s work is about to end, if I die at this time, won’t my hope of salvation be lost? Wouldn’t all the suffering and effort expended over the past two years have been for nothing?” These thoughts were heart-wrenching and upsetting. I also recalled the doctor advising me to get plenty of rest and not to overexert myself. I thought, “Since God hasn’t healed me, I’ll just have to take better care of my body. From now on, I can’t work myself too hard in doing my duties. If my condition really worsens and develops into liver cancer and becomes untreatable, then I truly could die.” At that time, the gospel work of the churches that I was responsible for had run into some difficulties. However, I didn’t want to worry about it and didn’t resolve those issues in a timely manner, which resulted in the gospel work coming to a standstill. During gatherings, my mind would constantly wander, and I would always be thinking about my illness. I tried to speak as little as possible during the gatherings, worried that talking too much would exhaust me. I also lacked the heart to handle daily work correspondence, and I did my duties sluggishly. I didn’t follow up on the work that needed to be addressed, and regardless of any urgent tasks, I went to bed early every night, fearing that I might overexert myself. I even thought about quitting as a preacher and switching to a less strenuous duty. Gradually, my heart drifted further and further from God. I no longer wanted to read God’s words or pray, and I was fretting about my illness every day.

Later, the leader fellowshipped with me about the possibility of taking on responsibility for the work of two additional churches. I knew I should accept this, but then I thought that the increased number of churches I’d be responsible for would give me more to worry about. What if my condition worsened due to overwork? I also remembered a distant relative who had been diagnosed with liver cancer and passed away shortly after starting treatment. Thinking of these things, I declined. Later, the leader fellowshipped with me about my state and read me two passages of God’s words: “Then there are those who are in poor health, who have a weak constitution and lack energy, who are often sick with major or minor illnesses, who cannot even do the basic things necessary in daily life, who cannot live or get about like normal people. Such people often feel uncomfortable and unwell while performing their duties; some are physically weak, some have real illnesses, and of course there are some who have known and potential diseases of some kind or other. Because they have such practical physical difficulties, such people often sink into negative emotions and feel distress, anxiety, and worry. What are they feeling distressed, anxious, and worried about? They worry that if they keep performing their duty like this, expending themselves and running around for God like this, and always feeling this tired, then will their health deteriorate more and more? When they reach 40 or 50, will they be confined to their beds? Do these worries hold up? Will anyone provide a concrete way of dealing with this? Who will take responsibility for this? Who will be answerable? People with poor health and who are physically unfit feel distressed, anxious, and worried about such things” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). “Even though birth, old age, sickness and death are constants among mankind and are unavoidable in life, there are those with a certain physical constitution or special illness who, whether they’re performing their duties or not, fall into distress, anxiety, and worry over the difficulties and diseases of the flesh; they worry about their illness, they worry about the many hardships their illness may cause them, whether their illness will become serious, what the consequences will be if it does become serious, and whether they will die from it. In special situations and certain contexts, this series of questions causes them to become mired in distress, anxiety, and worry and unable to extricate themselves; some people even live in a state of distress, anxiety, and worry because of the serious disease they already know they have or a latent disease they can do nothing to avoid, and they are influenced, impacted, and controlled by these negative emotions” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, I realized that I had been living in negative emotions of distress, anxiety, and worry over my illness during this period of time. When the doctor had said during the examination that my hepatitis B virus replication rate was very high and needed medication to control it, or else it could develop into cirrhosis or liver cancer, I had begun to worry about my condition. I had been afraid that overworking could worsen my illness, leading to cirrhosis or liver cancer, and that I would die. Then, I would have no chance of attaining salvation. Thinking about this had made me very despondent. My mind had been preoccupied with how to take good care of my body and prevent my condition from worsening. I’d had no sense of burden at all in doing my duties. The gospel work at a church had run into difficulties and I had failed to resolve them in time, which had resulted in the gospel work coming to a standstill. Sometimes at night, I hadn’t been that sleepy and had some urgent letters on hand to handle, yet when I saw that it was late, I’d quickly go to bed without responding to the letters promptly. I had even thought about switching to a less strenuous duty, so I wouldn’t have to worry or work too hard, which might prevent my condition from worsening. I had been constantly consumed by negative emotions throughout the day, and my heart had been unable to truly engage in my duties. I would even refuse to take on the duties that had been placed before me. I saw that I had been consumed with distress over my illness all day long, unable to fulfill the responsibilities I ought to fulfill, and showing no loyalty in doing my duties. God had elevated me and allowed me to train in being a preacher, giving me the opportunity to do my duties and gain the truth. This was God’s grace. Yet, I had lived every day consumed by negative emotions of distress, anxiety, and worry. I had approached my duties perfunctorily and sluggishly, failing to address various difficulties and issues in church work in a timely manner, which had caused losses to the work. In what way did I have any sense of responsibility, or any conscience and reason? I truly didn’t deserve God’s salvation! Thinking about this, I felt regret and self-blame. I realized deep down that living in negative emotions was very oppressive and painful. It had not only affected the performance of my duties but would also cause me to lose my resolve to pursue the truth and attain salvation. Thinking about this, I felt scared and anxious. I couldn’t continue living in such a muddled and confused state. I needed to let go of the negative emotions of distress and anxiety, and earnestly pursue the truth and fulfill my duties, leaving no regrets.

Later, I thought of a passage of God’s words: “So many believe in Me only that I might heal them. So many believe in Me only that I might use My power to drive unclean spirits out from their bodies, and so many believe in Me simply that they might receive peace and joy from Me. So many believe in Me only to demand from Me greater material wealth. So many believe in Me just to spend this life in peace and to be safe and sound in the world to come. So many believe in Me to avoid the suffering of hell and to receive the blessings of heaven. So many believe in Me only for temporary comfort, yet do not seek to gain anything in the world to come. When I grant My fury to people and seize all the joy and peace that they once possessed, they become doubtful. When I grant to people the suffering of hell and reclaim the blessings of heaven, they fly into a rage. When people ask Me to heal them, and I pay them no heed and feel abhorrence toward them, they depart from Me to instead seek the way of evil medicine and sorcery. When I take away all that people have demanded from Me, they all disappear without a trace. Thus, I say that people have faith in Me because My grace is too abundant, and because there are far too many benefits to gain” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. What Do You Know of Faith?). The exposure of God’s words was piercing and upsetting. It felt as though God were judging me face to face. My faith in God had been just about demanding His grace and blessings, bargaining with God, and viewing Him as merely an object of my demands. Thinking back to when I had first come to believe in God, I’d seen that some brothers and sisters who had incurable illnesses were healed after believing in God, so I’d hoped that I too would be healed after believing in God. In harboring this intention to gain blessings, I had forsaken things and expended myself, and had been very proactive in doing my duties, and had also been willing to suffer and pay a price. When I had this latest check-up and saw that my condition had not only failed to improve but had worsened, and that there was even a risk of death, I had been unable to submit, and had begun complaining about and misunderstanding God. I had even regretted forsaking and expending myself for God, and no longer wanted to do my duties. My purpose in believing in God hadn’t been to fulfill my duty as a created being, to diligently pursue the truth and live out normal humanity, but to demand blessings from God. It had been for the sake of making God heal me that I’d suffered and paid a price in doing my duties. In what way was this doing my duties? I’d been bargaining with God, using and deceiving Him! I’d been safeguarding my own interests in everything. I’d been too selfish in nature, without any conscience and reason whatsoever! I thought about how Paul did much work, forsaking things and expending himself, suffering hardships, and paying a price, traveling across lands and seas to preach the gospel and gain many people. But his toiling and working was not in order to do his duty or to show consideration for God’s intentions, but to gain the blessings of the kingdom of heaven—he was bargaining with God. In the end, not only did he not receive God’s approval but was condemned by Him. My views on pursuit in believing in God were just like Paul’s, aiming for blessings and benefits. If I didn’t promptly turn myself around, my outcome would be like Paul’s—being condemned and punished by God. If it hadn’t been for God’s revelation, I wouldn’t have reflected on or known myself, and would have continued along this wrong path, which would ultimately lead to losing the chance of being saved. Realizing this, I felt very remorseful. I understood that the illness I faced was God’s love and salvation for me. So, I made a prayer of repentance to Him, “Oh God, whether my illness can be healed or not, I am willing to let go of my wrong intentions and fulfill my duty to satisfy You.” Later, I told the leader that I was willing to take on the responsibility for the work of two more churches.

After that, I did my duties normally. But as the workload increased and there were many things to handle every day, I started to worry again, “Will doing my duty like this exhaust my body? With prolonged worry and fatigue, will my condition worsen and develop into cirrhosis or liver cancer?” I realized that I was again living in negative emotions of distress, worry, and anxiety. So, I prayed to God, asking Him to lead me out of being consumed by my illness and to give me faith. Later, I read these words of God: “Whether you are sick or in pain, as long as you have a single breath left, as long as you are still living, as long as you can still speak and walk, then you have the energy to perform your duty, and you should be well-behaved in the performance of your duty with your feet planted firmly on the ground. You must not abandon the duty of a created being or the responsibility given to you by the Creator. As long as you are not yet dead, you should complete your duty and fulfill it well. Some people say, ‘These things You say are not very considerate. I’m sick and it’s hard for me to bear!’ When it’s hard for you, you can take a rest, and you can take care of yourself and receive treatment. If you still wish to perform your duty, you can reduce your workload and perform some suitable duty, one that doesn’t impact your recovery. This will prove that you have not abandoned your duty in your heart, that your heart has not strayed from God, that you have not denied God’s name in your heart, and that you have not abandoned the desire to be a proper created being in your heart. Some people say, ‘I’ve done all of that, so will God take this sickness from me?’ Will He? (Not necessarily.) Whether God takes that sickness from you or not, whether God cures you or not, what you do is what a created being ought to do. Whether you are physically capable of performing your duty or not, whether you can take on any work or not, whether your health permits you to perform your duty or not, your heart must not stray from God, and you must not abandon your duty in your heart. In this way, you will fulfill your responsibilities, your obligations, and your duty—this is the faithfulness you should hold to. Just because you cannot do things with your hands or you’re not able to speak anymore, or your eyes no longer see, or you cannot move your body anymore, you must not think that God ought to heal you, and if He doesn’t heal you then you want to deny Him in your innermost heart, abandon your duty, and leave God behind. What is the nature of such an act? (It is a betrayal of God.) It is a betrayal!” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, I found a way to practice. Duties are God’s commission to man and the responsibility and obligation of a created being. No matter what illness or physical pain one faces, they should not give up the duty that a created being should do. God’s requirements for people are not high. He only asks that within the limits of physical endurance, one should fulfill their duty with all their heart and strength, and that would be satisfactory to Him. If there is physical pain, one can rest appropriately, take medication, and get treatment. They can also exercise more regularly and arrange their work and rest schedule reasonably. This way, it won’t affect them doing their duties.

Later, I understood from God’s words how to view death. God says: “Everyone must face death in this life, that is, death is what everyone must face at the end of their journey. However, there are many different attributes to death. One of these is, at the time predestined by God, you have completed your mission and God draws a line under your fleshly life, and your fleshly life comes to an end, though this doesn’t mean that your life is over. When a person is without flesh, their life is over—is that the case? (No.) The form in which your life exists after death depends on how you treated God’s work and words while you were alive—this is very important. The form in which you exist after death, or whether you will exist or not, will depend upon your attitude toward God and toward the truth while you are alive. … There is something else to note, and that is that the matter of death has the same nature as other matters. It is not up to people to choose for themselves, much less can it be changed by the will of man. Death is the same as any other important event in life: It is entirely under the predestination and sovereignty of the Creator. If someone were to beg for death, they may not necessarily die; if they were to beg to live, they may not necessarily live. All this is under the sovereignty and predestination of God, and it is changed and decided by the authority of God, by God’s righteous disposition, and by God’s sovereignty and arrangements. Therefore, say you contract a serious illness, a potentially fatal serious illness, you will not necessarily die—who decides whether you will die or not? (God.) God decides. And since God decides and people cannot decide such a thing, what are people feeling anxious and distressed about? It’s like who your parents are, and when and where you are born—these things cannot be chosen by you, either. The wisest choice in these matters is to let things take their natural course, to submit, and not to choose, not to expend any thought or energy on this matter, and not to feel distressed, anxious, or worried about it. Since people are not able to choose for themselves, expending so much energy and thought on this matter is foolish and unwise. … Because it is not known whether you will die or not, and it is not known whether God will allow you to die—these things are unknown. Specifically, it is unknown when you will die, where you will die, what time you will die, or how your body will feel when you die. By racking your brains thinking about and pondering things you don’t know and feeling anxious and worried about them, doesn’t that make you foolish? Since it makes you foolish, you shouldn’t rack your brains over these things” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (4)). “Whatever matter people find themselves dealing with, they should always approach it with an active, positive attitude, and this is even more true when it comes to the matter of death. Having an active, positive attitude does not mean going along with death, waiting for death, or positively and actively pursuing death. If it doesn’t mean pursuing death, going along with death, or waiting for death, what does it mean? (Submitting.) Submission is a kind of attitude toward the matter of death, and letting go of death and not thinking about it is the best way to handle it” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (4)). After reading God’s words, I understood that each person’s life and death are held in God’s hands. God plans and arranges well in advance when and how we will die in this lifetime, and it has nothing to do with whether we get sick or not. Even if I don’t get sick, I cannot escape when the time that God has preordained for me to die arrives. Even if I get a very severe illness, God will not readily take my life if my mission is not completed. A person’s life and death are held in God’s hands, and not determined by human maintenance. But I hadn’t been able to see through to the matter of life and death, living in the negative emotions of distress, worry, and anxiety. I had always been worried that my condition might worsen and develop into liver cancer and lead to death, so I would always hold back in my duties, not doing everything that I could, and spending my time and energy on maintaining my health. I had been truly ignorant and foolish! Now I realized that even if I took good care of my health, if I didn’t fulfill my duty, I wouldn’t receive God’s approval, and every day I lived would be empty, without any value or meaning. In the end, when disaster comes, I would still have to die. Thinking back to when I had first learned about my worsening condition, I hadn’t wanted to read God’s words and had nothing to say in prayer, going to bed early every day. Outwardly, my body had seemed at ease and well-maintained, but I’d felt no guidance from God and had lived each day without any meaning. In my heart, I had felt very empty and anguished. Now, although doing my duty was a bit grueling and a bit exhausting, the sense of peace and ease in my heart couldn’t be replaced by anything else. I had truly experienced that only by earnestly pursuing the truth and fulfilling my duties could life have value and meaning, and could I feel at peace and at ease. A month later, when I went to the hospital for a follow-up appointment, the doctor said that my condition had improved to a mild case of hepatitis B, and that I only needed to take some antiviral medication. Upon hearing this, I could hardly believe it. Seeing that everything was in God’s hands, I was deeply grateful to God.

Having experienced this illness, I see clearly the despicable intention in my pursuit of blessings through believing in God, and I realize the harm caused by my negative emotions. I also realize that God allowed illness to befall me in order to cleanse my extravagant desires and unreasonable demands of Him, allowing me to see clearly the ugly truth of my corruption by Satan, so that I can earnestly pursue the truth, cast off my corrupt dispositions, and achieve God’s salvation. This is God’s love and salvation! I am deeply grateful to God from my heart!