By Su Kai, China

On March 6, 2023, the leader scheduled a gathering with several of us co-workers. I usually looked forward to these gatherings, thinking that we could all fellowship our comprehension and understanding of God’s words, exchange experiences, and discuss the various problems and difficulties we had encountered in our work, learning from each other’s strengths to make up for our shortcomings—which was great. But this time, I felt a bit concerned. I thought about how, in the past two months, the leader had pointed out several issues in my work, namely that the progress of the gospel work was slow, that I’d failed to promptly cultivate people who had been identified as talented, and even, that my fellowshipping in gatherings was exalting and flaunting myself, and that I was walking the path of an antichrist. I thought, “If the leader asks me in this gathering about how I’ve been experiencing things recently, and about how I’ve corrected these deviations and practiced and entered the truth, and supposing I can’t say anything, will she then think that I’m not doing my work well and that my life entry is poor? How will she and my co-workers view me then?” Thinking of this made me very nervous, so I began to think about which tasks I hadn’t followed up on or didn’t have a handle on. I thought I needed to quickly get a clear understanding before the gathering. Also, last time, the leader had pointed out my issue of exalting and flaunting myself. Although I did read some of God’s words afterward, I didn’t focus on self-reflection and entry. I wondered, “If I can’t share a genuine understanding, will the leader say that even when faced with pruning, I don’t focus on self-reflection and that I’m not someone who pursues the truth? I’d better take another look at the passages of God’s words I previously read and ponder them, and strive to be able to articulate some deep insights. That way, the leader can see that even though there are many problems in the performance of my duty and I reveal corrupt dispositions, afterward I can still seek the truth and practice and enter it, to some extent. This way, I will be able to restore my image in the leader’s eyes.”

On the day of the gathering, the leader started, as usual, by chatting with us about our states. I thought to myself, “Let the co-workers speak first, so I can hear what experiences and understanding they have gained. I can draw some light from their fellowship, and also use this opportunity to think back more over my own experience and understanding.” Hearing how practical my co-workers’ fellowship was, I started to feel a bit nervous, thinking, “If I don’t fellowship well, the leader’s impression of me will only get worse.” This thought made it hard for me to calm down, and I began to ponder how I could express myself more clearly and deeply during my fellowship. But no matter how much I pondered on it, my understanding remained as shallow as before, which left me feeling a bit discouraged: “Forget it. I’ll just share whatever it is that I understand.” But then I thought, “I’ve already left a bad impression on the leader. If she hears how shallow my understanding is, will she think that I’m not doing my work well and that I have no life entry, and consider me for observation or even dismissal? If I get dismissed, how will the brothers and sisters regard me? No, I have to make a better showing of myself.” When it was my turn to share my state and understanding, I wanted to present a deep understanding, but the more I went on, the more confusedly I spoke. When I finished speaking, the leader said, “After hearing all you’ve shared, I still can’t tell what your main state is.” A co-worker also said, “You sound a bit negative. If you truly have understanding and entry, you shouldn’t be negative.” At that moment, my face felt hot, and I wished I could crawl into a hole. I thought to myself, “Great, not only did I fail to make a good impression, but I also embarrassed myself even more.” The more I thought about it, the more awkward I felt. I just hoped the gathering would end soon. The leader then stopped asking about my state and started inquiring about how I’d handled a report letter. I thought to myself, “I’m quite familiar with the situation regarding this report letter, so I can talk about this matter to show myself off a bit. But since the sister I partnered with was also involved, if she speaks first, will the leader think it was her who has fellowshipped on the situation and handled it? No, I need to speak first. I’ve already embarrassed myself, so I need to win back some face this time.” Thinking of this, I jumped in to answer. But in my eagerness to make a good showing of myself, I ended up not expressing myself clearly. It was actually the sister I partnered with who clarified things with some additional fellowshipping. At that moment, I felt really bad—I had wanted to take the lead and show myself off, but had ended up embarrassing myself even more. That evening, as I reflected on the events of the day, I just couldn’t calm my mind, try as I might. I couldn’t help but start thinking again about how to win back my lost pride. But the more I focused on this, the more upset I felt, and my head grew foggy.

The next morning, during my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words: “Do you frequently examine your behavior and intentions as you are doing things and performing your duties? (Rarely.) If you rarely examine yourself, can you recognize your corrupt dispositions? Can you understand your true state?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After reading God’s words, I began to examine myself and realized that my intentions for this gathering hadn’t been right. I had wanted to use my fellowshipping about my experience and understanding to showcase myself, and to make an impression on others. The more I reflected on my intentions and behavior, the more I felt that my behavior during the gathering had deceitful elements, and that I had been engaging in deception. Upon examining this, I began to feel conflicted. “Should I tell the leader in today’s gathering about my state yesterday?” I thought. “If I do, how will she and my co-workers view me, knowing I had such despicable intentions during the gathering? But if I don’t, how will God view me?” After much contemplation, I decided to tell the leader about my real state the day before. However, I spoke with her privately at the time, as I was too embarrassed to discuss it in front of my co-workers.

Later, as I further reflected on what I had revealed during the gathering, I thought about how God exposes the hypocrisy of the Pharisees, and I found these words of God: “How are Pharisees described? They are people who are hypocritical, completely fake, and put on an act in everything they do. What act do they put on? They pretend to be good, kind, and positive. Is this what they are actually like? Absolutely not. Given that they are hypocrites, everything that is manifested and revealed in them is false; it is all pretense—it is not their true face. Where is their true face hidden? It is hidden deep within their hearts, never to be seen by others. Everything on the outside is an act, it is all fake, but they can only fool people; they cannot fool God. If people do not pursue the truth, if they do not practice and experience God’s words, then they cannot truly understand the truth, and so no matter how nice-sounding their words are, these words are not the truth reality, but words and doctrines. Some people only focus on parroting words and doctrines, they ape whoever preaches the highest sermons, with the result that in just a few years their recital of words and doctrines grows ever more advanced, and they are admired and venerated by many people, after which they start to camouflage themselves, and pay great attention to what they say and do, showing themselves to be especially pious and spiritual. They use these so-called spiritual theories to camouflage themselves. This is all they talk about wherever they go, specious things that fit with people’s notions, but which lack any of the truth reality. And through preaching these things—things that are in line with people’s notions and tastes—they mislead many people. To others, such people seem very devout and humble, but it is actually fake; they seem tolerant, forbearing, and loving, but it is actually a pretense; they say they love God, but it is actually an act. Others think such people holy, but it is actually fake. Where can a person who is truly holy be found? Human holiness is all fake. It is all an act, a pretense. On the outside, they appear loyal to God, but they are actually just performing for others to see. When no one is looking, they are not the slightest bit loyal, and everything they do is perfunctory. Superficially, they expend themselves for God and have given up their families and careers. But what are they doing in secret? They are conducting their own enterprise and running their own operation in the church, profiting from the church and stealing offerings secretly under the guise of working for God…. These people are the modern hypocritical Pharisees” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). God’s words expose that the Pharisees are hypocritical, adept at disguising themselves. Their speech and actions are driven by ulterior motives and purposes. They do not follow God’s way but instead preach words and doctrines to showcase themselves. They use outwardly good behavior to adorn and package themselves, and thereby appear humble and loving, and patient with others. They even stand on street corners praying, so others can see their piety and perceive them as people who love God. The Pharisees disguise and adorn themselves with the intention and purpose of misleading others, and gaining people’s admiration and support, all to maintain their own status. Reflecting on what I had revealed, I realized that I had been similar to the Pharisees. In the last gathering, the leader pointed out the problems in my work. Worried about the leader’s negative view of me, I had wanted to perform better in this gathering to restore my image in her eyes. I hadn’t handled some tasks properly and didn’t grasp the details. Fearing the leader would see through this, I quickly took steps to look into the details, and was more diligent in my work and gatherings than usual. My aim was to make the leader think that I could still do some actual work. I saw that my diligent efforts to follow up on work and fellowship to address issues had not been for the sake of doing my duty well and being considerate of God’s intentions, but rather to restore my image in the leader’s eyes and gain admiration from my co-workers. I had been truly selfish and deceitful! Reflecting on my manifestations in doing my duty, I realized that many times I had acted to protect my pride and to present myself well in front of others. There had even been occasions when the leader had followed up to find out about the work, and I had not yet done some tasks, but being worried that she might say I was inefficient, I had lied and said I was already following up, and hurried to do the work afterward. Reflecting on what I had revealed most of the time and my performance during the gathering, I felt quite upset. I had been covering up and disguising myself, and being hypocritical, to protect my pride. What difference was there between me and the Pharisees?

Later, I looked up some passages from God’s words relating to my state, and one particular passage moved me deeply. Almighty God says: “Antichrists are quite sensitive when it comes to their status among other people. When in a group, they don’t believe their age and physical health are of any importance. What they believe to be important is how the majority sees them, whether the majority gives them time and saves them a place in their speech and actions, whether their status and position in the hearts of the majority are high or ordinary, whether the majority sees them as high up or ordinary or nothing special, and so on; what the majority considers their credentials of faith in God to be like, how weighty their words are among people, that is, how many people approve of them, how many people praise them, give them the thumbs up, listen attentively, and take it to heart after they say something; moreover, whether the majority sees them as having great or little faith, what their determination to endure suffering is like, how much they give up and expend, what their contributions to God’s house are like, whether the post they hold in God’s house is high or low, what they’ve suffered in the past, and what important things they’ve done—these are the things they are most concerned about. … Antichrists mainly focus on making effort with giving sermons and with how to explain God’s words in a way that shows themselves off and gets others to think highly of them. While they’re making this effort, they’re not seeking how to understand the truth or how to enter the truth reality, but rather they’re pondering how to remember these words, how they can show off their strengths to even more people, so that even more people come to know that they’re really something, that they’re not just ordinary people, that they’re capable, and that they’re higher up than ordinary people. Harboring these kinds of ideas, intents, and views, antichrists live among people doing all kinds of different things. Because they have these views, and because they have these pursuits and ambitions, they cannot help but engender good behaviors, correct sayings, and good actions of all kinds, great and small” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Ten)). God’s words expose that antichrists do their duties solely to pursue a high status among people, aiming to gain their approval and admiration through their words and actions. To secure their status, they forsake things and expend themselves, endure sufferings and pay a price, engaging in many good deeds. They also put effort into God’s words, equipping themselves with words and doctrines, so they can preach them before others. Comparing myself to them, I realized I was the same. I had prioritized my pride and status above all else. Once my flaws and issues in doing my duties had been exposed, I tried all kinds of ways to recover my standing. I clearly hadn’t focused on reflecting on the issue of exalting and flaunting myself, nor did I have a true understanding, but I had still tried to package and adorn myself, deceiving the brothers and sisters. I saw how deceitful I was. Doing things this way was essentially deceiving God, something detested and condemned by Him. Thinking of this, I felt some fear, realizing that if I didn’t change my state, I would be spurned by God.

Later, I reflected on how I always wanted to maintain a good image in people’s eyes, and realized that I was governed by the satanic poisons of “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” I recalled that recently God had fellowshipped about this aspect of the truth, so I found relevant passages in God’s words to read. Almighty God says: “The saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ is intended to make people attach importance to living out their bright and colorful side and doing more things that make them look good—rather than doing things that are bad or dishonorable, or exposing their ugly side—and to prevent them from living without pride or dignity. For the sake of one’s reputation, for the sake of pride and honor, one cannot rubbish everything about oneself, let alone tell others about one’s dark side and shameful aspects, because one must live with pride and dignity. In order to have dignity one needs a good reputation, and to have a good reputation one needs to put up a pretense and dress oneself up. Doesn’t this conflict with comporting oneself as an honest person? (Yes.) When you comport yourself as an honest person, what you are doing is completely at odds with the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.’ If you want to comport yourself as an honest person, don’t attach importance to pride; a person’s pride isn’t worth a cent. Faced with the truth, one should expose oneself, not put up a pretense or create a false image. One must reveal to God one’s true thoughts, the mistakes one has made, the aspects that violate the truth principles, and so on, and also lay these things bare to one’s brothers and sisters. It is not a matter of living for the sake of one’s reputation, but rather, it is a matter of living for the sake of comporting oneself as an honest person, living for the sake of pursuing the truth, living for the sake of being a true created being, and living for the sake of satisfying God and being saved. But when you don’t understand this truth, and don’t understand God’s intentions, the things that are conditioned into you by your family tend to dominate. So when you do something wrong, you cover it up and put up a pretense, thinking, ‘I can’t say anything about this, and I won’t allow anyone else who knows about it to say anything either. If any of you say anything, I won’t let you off lightly. My reputation comes first. Living is for nothing if not for the sake of one’s reputation, because it’s more important than anything else. If a person loses their reputation, they lose all their dignity. So you can’t tell it like it is, you have to pretend, you have to cover things up, otherwise you will lose your reputation and dignity, and your life will be worthless. If no one respects you, then you’re just worthless, cheap trash.’ Is it possible to comport yourself as an honest person by practicing this way? Is it possible to be completely open and dissect yourself? (No, it isn’t.) Obviously, by doing this you are adhering to the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ that your family has conditioned into you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (12)). “Family conditions people not just with one or two sayings, but with a whole host of well-known quotations and aphorisms. For example, do your family elders and parents often mention the saying ‘A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies’? (Yes.) They are telling you: ‘People must live for the sake of their reputation. People seek nothing else in their lifetime, other than to forge a good reputation among others and make a good impression. Wherever you go, be more generous in giving out greetings, pleasantries, and compliments, and say more kind words. Don’t offend people, but instead do more good deeds and kind acts.’ This particular conditioning effect exerted by family has a certain impact on people’s behavior or principles of conduct, with the inevitable consequence that they attach great importance to fame and gain. That is, they attach great importance to their own reputation, prestige, the impression they create in people’s minds, and others’ estimation of everything they do and every opinion they express. By placing great importance on fame and gain, you unwittingly place little importance on whether the duty you perform accords with the truth and principles, whether you are satisfying God, and whether you are fulfilling your duty adequately. You see these things as being of lesser importance and lower priority, whereas the saying ‘A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,’ which your family has conditioned into you, becomes extremely important to you. … Everything you do is not for the sake of practicing the truth, nor in order to satisfy God, but rather, it is for the sake of your own reputation. In this way, what has everything that you do effectively become? It has effectively become a religious act. What has become of your essence? You have become the archetype of a Pharisee. What has become of your path? It has become the path of antichrists. That is how God defines it. So, the essence of everything you do has become tainted, it’s no longer the same; you are not practicing the truth or pursuing it, but instead you are pursuing fame and gain. Ultimately as far as God is concerned, the performance of your duty is—in a word—inadequate. Why is that? Because you are devoted only to your own reputation, rather than to that which God has entrusted to you, or to your duty as a created being” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (12)). The words of God exposed my exact state. All along, I had been living according to the satanic philosophies and laws of “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” When I was young, my parents often said, “People live for their pride,” and frequently said things like, “Look at so-and-so’s child, bringing disgrace to their parents.” From then on, I began to understand the importance of protecting my pride and having a good reputation. I had learned that when interacting with others, I should read their expressions and moods, and tailor my words and actions to suit their preferences. When doing this helped me earn praise from those around me and helped me establish a good reputation, I identified even more with these satanic philosophies and laws, believing that living this way brought honor. After I came to believe in God, I also often spoke and acted for the sake of protecting my pride, constantly wanting to establish a good image in the hearts of my brothers and sisters and gain their admiration. In the last gathering, the leader had pointed out many of my issues. In order to reclaim my pride and show the leader that I had changed, I’d kept pretending and covering up myself throughout the gathering, unwilling to lay bare my true state and the shortcomings in my work. Even though my issues were exposed and I was seen through, I still tried to find ways to recover my lost face. Pursuing pride and status had made me increasingly hypocritical and deceitful. I focused on how to maintain my pride and status in doing everything, without considering the interests of God’s house. I also did not put effort into the truth principles, lacking a sense of burden and responsibility toward my duties. Just like in this gathering, I covered up my true state and the shortcomings in my work. The leader couldn’t identify my issues, so she couldn’t help me, and the deviations and gaps in my work couldn’t be addressed in a timely manner. I then realized that living according to these satanic poisons and pursuing pride and status is not the right path; it only leads people to rebel against God, resist Him, and ultimately be eliminated by Him. Realizing this, I became unwilling to continue being corrupted and used by Satan, which would ruin my chance to gain the truth and be saved. I wanted to put aside my pride and status and pursue being an honest person according to God’s requirements.

Afterward, I read another passage of God’s words: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After reading God’s words, I understood that the path to letting go of pride and status begins with being an honest person. This means not covering up or disguising my shortcomings and corruption, but being open and seeking the truth to resolve them. Only in this way could I have the opportunity to cast off my corrupt dispositions, correct my erroneous views on pursuit, and do my duties to uphold the interests of God’s house.

In August 2023, due to a reassignment of my duties, I began to cooperate with Sister Zhang Qin to take responsibility for a church. Since I was unfamiliar with some of the work upon taking over, I really wanted to ask Zhang Qin for help. However, I worried that asking her would expose my shortcomings and I thought she might say, “You’ve been a church leader before; how come you seem to know nothing? That’s really poor.” When I revealed these thoughts, I held back the issue and thought, “Forget it. I’ll figure it out on my own.” A couple of days passed, and there were still some aspects of the work I didn’t understand. I began to feel anxious, and it was then that I realized my reluctance to ask Zhang Qin was just another way of protecting my pride and putting up a pretense. I thought of a passage of God’s words: “You should first think of the interests of God’s house, be considerate of God’s intentions, and consider the work of the church. Put these things first and foremost; only after that can you think about the stability of your status or how others regard you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). I silently prayed, unwilling to live for my pride any longer. For the aspects I didn’t understand or issues I had difficulty grasping, I went and asked Zhang Qin about them. Through her fellowship, I found a path forward. During subsequent cooperation, there were times when I didn’t understand certain aspects or had deviations in my work, and I occasionally still wanted to say things or cover up my shortcomings for the sake of my pride. However, remembering that God likes honest people and loathes deceitful ones, I realized that I needed to practice the truth and be an honest person according to God’s requirements. Only by doing so could I cast off the corrupt dispositions of pretense and hypocrisy. With this in mind, I was willing to rebel against myself, to open up about my shortcomings and corruptions, and no longer felt so constrained or bound by concerns about protecting my pride. Thank God!