By Liu Xing, China

In 2016, I was elected as a church leader. I felt really motivated, and I resolved to do this duty properly and do my utmost to handle all the church work well, so that the brothers and sisters would see that they had chosen the right person. But I soon discovered that Sister Li Xin, who was cooperating with me, had been doing her duty longer than me, had better caliber, and could fellowship the truth with more clarity. When we attended gatherings together, she was able to resolve most of the questions raised by the brothers and sisters, and the brothers and sisters enjoyed listening to her fellowship. Seeing all this, I felt a little uneasy, thinking, “Li Xin’s fellowship on the truth is indeed quite clear, but if this continues, the others will look up to her. Then who will pay attention to me? That won’t do, I’ve got to find a way to prove myself.” After that, I’d often stay up late to eat and drink more of God’s words and equip myself with the truth. During gatherings, whenever someone’s fellowship on God’s words was illuminating, I hurried to take notes so that I could fellowship it in gatherings with other groups, letting the brothers and sisters see that I also understood quite a lot. Later, because Li Xin lived in a relatively remote area, it was inconvenient for the brothers and sisters to consult her with their questions, so I took this as an opportunity to take all of the church’s work into my own hands, and sometimes, I made arrangements without discussing them with Li Xin. Over time, Li Xin came to feel that she wasn’t playing a significant role, and her motivation for her duties began waning. In addition, her heavy family burdens made her state increasingly negative, and several times, when she saw me, she even let out a heavy sigh, and said that she wasn’t capable of doing this duty. Although I appeared to fellowship with her, inwardly, I hoped for her to remain negative, thinking that this would allow me to stand out even more. Later, due to her consistently poor state, Li Xin was dismissed, and the church elected a new leader, Sister Wang Ling. Seeing that Wang Ling had good caliber, I felt a sense of crisis, and I felt that after some training, she might surpass me, so I didn’t want her to stand out. It just so happened that Wang Ling, being newly elected, was unfamiliar with the work, so I used this as an excuse to take full control of the church’s work, denying her opportunities to use her talents. One time, a church task required urgent fellowship and implementation, but since Wang Ling wasn’t local, she was unfamiliar with some of the gathering places. I didn’t take her along with me to familiarize her with the area or to implement the work together, but instead excluded her, and implemented the work in the areas that were supposed to be within her scope of responsibility. Later, I even mentioned to the brothers and sisters that Wang Ling had no sense of burden for the work, and I shared how I alone had been running about implementing the work. This caused some brothers and sisters to become prejudiced against her and unwilling to listen to her fellowship. Consequently, Wang Ling became negative. I felt a bit guilty, but I didn’t reflect on myself. Instead, I continued to show off to the brothers and sisters how much I had sacrificed and endured in my duty. The brothers and sisters often praised me for the sense of burden and responsibility I had toward the work, saying that the church couldn’t do without me. I felt really pleased with myself when I heard this. Later, I found that I was no longer receiving any enlightenment or illumination from God’s words and that I had nothing to say during prayers. I spent my days in a muddled and aimless state, and the results of the church’s work also started to decline. It was then that I finally realized my state wasn’t right, so I came before God to pray and seek, asking Him to enlighten and guide me to know myself.

I read God’s word: “No matter what duty the antichrists do, they will try to put themselves in a high position, in a position of primacy. They could never be content with their place as an ordinary follower. … They always have personal intentions in the performance of their duty, and they always want to distinguish themselves as a means to satisfy their need to beat other people, and satisfy their desires and ambitions. While doing their duty, in addition to being highly competitive—competing, in every regard, to stand out, to be on top, to get above others—they’re also thinking about how to keep their current status, reputation and prestige. If there is anyone who threatens their status or prestige, they stop at nothing, and give no quarter, in bringing them down and getting rid of them. They even use despicable means to suppress those who are able to pursue the truth, who do their duty with loyalty and a sense of responsibility. They are also full of envy and hatred toward brothers and sisters who perform excellently in their duty. They are especially hateful toward those whom the other brothers and sisters endorse and approve of; they believe such people to be a serious threat to what they strive for, to their reputation and status, and in their hearts they swear that ‘It’s you or me, me or you, there isn’t room for the two of us, and if I do not bring you down and get rid of you, I cannot live with myself!’ Toward brothers and sisters who express a different opinion, who expose them, or who threaten their status, they are relentless: They think of anything they can to get something on them in order to pass judgment on them and condemn them, to discredit them and bring them down, and they will not rest until they do” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). “If someone says they love the truth and that they pursue the truth, but in essence, the goal they pursue is to distinguish themselves, to show off, to make people think highly of them, to achieve their own interests, and the performing of their duty is not to submit to or satisfy God, and instead is to achieve fame, gain, and status, then their pursuit is illegitimate. That being the case, when it comes to the work of the church, are their actions an obstacle, or do they help move it forward? They are clearly an obstacle; they do not move it forward. Some people wave the banner of doing the work of the church yet pursue their own personal fame, gain, and status, run their own operation, create their own little group, their own little kingdom—is this kind of person doing their duty? All the work they do essentially disrupts, disturbs, and impairs the work of the church” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part One)). What God’s word exposed was my exact state. Ever since I became a leader, I’d always focused on how others regarded me. When I found that the sister that I was cooperating with was better than me, I couldn’t accept it, and I wanted to compete with her and compare myself to her. I just had to outdo others, and to make everyone think highly of me. When I was cooperating with Li Xin, I saw that her caliber was good, that she had good work capability, that her fellowship of the truth was clear, and that she was able to solve the brothers’ and sisters’ problems. I felt jealous and couldn’t accept this, and I was afraid that the brothers and sisters would all think highly of her and look down on me. So I went around studying the light contained within others’ fellowship to adorn myself, hoping to make others think highly of me by doing this. It even reached the point where, in order to show that I was better than Li Xin, I took on all of the church work myself and refused to let Li Xin intervene, covertly sidelining her. I was also indifferent when I saw that Li Xin’s state wasn’t good, as I was afraid that if her state improved, her work results would surpass mine. When I was cooperating with Wang Ling, I was also highly competitive. I was well aware that Wang Ling had just started to train as a leader and that I should help and support her, but when I saw that her caliber was good, I was afraid that once she got to grips with the work, she would surpass me and impact my status. So I worked alone to show off my own work capability, and I didn’t give her any chances to make full use of her talents. I even disparaged her behind her back as I exalted myself, resulting in brothers and sisters becoming prejudiced against her and excluding her, until eventually she succumbed to negativity. When I thought about my having done these things, I really felt that I had no humanity and was quite despicable. The brothers and sisters had chosen me to be a leader, and I should have cherished this opportunity. I should have cooperated with the brothers and sisters in doing the church’s work well. But I didn’t think about how to cooperate harmoniously with others in my duties and be loyal. Instead, I constantly competed for fame and gain so that people would think highly of me. Not only did my behavior constrain the two sisters, but it also affected the church’s work. Now I had fallen into the darkness, and this was God chastening and disciplining me, and I realized that if I didn’t reflect and repent I would be spurned by God. This thought really scared me, so I immediately prayed to God, “God! I wish to repent to You. I will never compete with my brothers and sisters again.” When I did my duties after that, I began to consciously put myself aside and stopped competing with Wang Ling. Instead, I learned how to cooperate with her in doing the church’s work and began to help her get to grips with her duties as quickly as possible. Wang Ling’s state improved, she began to do her duties actively, and she was able to solve some actual problems. I felt ashamed when I saw this. I knew that it was all because I’d always been competing with Wang Ling and had never given her the opportunity to train that she had become despondent. Now that we were cooperating, Wang Ling was able to make full use of her talents, and the results yielded in church life also improved. I was very happy about this, and felt that I had made some entry in this area, but because my corrupt disposition was deeply rooted in me, it wasn’t long before I was back in a state of competing for fame and gain again.

In September 2018, our church merged with another church nearby, and I was chosen to be a leader again. I was very happy, because I felt that continuing to be a leader after the church merger proved that I was capable. But then I thought about the two sisters with whom I was to collaborate. One was Sister Pang Jing, who had served as a leader for many years. She understood many principles, she had rich experience and she was often able to fellowship the truth and solve the problems of brothers and sisters. The other was Sister Chen Min, whose caliber and work capability were both pretty good. So I felt under a lot of pressure, and worried that the brothers and sisters would come to look down on me since they were both better than me and I’d be the weakest among us. Because of this I secretly began to redouble my efforts, and I squeezed in more time each day to go to group gatherings, as I thought I could outdo them by doing more work, suffering more, and paying a greater price than them. I made extra efforts to find time to spend with the brothers and sisters in Pang Jing’s scope of responsibility in particular. I’d attend every single group gathering, hoping to gain the approval of the brothers and sisters they were responsible for. One time, I heard Pang Jing say that there was a group in her area where the brothers and sisters could never work in harmony, and even though she’d fellowshipped with them several times, she hadn’t been able to resolve the issue. I thought, “I’ve got to seize this opportunity to fellowship and resolve this problem. That’ll show that I’m better than her.” So I immediately made time to visit this group. Through my patient fellowship, I finally resolved the brothers’ and sisters’ states. The sister from the host home even praised my ability to solve problems in front of Pang Jing. I felt really pleased with myself when I heard this and thought myself quite capable. Later, to establish a good image of myself, I often spent my days attending the gatherings of various groups, and I’d stay up until 1 a.m. reading God’s words and researching materials, so that I could address issues promptly. Before each gathering, I’d prepare as if I were a teacher planning out lessons in the hopes that the brothers and sisters would see that I was good at fellowshipping the truth. One time, because I attended a gathering in another area, I missed a group gathering. To make the brothers and sisters think I was responsible, after I got back the next day, I rushed to squeeze in time to make up for the missed gathering. But unexpectedly, on my way to the gathering, I suddenly got a flat in the rear tire of my electric bike. I found myself stranded in the middle of nowhere in the rain and snow, and for a while, I didn’t know what to do. Just when I was at my wit’s end, I suddenly remembered that all the people, events, and things that come upon us each day are permitted by God, and that perhaps there was a lesson for me to learn in this situation. Upon reflection, I realized that my intention in attending the gathering wasn’t right. I wasn’t attending to fellowship on God’s words and understand the truth with the brothers and sisters, but rather to use this gathering as a chance to make them see that I had a sense of burden and responsibility, making them look up to me. I was still acting for the sake of fame, gain, and status.

Later, I read this passage of God’s word: “In order to obtain power and status, the first thing antichrists do in the church is try to win other people’s trust and esteem, so that they can convince more people, and make more of them look up to and worship them, thereby achieving their goal of having the final say in the church, and holding power. When it comes to obtaining power, they are most skilled at competing and fighting with other people. People who pursue the truth, who have prestige in the church, and who are loved by the brothers and sisters, are their primary competition. Any person who poses a threat to their status is their competition. They compete with those who are stronger than them unflinchingly; and they compete against those who are weaker than them, without feeling any pity at all. Their hearts are filled with philosophies of battle. They believe that if people do not compete and fight, they won’t be able to obtain any benefits, and that they can only get the things they want by competing and fighting. In order to obtain status, and to take a preeminent position within a group of people, they do whatever it takes to compete with others, and they do not spare a single person who poses a threat to their status. No matter who they interact with, they are full of the desire to do battle, and even as they grow old, they still fight. They often say: ‘Could I beat that person if I competed against them?’ Whoever is eloquent, and can speak in a logical, structured, and methodical way, becomes the target of their envy and of their imitation. Even more so, they become their competition. Whoever pursues the truth and possesses faith, and is able to help and support the brothers and sisters frequently, and enables them to emerge from negativity and weakness, also becomes their competition, as does anyone who is an expert in a certain profession, and somewhat esteemed by the brothers and sisters. Whoever gets results in their work, and obtains the recognition of the Above, naturally becomes an even greater source of competition for them. What are the mottos of antichrists, no matter what group they are in? Share your thoughts. (Fighting with other people and with Heaven is a source of endless fun.) Isn’t this mad? This is mad. Are there any others? (God, don’t they think that: ‘In all the universe, only I reign supreme’? That is, they want to be the highest, and no matter who they are with, they always want to outdo them.) This is one of their ideas. Any others? (God, I thought of four words: ‘The winner is king.’ I think that they always want to be superior to others and stand out, no matter where they are, and they strive to be the highest.) Most of what you’ve spoken about are kinds of ideas; try using a sort of behavior to describe them. Antichrists do not necessarily want to occupy the highest position no matter where they are. Whenever they go to a place, they have a disposition and a mentality compelling them to act. What is this mentality? It is ‘I must compete! Compete! Compete!’ Why three ‘competes,’ why not a single ‘compete’? (Competition has become their life, it is what they live by.) This is their disposition. They were born with a disposition that is wildly arrogant and difficult to contain, that is, seeing themselves as second to none, and being extremely egotistical. No one can curtail this incredibly arrogant disposition of theirs; they themselves cannot control it either. So their life is all about fighting and competing. What do they fight and compete for? Naturally, they compete for fame, gain, status, face, and their own interests. No matter what methods they have to use, so long as everyone submits to them, and so long as they obtain benefits and status for themselves, they have achieved their goal. Their will to compete is not a temporary amusement; it is a kind of disposition that comes from a satanic nature. It is like the disposition of the great red dragon that fights with Heaven, fights with the earth, and fights with people. Now, when antichrists fight and compete with others in the church, what do they want? Without a doubt, they are competing for reputation and status. But if they gain status, what use is it to them? What good is it to them if others listen to, admire, and worship them? Antichrists themselves cannot even explain this. In reality, they like to enjoy reputation and status, to have everyone smile at them, and to be greeted with flattering and fawning” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). God’s words expose that antichrists really love fame, gain, and status, and that no matter who they’re with, they like to compete with and compare themselves to others. They always want to surpass others so that people will look up to and worship them, and they’re even willing to resort to unscrupulous means to compete and fight against others for fame, gain, and status. There’s no despicable thing they won’t do. Reflecting on myself in light of God’s words, I saw that the disposition I revealed was the same as that of an antichrist. From childhood all the way into adulthood, I’d lived by satanic poisons like “Man struggles upward; water flows downward” and “There can only be one alpha male.” No matter what I did, I always wanted to do better than others, and wherever I went, I wanted to win others’ admiration and praise. Even after finding God, I still always wanted to show off and be better than others in everything I did, and I kept striving and competing for reputation and status. I couldn’t cooperate harmoniously with others, and I even excluded and belittled my partnered sisters to elevate myself. Even in gatherings where I fellowshipped to resolve issues, my aim was always just to outdo my partnered sisters. I realized that living by these satanic poisons had made me increasingly arrogant and malicious. I only cared about my reputation and status, and I didn’t think about God’s intentions or the church’s interests. As a result, I hurt my brothers and sisters and disrupted and disturbed the church’s work. I thought about those antichrists who were expelled, who went so far as to exclude and suppress dissenters to solidify their position. They disrupted and disturbed the church’s work, and ultimately, they were eliminated for offending God’s disposition with their many evil deeds. I realized I was walking the same path as those antichrists. I kept pursuing reputation and status, and if I didn’t repent, I would surely offend God’s disposition and be punished by Him. I felt really afraid, and I found myself filled with regret and guilt. I resolved to myself, “I must rebel against the flesh, practice the truth, and cooperate harmoniously with my sisters to do my duty well.”

Later, I read this passage of God’s word: “You must learn to let go and set these things aside, to recommend others, and to allow them to stand out. Do not struggle or rush to take advantage of opportunities to stand out and shine. You must be able to put these things aside, but you must also not hold up the performance of your duty. Be a person who works in quiet obscurity and does not show off to others while you loyally perform your duty. The more you let go of your pride and status, and the more you let go of your interests, the more at peace you will feel, the more light there will be in your heart, and the more your state will improve. The more you struggle and compete, the darker your state will become. If you do not believe Me, try it and see! If you want to reverse this sort of corrupt state, and to not be controlled by these things, you must seek the truth, and clearly understand the essence of these things, and then put them aside and relinquish them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). “Do not always do things for your own sake and do not constantly consider your own interests; do not consider the interests of man, and give no thought to your own pride, reputation, and status. You must first consider the interests of God’s house, and make them your priority. You should be considerate of God’s intentions and begin by contemplating whether or not there have been impurities in the performance of your duty, whether you have been loyal, fulfilled your responsibilities, and given it your all, as well as whether or not you have been wholeheartedly thinking about your duty and the work of the church. You must consider these things” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God’s words gave me a path of practice. In handling matters, I must learn to put aside my personal interests, reputation, and status, and prioritize the church’s interests. Only then can I do my duty well. In reflecting on how my partnered sisters’ caliber was better than mine and how they could solve actual problems, I saw that this benefits the church’s work and brothers’ and sisters’ life entry, and that I should cooperate with them more, learning from their strengths as we complement each other. This is how the church’s work can achieve better results and how my own shortcomings can be supplemented, and this is how I can do my duty in accordance with God’s intention. After this, I practiced according to God’s words, no longer considering whether my partnered brothers and sisters were better than me, and only focusing on playing my role in my duty. I also opened up to my partnered sisters in fellowship about the corruption I’d revealed during this period and about my reflections and the understandings I’d come to. After listening to me, the sisters didn’t look down on me, and instead, they fellowshipped and helped me. Moving forward, we discussed work together and cooperated harmoniously. After some time, the church’s work made progress.

One day, the upper leaders sent a letter saying that they were going to elect a preacher from among the church leadership. I felt my heart stir, as I wanted to be chosen, but then I thought, “Chen Min understands the truth better than I do, and she has good caliber and has work capability, so based on the principles, she’d be more suitable.” But I still felt a bit uneasy, thinking, “If Chen Min really does become the preacher, what will the brothers and sisters think of me? Will they say I’m not as good as her?” I was in a fierce internal struggle. At that moment, a passage of God’s words clearly came to my mind: “You must learn to let go and set these things aside, to recommend others, and to allow them to stand out. Do not struggle or rush to take advantage of opportunities to stand out and shine. You must be able to put these things aside, but you must also not hold up the performance of your duty. Be a person who works in quiet obscurity and does not show off to others while you loyally perform your duty” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). The enlightenment and guidance of God’s words brightened my heart. I thought about how I used to often wallow in a corrupt disposition, being highly competitive and trying to outdo others, and whenever something came up that would allow me to make a name for myself, I would find myself competing and trying to outdo others. Not only did this constrain people, but it also impacted the church’s work. When I thought of these things I found myself filled with regret. Now I had to rebel against my satanic disposition, put aside reputation and status, and put the church’s work first. Chen Min had been doing duties longer than me, and she fellowshipped the truth more practically, so her being a preacher would be more beneficial for the church’s work. Thinking of this, I voted for Chen Min. After practicing like this, I felt a sense of peace and ease in my heart. It was God’s words that brought about this change in me. Thank God!