By Jin Xin, China

I cared deeply about my pride and was constantly concerned about how others perceived me. Whenever I attended gatherings, I would become very nervous, always fearing that if I didn’t pray or fellowship well, others would look down on me. Before every prayer, I would prepare in advance, thinking of the exact words to use. When fellowshipping about God’s words, if I had some experiential understanding, I wasn’t as worried. But if I lacked understanding and didn’t know what to fellowship, my heart would race as if I had butterflies in my stomach, and my palms would sweat. In daily life, if others noticed my shortcomings, I would feel extremely embarrassed, and dare not look them in the eye, and every action I took became very constrained. Living in such a state often left me feeling very repressed and in pain.

I remember when I first trained in doing text-based work, there was a time when the supervisor came to hold a gathering with us. I saw my partner, Sister Yang Min, fellowshipping very specifically, and I thought to myself, “Can’t you fellowship less? You’ve already covered what I know, so if I fellowship later, it will be repetitive. Then the supervisor will definitely think I have no new understanding. If I fellowship about other parts and end up not being spot-on, will the supervisor think my comprehension of the truth is poor and my fellowship is not getting to the point?” The more I thought, the more anxious I became. I looked over a passage of God’s words, then another, pondering which one I could draw some understanding from to share. My mind was in such a mess at the time that I couldn’t calm down to seriously ponder it. After reading for a long time, I still didn’t know where to start. I really hoped that after Yang Min finished sharing, the supervisor would continue to fellowship, so I wouldn’t have to fellowship. But to my surprise, after Yang Min finished, the supervisor asked me to fellowship. I was worried that if I said that I had no understanding, others would look down on me, so I ended up staying silent. I knew everyone was waiting for me to fellowship, but I just felt too inhibited. At that moment, a sister bluntly reminded me, “You should fellowship as much as you understand. If you’re afraid of not fellowshipping well and being looked down upon by others, and keep thinking about how to fellowship better or avoid fellowshipping altogether, you’re protecting your own image. Your intention is to make people think highly of you and to occupy a place in their hearts.” Those few words struck me directly in my heart. I didn’t dare to lift my head to look at the brothers and sisters, my face was burning, and I felt resistant inside, thinking, “I also know I shouldn’t be like this, but I just can’t overcome it!” Seeing me remain silent all along, everyone else didn’t say anything more. At that time, the atmosphere was very awkward. After the gathering, I felt constantly distressed and was unable to fully engage in my duties. Another time, Sister Zhang Xin asked Yang Min and me to give feedback on a script she had written. Soon after, Yang Min pointed out the issues she saw. After she finished, Zhang Xin asked me what problems I spotted. I thought, “It seems like the thought process isn’t very clear, but I’m not sure where the problems are. What should I say? If I say something wrong, it will be so embarrassing.” To avoid being looked down upon, I remained silent. Zhang Xin asked me again, and although I appeared calm on the surface, I was anxious inside, “I haven’t figured it out yet. What should I say? If I mention the minor issues I noticed, it would be fine if I’m right, but if I’m wrong, will Zhang Xin think that after working on the script for some time, I can’t even identify the issues, and that I am really too bad?” At this moment, Zhang Xin grew impatient and said, “Don’t just keep silent. If you’ve noticed something, say what you’ve seen. If you haven’t, just say so.” Everyone looked at me quietly. At that moment, I felt extremely awkward and wished I could just sink into the ground. Reluctantly, I said, “Let’s not discuss it for now; just leave it as you’ve written for the time being.” Everyone had no choice but to go back to their own tasks. I sat there feeling very embarrassed and deeply distressed. Thinking about the earlier scene, I couldn’t help but speculate on how the two sisters would view me. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became, and I wasn’t in the mood to do my duties, feeling as if a heavy stone was pressing on my heart. Thinking about how I often lived in such a state, I felt very pained and didn’t know what lesson I should learn. So I prayed to God, asking Him to enlighten and guide me to understand my true state.

Later, I read two passages of God’s words and gained some understanding of my state. God says: “If you often have a sense of accusation in your life, if your heart can find no rest, if you are without peace or joy, and are often beset by worry and anxiety about all kinds of things, what does this demonstrate? Merely that you do not practice the truth, do not stand firm in your testimony to God. When you live amid the disposition of Satan, you are liable to often fail to practice the truth, to betray the truth, to be selfish and vile; you only uphold your image, your name and status, and your interests. Always living for yourself brings you great pain. You have so many selfish desires, entanglements, fetters, misgivings, and vexations that you do not have the least peace or joy. To live for the sake of corrupted flesh is to suffer excessively. Those who pursue the truth are different. The more they understand the truth, the more free and liberated they become; the more they practice the truth, the more they have peace and joy. When they obtain the truth, they will live completely in the light, enjoy God’s blessings, and have no pain at all” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Life Entry Begins With the Performance of Duty). “Some people speak infrequently because of poor caliber or simple-mindedness, a lack of complex thoughts, but when antichrists speak infrequently, it’s not for the same reason; it’s a problem of disposition. They rarely speak when meeting others and don’t readily express their views on matters. Why don’t they express their views? Firstly, they certainly lack the truth and can’t see through things. If they speak, they might make mistakes and be seen through themselves; they fear being looked down upon, so they pretend to be silent and feign profundity, making it hard for others to gauge them, appearing wise and distinguished. With this facade, people dare not underestimate the antichrist, and seeing their seemingly calm and composed exterior, they hold them in even higher regard and dare not slight them. This is the devious and wicked aspect of antichrists. They don’t readily express their views because most of their views are not in line with the truth, but are merely human notions and imaginings, not worthy of being brought out into the open. So, they remain silent. Inside they hope to obtain some light which they can release to gain admiration, but since they lack this, they stay quiet and hidden during fellowship of the truth, lurking in the shadows like a ghost waiting for an opportunity. When they find others speaking forth the light, they figure out ways to make it their own, expressing it in another manner to show off. This is how cunning antichrists are. No matter what they do, they strive to stand out and be superior, as only then do they feel pleased. If they don’t have the opportunity, they first lie low, and keep their views to themselves. This is the cunningness of antichrists. For example, when a sermon is issued by God’s house, some people say it seems like God’s words, and others think it seems more like a fellowship from the Above. Relatively simple-hearted people speak what’s on their mind, but antichrists, even if they have an opinion about this, keep it hidden. They observe and are prepared to follow the majority view, but in actuality they can’t thoroughly grasp it themselves. Can such slick and crafty people understand the truth or have real discernment? What can someone who doesn’t understand the truth see through? They can’t see through anything. Some people can’t see through things yet pretend to be profound; actually, they lack discernment and fear others will see through them. The correct attitude in such situations is: ‘We can’t see through this matter. Since we don’t know, we shouldn’t speak carelessly. Speaking incorrectly can have a negative impact. I will wait and see what the Above says.’ Isn’t that speaking honestly? It’s such simple language, and yet why don’t antichrists say it? They don’t want to be seen through, knowing their own limitations; but behind this there is also a despicable intention—to be admired. Isn’t this what’s most disgusting?” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Six). God’s words exposed my state and behavior. I was exactly as God described: I never readily expressed my views or revealed my true thoughts. When fellowshipping about God’s words during gatherings or discussing issues, I didn’t fellowship however much I understood, nor did I open up in a pure way and say whatever I thought. Instead, I was always afraid of saying something incorrect, not speaking well, or not getting to the point, and thus making others look down on me. I was always afraid of exposing my true stature, of others seeing through me and saying that I was nothing. Therefore, I always made sure that I spoke last, letting others fellowship first, or even remained silent throughout the entire gathering, always pretending to be reticent and profound in front of the brothers and sisters. When my deficiencies or problems were exposed, I felt extremely embarrassed and wasn’t in the mood to do my duties, experiencing extreme inner pain and torment. Now I understood that I was in so much pain because I protected my own face and status too much, as well as my image in people’s minds, and consequently always went to great lengths to disguise and conceal myself, not even daring to say a single heart-felt word. Just as God said, I was like a ghost, always hiding in dark corners, afraid to come into the light. I thought about how I had been a believer for a short time, and possessed average caliber, so not understanding many truths or seeing through many things was very normal. If I didn’t understand, I should just say so. This should have been a simple matter, but for me, it was very difficult. To avoid being seen through or looked down upon, and to protect my own face and status, I tried every means to conceal myself and dupe the brothers and sisters. I really was very deceitful! It was only through the exposure of God’s words that I recognized this was a wicked disposition after all. The more I compared myself to God’s words, the more I felt I was ugly and disgusting, lacking in any human likeness, and shameful. And so, I wanted to reverse this state and no longer live this way.

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “Regardless of what befalls you, if you want to tell the truth and be an honest person, you must be able to let go of your pride and vanity. When you don’t understand something, say that you don’t understand; when you are unclear about something, say you are unclear. Do not be afraid of others looking down on you or thinking less of you. By consistently speaking from the heart and telling the truth in this way, you will find joy, peace, and a sense of freedom and liberation in your heart, and vanity and pride will no longer constrain you. No matter who you interact with, if you can express what you truly think, open your heart to others, and not pretend to know things you don’t, then that is an honest attitude. Sometimes, people may look down on you and call you foolish because you always tell the truth. What should you do in such a situation? You should say, ‘Even if everyone calls me foolish, I resolve to be an honest person, and not a deceitful one. I will speak truthfully and according to the facts. Although I am filthy, corrupt, and worthless before God, I will still tell the truth without pretense or disguise.’ If you speak in this way, your heart will be steady and at peace. To be an honest person, you must let go of your vanity and pride, and in order to speak the truth and express your true feelings, you should not fear the ridicule and contempt of others. Even if others treat you like a fool, you should not argue or defend yourself. If you can practice the truth in this way, you can become an honest person” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only an Honest Person Can Live Out True Human Likeness). After reading God’s words, I had a path of practice. To free myself from the constraints and bondage of vanity and pride, I needed to practice being an honest person. I had to learn to let go of my pride and open up in a pure way. If I didn’t know something, I just had to say that I didn’t know; if I didn’t understand, I could just say so. Even if I was looked down upon for saying something wrong or admitting my lack of understanding, I’d have then practiced the truth and been an honest person once before God, which would make me feel at ease and liberated. This is more meaningful than gaining praise and admiration from others. When I thought this, I no longer had so many concerns, and I wanted to practice the truth and change myself. Later, whether it was in fellowshipping about God’s words during gatherings or discussing issues, whenever I wanted to put up a front or disguise myself, I would pray to God and consciously rebel against my wrong intentions. I would share as much as I understood, and if I didn’t understand, I would say so and reveal my true thoughts. As I practiced this way, I gradually began to feel more liberated in my heart.

Later, I wasn’t able to do my duties for six months because I was arrested by the Communist Party. After I was released, the leader arranged for me to continue to do a text-based duty. Since the brothers and sisters in the team were all new to training in text-based work, the leader suggested I temporarily take on the role of team leader. As it was a long time since I’d done this duty, I felt a bit rusty at writing scripts, and in the entire afternoon, I didn’t write much. As I was getting anxious, a sister asked me for help because she couldn’t see the issues clearly in her script. At that time, I couldn’t quiet my heart, and after reading the script, I couldn’t spot any problems. When she asked what issues there were, I stumbled and couldn’t answer, which immediately made me feel quite embarrassed. I thought, “I’m the team leader after all; I have to help solve the problems the team members can’t see clearly. Now that I can’t give a clear answer, will she say, ‘You’re the team leader—is this really the level you’re at?’” I felt really ashamed. That evening, as I looked at the script that I’d got stuck halfway through writing, I wanted the other sisters to take a look at it, but I worried they might say my level couldn’t be great if I’d made such a mess of this script. I felt very hesitant and, for a long time, didn’t dare to show it to the sisters. At that time, I realized my state wasn’t right—I was afraid of others seeing my shortcomings and was protecting my face and status. So, I prayed to God and consciously reversed this state. Then I showed the script to the sisters. With their fellowship and help, I gained a bit of a path for how to continue writing it.

Later, I realized that I was constantly being constrained by my pride. Sometimes, through prayer, I could reverse this state a bit, but my problem definitely wasn’t completely resolved. I thought, “Even though I knew that putting up a front and disguising myself was so painful and exhausting, why did I still often live in such a state?” In my seeking, I read a passage of God’s words: “What kind of disposition is it when people always put up a front, always whitewash themselves, always put on airs so that others think highly of them, and cannot see their faults or shortcomings, when they always try to present their best side to people? This is arrogance, fakery, hypocrisy, it is the disposition of Satan, it is something wicked. Take members of the satanic regime: No matter how much they fight, feud, or kill in the dark, no one is allowed to report or expose them. They are afraid that people will see their demonic face, and they do everything they can to cover it up. In public, they do their utmost to whitewash themselves, saying how much they love the people, how great, glorious and infallible they are. This is the nature of Satan. The most prominent feature of Satan’s nature is trickery and deception. And what is the aim of this trickery and deception? To hoodwink people, to stop them from seeing its essence and true colors, and thus achieve the aim of prolonging its rule. Ordinary people may lack such power and status, but they, too, wish to make others hold a favorable view of them, and for people to have a high estimation of them, and elevate them to a high status in their hearts. This is a corrupt disposition…. People are always disguising themselves, showing off in front of others, putting on appearances, putting up a front, and embellishing themselves to make others think they are perfect. Their aim in this is to gain status, so they can enjoy the benefits of status. If you don’t believe this, think it over carefully: Why do you always want to make people think highly of you? You want to make them worship you and look up to you, so you can eventually take power and enjoy the benefits of status” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). Through the exposure of God’s words, I saw that constantly putting up a front and disguising oneself is a manifestation of the arrogant, wicked, and deceitful dispositions of Satan. Under the domination of these satanic dispositions, I always wanted to make people think highly of me and to maintain my status and image in their minds. Even though I knew I didn’t understand many truth principles and had many deficiencies, I still didn’t want others to see my shortcomings and think I was no good. So, no matter whether it was fellowshipping about God’s words during gatherings or discussing issues, if it could make me feel embarrassed or ashamed, or damage my pride, I would go to great lengths to disguise and conceal myself, wrapping myself up tightly, hiding my bad side, and presenting my good side to others to build a good image of myself in their minds. I saw that I was so deeply corrupted by Satan, and arrogant to the point of lacking any reason. I was clearly an ordinary, corrupt person with nothing at all, impoverished and pitiful, yet I always wanted to put on appearances and gain admiration from others. I was truly shameless and lacked any self-awareness. I thought about how all corrupted people—whether they have status or not—want to make a name for themselves, to be praised and admired by others, and wish for everyone to worship them. The satanic regime of the Chinese Communist Party, in particular, has always spoken nice words while committing atrocious deeds. Outwardly, it pretends that everything is going well and promotes its “great, glorious, and correct” image, using false appearances to dupe and fool the global populace, but in secret it suppresses and persecutes religious beliefs, strips away human rights, and slaughters and brutally harms countless people. No matter how many bad things it has done or how many evil deeds it has carried out, it never dares to expose these things to the public and thus show people its wicked and ferocious true face. I realized that trickery and deception are the habitual tactics of Satan. I reflected on my own actions: I had shortcomings and problems, but I was unwilling to let others see them and speak negatively of me; I preferred to put up a front and disguise myself, even though it meant enduring inner torment; and whether in speech, fellowship, behavior, or conduct, I presented a false image to others, stopping them from seeing my truest side. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that I really was so fake, and just like Satan, I was full of trickery and deception, and utterly ugly and despicable. Before, I had always felt that allowing others to see my deficiencies and shortcomings was shameful, but I realized then that living by Satan’s arrogant, wicked, and deceitful dispositions, constantly disguising myself and duping others, and living without any human likeness, is actually what’s shameful and disgraceful. Not only does God detest and hate this, the brothers and sisters will also feel disgust and aversion toward it once they see through to it. If I did not repent, the only outcome would be being eliminated by God. When I thought this, I developed a bit of loathing for my corrupt dispositions and was no longer willing to live that way.

One day, the leader sent a message saying she would come to our team for a gathering the next day. I thought, “When the leader arrives, she will definitely ask how our states have been recently. What parts should I talk about? Recently, I’ve realized that I love status and want to become a supervisor, but it would be so embarrassing to say that! My understanding of the truth is shallow, and I haven’t had many real experiences, yet I still want to take on the role of a supervisor. If I talk about it, will the brothers and sisters say that I do not know my place in the universe and I’m overestimating myself?” The more I thought about it, the more embarrassing it seemed, and I didn’t have the courage to speak up, thinking, “Maybe I should just talk a bit about my experiences of positive entry. But the leader is coming to the gathering to help us resolve our wrong states and difficulties. If I don’t open up, then I’m not being an honest person, and my problems won’t get resolved.” My mind was churning. I worried that I would give the leader the impression that I was overly concerned with status and lacking in self-awareness, so I didn’t have the courage to speak up. During the gathering, after the other brothers and sisters had shared their states, the leader found some words of God and asked me to read them, and I happened to read a passage: “What kind of disposition is it when people always put up a front, always whitewash themselves, always put on airs so that others think highly of them, and cannot see their faults or shortcomings, when they always try to present their best side to people? This is arrogance, fakery, hypocrisy, it is the disposition of Satan, it is something wicked” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). Reading this passage of God’s words of judgment again, I felt a sense of self-reproach and unease. I still wanted to put up a front and disguise myself, hoping to leave a good impression on the leader—this was deceiving myself and others. From God’s words, I also understood that fakery and hypocrisy is something God detests. God has always required us to be honest people. An honest person can open up in a pure way, deceiving neither God nor people; this is what God likes. Thinking of this, I mustered up the courage to fellowship about my own state in light of God’s words. After fellowshipping, I felt a great sense of relief, and through the leader’s fellowship, I gained a clearer understanding of my own state and found a path of practice and entry. During that gathering, I simply fellowshipped as much as I understood and expressed whatever was in my heart. I clearly felt God’s guidance and also gained more understanding of some truths. I tasted the sweetness of practicing the truth.

Later, I read these words of God: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light. Learning how to be open when you fellowship is the first step to life entry. Next, you need to learn to dissect your thoughts and actions to see which are wrong and which God does not like, and you need to reverse them immediately and rectify them. What is the purpose of rectifying them? It is to accept and take on board the truth, while getting rid of the things within you that belong to Satan and replacing them with the truth. Before, you did everything according to your deceitful disposition which is lying and deceptive; you felt that you could get nothing done without lying. Now that you understand the truth, and loathe Satan’s ways of doing things, you no longer act that way, you act with a mentality of honesty, purity, and submission. If you hold nothing back, if you do not put on a front, a pretense, or cover things up, if you lay yourself bare to the brothers and sisters, do not hide your innermost ideas and thoughts, but instead allow others to see your honest attitude, then the truth will gradually take root in you, it will blossom and bear fruit, it will yield results, little-by-little. If your heart is increasingly honest, and increasingly oriented toward God, and if you know to protect the interests of God’s house when you perform your duty, and your conscience is troubled when you fail to protect these interests, then this is proof that the truth has had an effect in you, and has become your life” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words showed me the path of practice: learning to be open about my deficiencies and shortcomings, not disguising myself or putting up a front, not maintaining my vanity and pride, and practicing the truth and being an honest person. This is the first step in entering the truth. After that, I no longer used silence to conceal myself. If I encountered problems that I could not see clearly, I would say that I didn’t see clearly and didn’t know how to solve them, and I would actively ask other brothers and sisters about them. When fellowshipping together to discuss problems, I would share as much as I understood and say exactly what I thought, straightforwardly and without pretense. After practicing this way for a while, I found that opening up in a pure way without putting up a front and disguising myself was becoming increasingly easier, and I no longer felt it was shameful. Now, whether in gatherings, prayers, fellowships, or interacting with brothers and sisters, I no longer concern about my pride or image, nor am I as anxious, nervous, or distressed as I used to be. I feel that breaking free from my corrupt dispositions has made my life much lighter, more liberated, and simpler! Although I have only made a small change so far, I am willing to continue pursuing the truth and striving upward.