By Xia Ke, China

I’ve always been awkward with words since I was young, while my sister was eloquent and articulate, and the neighbors all liked her. So I was afraid to go out with her, and whenever I met people, I tried to find ways to avoid them. When classmates invited me to speak on stage at school, I felt that my language organization skills were poor and was afraid of making a fool of myself, so I outright refused. Whenever I saw others with better language expression skills than me, and handled tasks with decisiveness and boldness, I felt envious. I thought that I lacked eloquence and had poor caliber, which made me feel very inferior.

In August 2020, I believed in Almighty God. After that, I became a church leader. At first, I was able to resolve some real issues while attending gatherings with the brothers and sisters. Later, Brother Chen Yi and I began to work together on church work. During one gathering, we discussed how to cooperate for improved effectiveness in the gospel work. Listening to Brother Chen Yi fellowshipping the details very clearly and coherently, I felt envious, thinking that I couldn’t fellowship as well as Brother Chen Yi. After Brother Chen Yi’s fellowship, the upper leader said to me, “You should also share your fellowship.” I felt very nervous and thought, “My language organization skills are poor. How will they view me if my fellowship isn’t good? Maybe I should just skip it. But there is no excuse for not sharing.” So, I gave a brief fellowship. After I spoke, there was no response from the others, and the atmosphere was awkward. At that moment, I wished I could just disappear into a crack in the ground, and I wanted to leave that place as quickly as possible. After that, when I worked with Chen Yi, I saw how articulate and decisive he was in his work, so, I spoke less during our cooperation. Even when I did say something, I felt extremely constrained. I didn’t even dare to point out the deviations or problems I saw in our work, thinking that my caliber was too poor to offer good suggestions. Compared to Chen Yi, I felt I was too far behind and was simply incapable of doing a good job as a leader. Later, when I went to a group to implement the gospel work, I learned that some brothers and sisters were trapped in difficulties. I initially intended to fellowship with them to resolve their problems, but then I thought, “Chen Yi has previously been responsible for this group. I don’t have Chen Yi’s caliber or ability to fellowship, and I also lack the approach that Chen Yi has in his work. How will everyone view me if my fellowship doesn’t go well? Maybe I should not share.” When I thought about this, I didn’t fellowship. During that time, whenever I encountered problems, I would shrink back and didn’t fellowship when I should have, which led to some issues remaining unresolved for a long time. The gospel work was affected and the states of the brothers and sisters were not good. At that time, I determined that I was of poor caliber and incapable of doing the duty of a leader, and I complained in my heart about why God hadn’t given me good caliber. Later, the leaders fellowshipped with me to help, but I couldn’t accept it, and my state didn’t reverse. In the end, I was dismissed.

One day, I read a passage of God’s words, and only then did I have some understanding of my state. Almighty God says: “No matter what happens to them, when cowardly people meet with some difficulty, they shrink back. Why do they do this? One reason is that this is caused by their feeling of inferiority. Because they feel inferior, they do not dare to go before people, they cannot even take on the obligations and responsibilities they ought to take on, nor can they take on what they are actually capable of achieving within the scope of their own ability and caliber, and within the scope of the experience of their own humanity. This feeling of inferiority affects every aspect of their humanity, it affects their personality and, of course, it also affects their character. When around other people, they seldom express their own views, and you hardly ever hear them clarify their own standpoint or opinion. When they encounter an issue, they dare not speak, but instead constantly shrink back and retreat. When there are few people there, they feel brave enough to sit among them, but when there are a lot of people there, they look for a corner and head for where the lighting is dim, not daring to come among other people. Whenever they feel they would like to positively and actively say something and express their own views and opinions to show that what they think is right, they do not even have the courage to do that. Whenever they have such ideas, their feeling of inferiority comes pouring out all at once, and it controls them, stifles them, telling them, ‘Don’t say anything, you’re no good. Don’t express your views, just keep your ideas to yourself. If there is anything in your heart you really want to say, just make a note of it on the computer and ruminate on it by yourself. You must not let anyone else know about it. What if you said something wrong? It would be so embarrassing!’ This voice keeps telling you not to do this, not to do that, not to say this, not to say that, causing you to swallow back down every word you wish to say. When there is something you want to say that you have turned over in your heart for a long time, you beat a retreat and dare not say it, or else you feel embarrassed to say it, believing that you ought not to do it, and if you do it then you feel as though you have broken some rule or violated the law. And when one day you do actively express your own view, deep inside you feel incomparably perturbed and uneasy. Even though this feeling of great unease gradually fades, your feeling of inferiority slowly smothers the ideas, intentions and plans you have for wanting to speak, wanting to express your own views, wanting to be a normal person, and wanting to be just like everyone else. Those who don’t understand you believe you are a person of few words, quiet, shy of character, someone who does not like to stand out from the crowd. When you speak in front of lots of other people, you feel embarrassed and your face turns red; you are somewhat introverted, and only you, in actuality, know that you feel inferior” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). From God’s words, I understood that when people are trapped in feelings of inferiority, they become negative and dejected, lacking the resolve to strive upward. They become weak and shy away from everything they do, even failing to fulfill the responsibilities and obligations that they ought to fulfill. They see problems and deviations and want to express their opinions or offer suggestions, but lack the courage, determining themselves to be incapable while wallowing in despondency. This was exactly my state. From a young age, I had seen my sister being articulate and efficient in everything she did, while I was clumsy and tongue-tied. I had felt very inferior and often chose to avoid situations, fearing that my shortcomings would be exposed, causing me to lose face. After I came to believe in God, when doing my duty alongside those who were articulate and decisive in their work, I had become very passive. I’d determined that I was of poor caliber and incapable of undertaking the work, and had lived with feelings of inferiority. I hadn’t dared to fellowship when I should have, and often swallowed the opinions that I should have expressed just as I was about to share them. Reflecting on my time working with Chen Yi, when discussing how to cooperate in gospel work, I’d originally had some ideas, but seeing how articulate he was, I had felt inadequate and didn’t want to share. I had been able to identify some issues in the work and wanted to bring them up, but thinking that my speaking skills weren’t as good as his, after some deliberation, I’d ended up not expressing my views. When I had gone to the church to implement the work and had noticed problems, I hadn’t fellowshipped to resolve them, resulting in no progress being made in the work. I had been constantly living with feelings of inferiority, and my state had been getting worse and worse. I hadn’t been able to fulfill the duties I should have and felt utterly useless. Not only had my own life suffered, but my duty had also been delayed. Realizing the severity of the problem, I wanted to quickly reverse this state.

During a devotional, I realized that the reason why I’d felt I was of poor caliber was that I’d been influenced by others’ opinions about my lack of speaking skills, and it was caused by my failure to view things based on God’s words. How, then, should one measure whether their caliber is good or bad? I searched for God’s words on this aspect. Almighty God says: “So, how can you accurately evaluate and know yourself, and break away from the feeling of inferiority? You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have. For example, suppose that you used to like singing and did it well, but some people kept criticizing you and belittling you, saying that you were tone-deaf and that your singing was out of tune, so now you feel that you cannot sing well and no longer dare to do it in front of others. Because those worldly folks, those muddleheaded people and mediocre people, made inaccurate evaluations and judgments about you, the rights that your humanity deserves were curtailed, and your talent was stifled. As a result, you do not dare to even sing a song, and you are only brave enough to let go and sing out loud when no one is around or you are just by yourself. Because you ordinarily feel so horribly repressed, when you are not alone you dare not sing a song; you dare to sing only when you are alone, enjoying the time when you can sing out loud and clear, and what a wonderful, liberating time that is! Is that not so? Because of the harm that people have done to you, you do not know or cannot see clearly what it is that you can actually do, what you are good at, and what you are not good at. In this kind of situation, you must make a correct evaluation and take the correct measure of yourself according to God’s words. You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad. If you cannot understand or gain clear knowledge of your own problems, then ask the people around you with understanding to make an appraisal of you. Regardless of whether what they say is accurate, it will at least give you something to reference and consider and will enable you to have a basic judgment or characterization of yourself. You can then solve the essential problem of negative emotions like inferiority, and gradually emerge from them. Such feelings of inferiority are easy to resolve if one can discern them, awaken to them, and seek the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). “How do we measure people’s caliber? The appropriate way to do this is by looking at their attitude toward the truth and whether or not they can comprehend the truth. Some people can learn some specializations very quickly, but when they hear the truth, they become confused and they doze off. In their hearts, they become muddled, nothing they hear goes in, nor do they understand what they are hearing—that is what poor caliber is. With some people, when you tell them they are of poor caliber, they disagree. They think that being highly educated and knowledgeable means they are of good caliber. Does a good education demonstrate high caliber? It does not. How should people’s caliber be measured? It should be measured based on the degree to which they comprehend God’s words and the truth. This is the most accurate way of doing it. Some people are silver-tongued, quick-witted, and especially skilled at handling other people—but when they listen to sermons, they are never able to understand anything, and when they read God’s words, they do not comprehend them. When they talk about their experiential testimony, they always speak words and doctrines, revealing themselves to be mere amateurs, and giving others the sense that they have no spiritual understanding. These are people of poor caliber” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). From God’s words, I saw that measuring a person’s caliber primarily depends on whether they can comprehend the truth, whether they can know themselves and understand God’s intentions through His words, and whether, when faced with real-life situations, they can find paths of practice based on God’s words. People with good caliber, after hearing God’s words, can grasp the principles and key points, rather than just comprehending some words or regulations. They have their own views, opinions, and solutions for the situations they encounter, and can accurately practice according to God’s words, without deviation. But I had believed that people with good caliber were those who were articulate and decisive in their work. Since I had felt that my ability to express myself was poor and that my work lacked decisiveness, I’d regarded myself as being of low caliber and had remained trapped in a state of feeling inferior and negative, determining myself to be incapable. Only now did I realize that my views on these matters had been incorrect. I thought about Paul, who had gifts and eloquence, and preached the gospel across much of Europe, and wrote many epistles, but lacked the ability to comprehend the truth. He had no understanding of the Lord Jesus and lacked a true knowledge of his own corrupt disposition. He only knew to speak many spiritual doctrines, and even shamelessly testified that to him to live was christ, and was ultimately eliminated by God. This shows that he was not a person of good caliber. My assessment of my own caliber hadn’t been based on truth principles, but on my own notions and imaginings, so it was inaccurate. Now, looking back, I was able to comprehend God’s words and reflect on and understand myself in light of them. I could also recognize some of the issues in the work and the states of the brothers and sisters, know how to fellowship to resolve these issues, and I could also find some paths of practice in God’s words. Although my work capability was somewhat lacking and my speaking skills weren’t that good, when I cooperated attentively and played my part to the full, I was able to achieve some results in doing my duty. Brothers and sisters also assessed that my caliber was average, but that I could comprehend God’s words. They observed that when faced with situations, I paid attention to self-reflection and learning lessons, and had some discernment. Additionally, when assigned a task, I was diligent and cooperative, and was able to achieve some results. Reflecting on this, I was able to view myself correctly. I had been bound and constrained by feelings of inferiority, unable to correctly view my shortcomings. I had blindly determined that I was of poor caliber and incapable of undertaking the work, and living in that state, I had failed to play the role that I should have played, and in performing my duty I had been unable to make a difference, like a waste of space. Not only had I not regretted the losses I’d brought to my duty, but instead I had complained that God hadn’t given me good caliber. I’d approached my duty with negativity and slackness. I had been truly rebellious! In fact, the caliber God gave me was sufficient. I could no longer live in a state of inferiority. I needed to repent to God, focus on seeking principles in my duty, and work harmoniously with my brothers and sisters. When it was necessary to share my views, I should share as much as I understood. I needed to bring forth what God had given me. Even if my sharing had shortcomings, I could summarize the issues afterward. I must not be negative or slack off, causing God to be disappointed. Afterward, the church arranged for me to assist the leaders in the church’s cleansing work. Although I had many shortcomings, I was no longer constrained by my poor caliber.

Later, I reflected on why I felt inferior when I saw others with better eloquence and work capability than me. What corrupt dispositions were involved in this? One day, I read these words of God: “For antichrists, reputation and status are their life, and their lifelong goal. In all they do, their first consideration is: ‘What will happen to my status? And to my reputation? Will doing this give me a good reputation? Will it elevate my status in people’s minds?’ That is the first thing they think about, which is ample proof that they have the disposition and essence of antichrists; that is why they consider things this way. It can be said that for antichrists, reputation and status are not some additional requirement, much less things which are external to them that they could do without. They are part of the nature of antichrists, they are in their bones, in their blood, they are innate to them. Antichrists are not indifferent toward whether they possess reputation and status; this is not their attitude. Then, what is their attitude? Reputation and status are intimately connected to their daily lives, to their daily state, to what they pursue on a daily basis. And so for antichrists, status and reputation are their life. No matter how they live, no matter what environment they live in, no matter what work they do, no matter what they pursue, what their goals are, what their life’s direction is, it all revolves around having a good reputation and a high status. And this aim does not change; they can never put aside such things. This is the true face of antichrists, and their essence” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). From God’s words, I understood that antichrists particularly cherish their own reputation and status. Their daily states of living and pursuits are all related to reputation and status. No matter when or where, they never give up on pursuing reputation and status. I reflected on how I had been the same. Since taking on my duty, whenever I had seen others working with decisiveness and skillfully fellowshipping, I had felt inferior to them. So I’d lived with feelings of inferiority, delimiting myself negatively. I had been afraid of exposing my inadequacies and losing face, and I had lacked any proactive attitude in my cooperation of duties. I had been living by the satanic poisons of “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies” and “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” being particularly concerned with others’ opinions. When working with Chen Yi, seeing that he was better than me in every way, I had feared being looked down upon. During gatherings, I had tried to fellowship as little as possible, or not at all. Even when I had noticed deviations or issues in the work that needed timely resolution, I had avoided fellowshipping about them, fearing that my fellowshipping would not be as good as Chen Yi’s and would make me look bad. As a church leader, I had only been concerned with whether my own pride would be damaged, rather than focusing on the church’s work itself. Upon discovering problems, I had set them aside and not addressed them promptly, which had led to delays in the work. I had been truly selfish! God had elevated me to do the duty of a leader so that I could pursue the truth, play my part to the full and uphold the church’s work. However, instead of pondering how to fulfill my responsibilities as a leader, I had been preoccupied with how to avoid embarrassment in every situation. Whenever my pride was at risk, I would become negative and delimit myself negatively, complaining that God had not given me good caliber. I’d even lost the motivation to do my duties. I saw how lacking in conscience and reason I had been. In fact, the poor results I had in doing my duties before were not entirely due to the issue of caliber. The main issue was that I had been living under a corrupt disposition, constantly protecting my own reputation and status. I would protect my pride even if it meant delaying the church’s work. I had no God-fearing heart at all, treating my reputation and status as if they were my life. I had been walking the path of antichrists. If I didn’t repent and change, I would surely be abhorred and eliminated by God.

I read another passage of God’s words and found a path of practice. Almighty God says: “Do not always do things for your own sake and do not constantly consider your own interests; do not consider the interests of man, and give no thought to your own pride, reputation, and status. You must first consider the interests of God’s house, and make them your priority. You should be considerate of God’s intentions and begin by contemplating whether or not there have been impurities in the performance of your duty, whether you have been loyal, fulfilled your responsibilities, and given it your all, as well as whether or not you have been wholeheartedly thinking about your duty and the work of the church. You must consider these things. If you think about them frequently and figure them out, it will be easier for you to perform your duty well. If you are of poor caliber, if your experience is shallow, or if you are not proficient in your professional work, then there may be some mistakes or deficiencies in your work, and you may not get good results—but you will have done your best. You do not satisfy your own selfish desires or preferences. Instead, you give constant consideration to the work of the church and the interests of the house of God. Though you may not achieve good results in your duty, your heart will have been set straight; if, on top of this, you can seek the truth to solve the problems in your duty, you will be up to standard in the performance of your duty, and, at the same time, you will be able to enter into the truth reality. This is what it means to possess testimony” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). From God’s words, I understood that in doing our duty, we must do everything before God and accept His scrutiny. When things arise, we should prioritize safeguarding the work of the church, set aside our own pride, and do our utmost to fulfill what we ought to do. Only then will we be in line with God’s intentions. When I worked with brothers and sisters who were eloquent and decisive in their work, I should cooperate with them harmoniously, learn from their strengths to compensate for my weaknesses, and work together to do our duties well. Realizing this, I felt brightened in my heart. Afterward, in doing my duty, I focused on setting my intentions right. I fellowshipped as much as I understood, no longer constrained by concerns about my pride or limited caliber, and the church’s cleansing work gradually began to improve. Not long after, I was once again elected as a church leader.

After some time, the upper leader and I went to hold a meeting with the team leaders, and she asked me to preside over it. I thought about how the leader was eloquent, decisive, and able to quickly find appropriate words of God to resolve the brothers’ and sisters’ states, while I struggled with this. My language skills were weak, and I was not a good speaker, so I worried about how others would view me if I didn’t handle the meeting well. I quickly realized that I was once again caught up in feelings of inferiority, worrying about my pride. So I prayed to God, “God, I see that I’ve fallen into feelings of inferiority again because others are more eloquent than I am. May You guide me. I don’t want to be constrained by vanity and pride. I am willing to focus my heart on my duty and do my best to cooperate.” After praying, I thought of God’s words: “The functions are not the same. There is one body. Each does his duty, each in his place and doing his very best—for each spark there is one flash of light—and seeking maturity in life. Thus will I be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 21). God has given each person different gifts and strengths. Although I don’t have good caliber, when I sincerely cooperate with God, I can receive His guidance. Today, as I worked alongside the leader, I should learn from her strengths, and not be constrained by my pride or status. I should exert my utmost effort to bring forth my part according to what I understand, and in this way, I could do my duty well. Realizing this, I was no longer constrained by my pride, and I felt much more liberated. I found a passage of God’s words that particularly suited the team leaders’ state, and I shared my own experiential understanding. The team leaders’ negative state was turned around. After that, during gatherings, I shared as much as I understood, not worrying about how others viewed me but actively participating. I could correctly treat my own deficiencies and not delimit myself. Now, my being free from the bondage of feelings of inferiority is the result of the guidance of God’s words.