By Kaoshen, China

At the end of 2016, I cooperated with Sister Yi Xin in church work. After some time working together, I found that Yi Xin had good caliber and comprehended God’s words quickly. She was able to grasp the key points in fellowshipping the truth and solve some difficulties of the brothers and sisters. I thought, “I’ve believed in God for a short time and don’t understand much truth, so with Yi Xin cooperating with me, the church work will definitely be done well.” I was very happy, full of determination and enthusiasm. Whenever I didn’t understand something, I would ask Yi Xin. She would take the lead in the work and I never objected because I felt that she was better than me.

After a while, I heard brothers and sisters say that Yi Xin had good caliber, could see through things and solve their problems, and that her fellowship was really enlightening. At first, I was able to treat this correctly, but hearing these things often, I began to feel a bit embarrassed and upset, thinking, “We’re both leaders and we do our work together. With brothers and sisters all praising her, don’t I seem incompetent?” I would agree with the brothers and sisters verbally, saying, “Yes, Yi Xin’s caliber is good,” but inwardly I couldn’t take it, thinking, “I also hold lots of gatherings for the brothers and sisters, and I’m also able to solve some of their problems and difficulties. Why doesn’t anyone praise me? Am I really that inferior to Yi Xin? This won’t do. I’ve got to read more of God’s words to fellowship more clearly in gatherings, and I’ve got to strive to catch up with Yi Xin, so that the brothers and sisters see that I’m not inferior to her!” After that, I started to work hard, going to gatherings by day and reading and equipping myself with God’s words by night. I would note down any passages of God’s words that could resolve certain states so I could quickly find them when solving problems. When the upper leaders gathered with us, I would consult them on anything I didn’t understand because I wanted to understand more, be better equipped, and surpass Yi Xin.

One time, during a team leaders’ gathering, Yi Xin had something to attend to and had me head over first. I was quite happy, because before, Yi Xin had always come with me and taken the lead in every gathering, but today, it was finally my turn to fellowship with the brothers and sisters by myself. I had to use this opportunity to perform well and prove that my caliber wasn’t so inferior to Yi Xin’s. During the gathering, I started by understanding each team leader’s recent state and the difficulties they were having in their duties. I listened carefully when a sister spoke, and my mind worked quickly, thinking hard about which passages of God’s words could be found to address her state. I thought, “I absolutely cannot mess this up. If I can’t solve this problem, I’ll be in Yi Xin’s shadow forever. That would be so embarrassing and humiliating!” After the sister finished describing her state, I found the relevant passages from God’s words, and fellowshipped while watching her reactions. Seeing the sister nodding in agreement, I felt a sudden sense of satisfaction and thought I was doing well. But just as I was getting into the fellowship, Yi Xin came, having finished her task. All the brothers and sisters, who had been looking at me, turned their attention to Yi Xin. I sensed from the looks in their eyes that they were all waiting in anticipation for Yi Xin. I felt a bit disappointed. After that, Yi Xin started to find and fellowship God’s words regarding the team leader’s issues. Yi Xin’s fellowship was indeed quite clear and I was very jealous. I thought, “You came and took the lead and stole my thunder. No way. I can’t just sit back and let you hog the limelight. I need to find a chance to fellowship.” I racked my brains, thinking about which passages of God’s words to use and how to fellowship more clearly than Yi Xin. Because I was so eager to show off, when Yi Xin paused for a moment, I jumped in to take over the conversation with the team leader, saying, “Sister, I’ve also found a passage of God’s words regarding your state, let’s fellowship on it.” I then started reading, but as I read on, I found that the passage I’d selected didn’t quite fit the sister’s state. My brain began to buzz, and I thought, “Oh no, have I messed this up? I was hoping to be admired by the brothers and sisters, but doesn’t making such a basic mistake prove I’m incapable? This is so humiliating!” I felt extremely awkward and embarrassed, my face burned, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground. Yi Xin continued with her fellowship, and the brothers and sisters listened attentively. I felt like I’d been cast aside, in a great deal of pain and discomfort, as if I were sitting on pins and needles. Resentment began to swell up within me, and I thought, “What role am I playing? Am I just here to compliment Yi Xin? It’s just because Yi Xin is here that I seem so lacking! My humiliation today is all because of her. If she weren’t here, would I have been so anxious that I couldn’t find suitable passages of God’s words? Would I have been humiliated like this?” I felt like a clown sitting there, just wanting to leave immediately. After finally getting through the gathering, I went home and lay in bed, but when I thought about what had happened at the gathering, my heart roiled in a storm of distress, and I felt really upset and frustrated. I thought about all the effort I’d put into improving my problem-solving skills lately, how I’d been attending gatherings by day, equipping myself with God’s words by night, and staying up until midnight, but no matter how hard I tried, I still fell short of Yi Xin. Thinking about this, I started to resent Yi Xin and didn’t want to cooperate with her in gatherings anymore. I didn’t even want to see her. The next day, when Yi Xin and I went to the gathering, I sulked and kept silent, thinking, “I can’t compete with her, so I’ll shut my mouth and listen!” But if I didn’t compete, I still felt upset, frustrated, and angry. My mind went blank when I tried to fellowship, and I didn’t know what to say. So I started to complain, thinking, “Why has God given her such good caliber? Why has He given me such poor caliber and arranged for us to do our duties together? With her around, it’s like I’m not even here.” I hoped that one day soon we would be separated. I spoke less in the next few gatherings, and participated less in work discussions. My state kept worsening, and I felt increasingly pained and repressed. I prayed to God, “God! I’m constantly jealous of Yi Xin, and always comparing myself to her. Living in this state is so painful. God! May You enlighten me and guide me to understand my corrupt disposition.”

Afterward, I read a passage of God’s words: “When it comes to anything that involves reputation, status, or an opportunity to shine—when you hear that the house of God plans to nurture various kinds of talented individuals, for example—every one of your hearts leaps in anticipation, each of you always wants to make a name for yourself and to step into the spotlight. You all want to fight for status and reputation. You are ashamed of this, but you would feel bad if you don’t do so. You feel envy, hatred, and make complaints whenever you see someone stand out, and think that it is unfair: ‘Why can’t I stand out? Why do other people always get the spotlight? Why is it never my turn?’ And after you feel resentment, you try to repress it, but you cannot. You pray to God and feel better for a while, but when you encounter this sort of situation again, you still cannot overcome it. Is this not a manifestation of an immature stature? When people are caught in such states, have they not fallen into Satan’s trap? These are the shackles of Satan’s corrupt nature that bind humans” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God’s words exposed my exact state. I saw that when the brothers and sisters all looked up to Yi Xin, I felt like I seemed inadequate, my jealousy surfaced, and I began to compete with her. To make everyone admire me, I’d get up early and go to bed late to read God’s words and equip myself with truths, wanting to prove that I wasn’t inferior to Yi Xin. At the gathering of team leaders, when Yi Xin arrived, the brothers and sisters turned their attention to her, and her fellowship was quite good. I felt jealous and unwilling to accept it, and racked my brain to find more suitable passages of God’s words to fellowship. But the passages I found didn’t fit the team leader’s state at all. I felt humiliated and vented my resentment on Yi Xin, thinking that so long as she was there, I wouldn’t stand out, and so I was unwilling to cooperate with her. I was too concerned with my reputation and status. Whenever something involved pride or status, I couldn’t help but want to compete, and if I failed, I’d feel resentment, hatred, and prejudice toward her, thinking that it was all her fault. I was such a petty, despicable, and wretched person. I thought of Zhou Yu from The Romance of the Three Kingdoms, who was so jealous of Zhuge Liang’s talents that he died at a young age from his anger. I also spent my days angry and resentful due to my jealousy of Yi Xin, living in darkness and pain, and even failing to fulfill my duties. Wasn’t this just going to get me revealed and eliminated faster? In reality, Yi Xin was able to comprehend matters quickly, fellowship the truth with illumination, and solve the difficulties of the brothers and sisters. This was beneficial to both the church work and the brothers and sisters, and also made up for my shortcomings. This was a good thing. However, I was jealous of my sister’s talents and couldn’t stand seeing her surpass me. I only thought about competing with my sister for fame, gain, and rank, and if I couldn’t win, I’d become negative and slack off, venting my frustration on my duty. I’d been truly selfish! I silently prayed to God, “God, I no longer want to live in this state of jealousy, living like this is too painful and repressive! I am willing to repent and seek the truth to resolve this corrupt disposition, please guide me.”

In my seeking, I recalled some of God’s words: “For many years, the thoughts that people have relied upon for their survival have been corroding their hearts to the point that they have become treacherous, cowardly, and despicable. Not only do they lack willpower and resolve, but they have also become greedy, arrogant, and willful. They are utterly lacking any resolve that transcends the self, and even more, they don’t have a bit of courage to shake off the strictures of these dark influences. People’s thoughts and lives are so rotten that their perspectives on believing in God are still unbearably hideous, and even when people speak of their perspectives on belief in God it is simply unbearable to hear. People are all cowardly, incompetent, despicable, and fragile. They do not feel disgust for the forces of darkness, and they do not feel love for the light and the truth; instead, they do their utmost to expel them” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Why Are You Unwilling to Be a Foil?). “Satan uses fame and gain to control man’s thoughts, until all people can think of is fame and gain. They struggle for fame and gain, suffer hardships for fame and gain, endure humiliation for fame and gain, sacrifice everything they have for fame and gain, and they will make any judgment or decision for the sake of fame and gain. In this way, Satan binds people with invisible shackles, and they have neither the strength nor the courage to throw them off. They unknowingly bear these shackles and trudge ever onward with great difficulty. For the sake of this fame and gain, mankind shuns God and betrays Him and becomes increasingly wicked. In this way, therefore, one generation after another is destroyed in the midst of Satan’s fame and gain” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). Pondering over God’s words, I understood that the pain I had been living in had been caused by Satan’s corruption and harm. I reflected on how I had been influenced by society and taught by my family from a young age, living by satanic poisons like “In all the universe, only I reign supreme,” “There can only be one alpha male,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” I had been extremely selfish, despicable, arrogant, and conceited. If anyone surpassed me or threatened my reputation or status, I felt upset, and became jealous, and hateful, I would feel extremely repressed and an unbearable pain. I remember a classmate who was close to me and better at studying than I was. When I saw other classmates flocking around her and asking her questions, I felt neglected and became jealous of her, and wanted to surpass her. Later, when I couldn’t catch up with her through my efforts in studying, I stopped being friends with her, and our relationship fell apart. After getting married, when I saw that my neighbors earned more and lived better, I felt jealous and worked hard to earn more money, but ultimately, I still couldn’t compete, and stopped wanting to interact with them anymore. Even after coming to believe in God, I continued to live by these poisons. When I saw that Yi Xin’s caliber and comprehension were better than mine, I felt jealous, and strove to surpass her, and when I couldn’t, I felt an unbearable discomfort and didn’t want to see her, and even complained to God for giving me such poor caliber, venting my frustration on my duties and not participating in church work. I saw that I was being unreasonable and had no humanity at all. Reputation and status had bound me in unbearable suffering, not only inflicting pain on me, but also harming others. My life entry was also impaired, and I lost many opportunities to gain the truth. I realized that pursuing fame, gain, and status wasn’t the right path, and that continuing to pursue these things would only lead me farther from God and ultimately to be eliminated by Him. Recognizing this, I became willing to change and no longer pursue reputation or status.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “The functions are not the same. There is one body. Each does his duty, each in his place and doing his very best—for each spark there is one flash of light—and seeking maturity in life. Thus will I be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 21). “You must achieve harmonious cooperation for the purpose of the work of God, for the benefit of the church, and so as to spur your brothers and sisters onward. You should coordinate with one another, each amending the other and arriving at a better work outcome, so as to show consideration for God’s intentions. This is what true cooperation is, and only those who engage in it will gain true entry. While cooperating, some of the words you speak may be unsuitable, but that does not matter. Fellowship about it later, and gain a clear understanding of it; do not neglect it. After this sort of fellowship, you can make up for your brothers’ or sisters’ deficiencies. Only by moving ever deeper in your work like this can you achieve better outcomes. Each of you, as people who serve God, must be able to defend the interests of the church in everything you do, instead of simply considering your own interests. It is unacceptable to act alone, undermining each other. People who behave like that are not fit to serve God!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Serve As the Israelites Did). After reading God’s words, I understood that God gives each person different caliber and has different requirements for them. Regardless of whether a person’s caliber is good or bad, so long as they do their duties with the right intentions, seek the truth, act according to principles, and do their best, God will approve. God had given me this caliber, which was His predestination and sovereignty, so I had to submit, make the most of what I could achieve, and do my duties well. I thought about how I’d been believing in God for only a short time and about how my life entry was shallow, that I couldn’t do the work well on my own. Yi Xin’s fellowship of the truth was clearer, and her strengths made up for my shortcomings. Cooperating enabled us to do the work well—wasn’t that a good thing? I had to let go of my jealousy, cooperate properly with my sister, and ask her more about things I didn’t understand, so that I could grow quickly. Realizing this, I stopped complaining about my poor caliber, and became willing to submit and do my part. Before long, it was time for another gathering, and I opened up about the corruption I had revealed to Yi Xin and I apologized to her. Yi Xin also opened up and fellowshipped with me, and I felt a great sense of liberation in my heart from this gathering. It was through the enlightenment and guidance of God’s words that I gained some understanding toward and change in my corrupt disposition. Thank God for His salvation!