By Xia Yu, China

In March 2023, I found that I often felt thirsty, had dry mouth, and that my vision was declining. Sometimes, it would just be a short journey of ten minutes to the gathering, but when I’d arrive at the host home, I’d have to quickly find water to drink. A sister reminded me to check my blood sugar. When she mentioned this, I remembered that I’d had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant, and that after giving birth, my blood sugar was still high, so the doctor had prescribed some medication for me. Back then, I thought that this minor illness wasn’t a big deal because I was young, and that I could control it by just avoiding sugar, and so after that incident, I never checked again. After the sister made this suggestion to me, I went home and measured my blood sugar, and for two consecutive days, my blood sugar was over 15 mmol/L. I felt heavy-hearted and became certain that I had diabetes. I thought about how my mother had passed away at forty-two, and that she was also often thirsty, which led me to suspect that I had hereditary diabetes, and I couldn’t help but fear that I would die early like my mother. I felt suffocated by this illness, thinking, “Diabetes isn’t like a cold, once you have it, it’s with you for life!” During that time, the first thing I’d do when I got home from my duties was to search the internet for remedies, thinking about how to lower my blood sugar. One time, while browsing a website, I saw a doctor mention that the complications of diabetes were very serious, and that they could lead to blindness and, in severe cases, amputations. I felt very distressed, thinking, “I’m only in my thirties, how could I get this disease? If it keeps getting worse and I become blind and have to have limbs amputated I’d be utterly useless. Wouldn’t that be worse than death? I’m still so young, what am I going to do in the future? Poor long-term control of my blood sugar could endanger my life!” I was living in a state of panic and anxiety, often thinking about what might arise if my illness broke out and how much longer I’d be able to live. I felt that my illness was truly severe, and that suffering more while doing my duties would only damage my body. Without good health, what good would it do to suffer and pay a price in my duties? In the end, I would still face death, and then all my pursuits would be meaningless!

A few days later, an outbreak of influenza A occurred, and my three children caught colds and had fevers. I had to take my children for their shots every day, and then head out to do my duties. I spent my days rushing around, and I felt very tired. I’d think to myself, “Could this be because of my illness? I can’t keep exhausting myself, otherwise, my body won’t hold out!” I also thought, “Not long after I found God, I was already expending myself and paying a price. Why hasn’t God protected me and healed this illness?” I complained in my heart, and I lost my motivation to do my duties. At that time, I was a leader in the church, and although I appeared to be doing my duties, I was always absent-minded during gatherings and my thoughts were always on how to treat my illness. I neglected to notice, let alone address issues in the church work. I was just going through the motions in my duties, and I felt somewhat guilty, but I comforted myself, “Some people do their duties without being as busy as me, and aren’t they doing fine? I can’t have my illness worsen just because of how busy I am. Without good health, everything is lost, and if I die, I won’t be saved. I need to take care of my health.” A few days later, my children gradually recovered from their illnesses. But I started running a fever, and the medicine didn’t seem to help. I was coughing so much that my chest hurt and felt tight, and I didn’t have the energy to attend gatherings, so I just rested at home. Suddenly, I felt that it was too exhausting to both do my duties and take care of the family, so the thought of not wanting to do my duties crossed my mind. I also complained to myself, “Why do I have to suffer from this illness at such a young age? I’m so active in my faith and duties. Why hasn’t God protected me from this illness?” A few days later, I recovered from my cold but still didn’t go out to do my duties. I thought, “If I don’t do my duties, others will. I need to take care of my health for now. Now that I’ve got this illness, I’m scared of tiring myself out and making it worse. I can’t keep working so hard.” At that time, I didn’t want to read God’s words, and I just spent my days thinking about how to treat my illness. I spent my days lost in my thoughts, trapped in darkness, suffering and tormented.

One day, Sister Zhao Jing came to find me. She said that the upper leadership had sent letters to arrange a gathering to discuss work implementation, and that they’d tried to find me on two occasions but hadn’t been able to get hold of me. Some tasks hadn’t been carried out, and some matters had been delayed. I felt a bit guilty. I thought about how I had been staying at home all these days, not attending gatherings or doing my duties, and I couldn’t help but ask myself, “How did I become like this? How could I have become so lacking in conscience and reason?” I talked to Zhao Jing about my state, and she reminded me to seek God’s intentions more on this matter. So I began to seek and think to myself, “What lesson should I learn from this illness?” I read a passage of God’s words: “If illness befalls you, and no matter how much doctrine you understand you’re still unable to overcome it, your heart will still become distressed, anxious, and worried, and not only will you be unable to face the matter calmly, but your heart will also be filled with complaints. You will be constantly wondering, ‘Why isn’t anyone else sick with this disease? Why make me get this disease? How did this happen to me? It’s because I’m unlucky and I have a bad fate. I’ve never offended anyone, nor have I committed any sin, so why has this happened to me? God is treating me so unfairly!’ You see, besides distress, anxiety, and worry, you fall into depression as well, with one negative emotion following another and without any way to escape them no matter how much you might want to. Because it is a real illness, it is not easily taken from you or cured, so what should you do? You want to submit but you can’t, and if you submit one day, the next day your condition worsens and it hurts so much, and then you don’t want to submit anymore, and you start complaining again. You go back and forth like this all the time, so what should you do? Let Me tell you the secret of success. Whether you encounter a major illness or a minor one, the moment your illness gets serious or you’re facing death, just remember one thing: Do not fear death. Even if you’re in the final stages of cancer, even if the death rate for your particular illness is very high, do not fear death. Regardless of how great your suffering is, if you fear death then you will not submit. Some people say, ‘Hearing You say this, I feel inspired and have an even better idea. Not only will I not fear death, but I’ll beg for it. Won’t that make it easier to get through?’ Why beg for death? Begging for death is an extreme idea, whereas not fearing death is a reasonable attitude to adopt. Isn’t that right? (Right.) What is the right attitude you should adopt to not fear death? If your illness gets so serious that you may die, and the death rate for it is high regardless of how old the person is who contracts the illness, and the time from when people contract the illness to when they die is very short, what should you think in your heart? ‘I must not fear death, everyone dies in the end. Submitting to God, however, is something most people can’t do, and I can use this illness to practice submitting to God. I should have the thinking and the attitude of submitting to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and I must not fear death.’ Dying is easy, much easier than living. You can be in extreme pain and you won’t be aware of it, and as soon as your eyes close, your breath ceases, your soul leaves the body, and your life ends. This is how death goes; it is this simple. Not fearing death is one attitude to adopt. Besides this, you mustn’t worry about whether your illness will get worse or not, or whether you will die if you cannot be cured, or how long it will be until you die, or what pain you will be in when it comes time to die. You mustn’t worry about these things; these are not things you should be worrying about. This is because the day must come, and it must come in some year, some month, and on some particular day. You cannot hide from it and you cannot escape it—it is your fate. Your so-called fate has been predestined by God and already arranged by Him. The span of your years and the age and time at which you die are already set by God, so what are you worried about? You can worry about it but that won’t change anything; you can worry about it, but you cannot prevent it from happening; you can worry about it, but you cannot stop that day from arriving. Therefore, your worry is superfluous, and all it does is make the burden of your illness even heavier” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, I understood that it is futile to be afraid of death and worry when facing illness. I had to learn to submit to God’s sovereignty in this matter. God has ordained when people will die, and no one can escape this. Worrying can’t change anything, and it will only bring heavier burdens upon oneself. Reflecting on my illness, I realized that I hadn’t believed in God’s sovereignty. I hadn’t had the mindset or attitude of submitting to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and I’d worried that if my diabetes couldn’t be controlled, it could lead to many complications, and if it got serious, I could go blind, need to have limbs amputated, or even die. I felt so scared. I also thought about how my mom died at forty-two. Would I also die young like my mom? I felt a lot of pain and torment in my heart. I had become completely consumed by my illness, with no thoughts for my duties. I spent my days searching for home remedies to treat my illness, and I didn’t believe that the severity of this illness and whether I would die were determined by God. A person’s life and death have long since been ordained by God. Whether I am to die isn’t something I can escape, and it is futile to worry about or fear this. I had to train to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements through this illness. This is the mindset and attitude I needed to have. I shouldn’t fear death, nor should I give up on my duties because of my illness.

One day, I watched an experiential testimony video titled Getting Covid Revealed Me. In the video, there was a passage of God’s words that really inspired me. Almighty God says: “Before deciding to do their duty, deep in their hearts, antichrists are brimming with expectations toward their prospects, gaining blessings, a good destination, and even a crown, and they have the utmost confidence in attaining these things. They come to the house of God to do their duty with such intentions and aspirations. So, does their performance of duty contain the sincerity, genuine faith and loyalty that God requires? At this point, one cannot yet see their genuine loyalty, faith, or sincerity, because everyone harbors an entirely transactional mindset before they do their duty; everyone makes the decision to do their duty driven by interests, and also based on the precondition of their overflowing ambitions and desires. What is the antichrists’ intention in doing their duty? It’s to make a deal, to make an exchange. It could be said that these are the conditions they set for doing duty: ‘If I do my duty, then I must obtain blessings and have a good destination. I must obtain all the blessings and benefits that god has said are prepared for humankind. If I can’t obtain them, then I won’t do this duty.’ They come to the house of God to do their duty with such intentions, ambitions, and desires. It seems like they do have some sincerity, and of course for those who are new believers and are just starting to do their duty, it can also be called enthusiasm. But there is no genuine faith or loyalty in this; there’s only that degree of enthusiasm. It can’t be called sincerity. Judging from this attitude antichrists have toward doing their duty, it is wholly transactional and filled with their desires for benefits like gaining blessings, entering the kingdom of heaven, obtaining a crown, and receiving rewards. So, it appears from the outside that many antichrists, before being expelled, are doing their duty and have even forsaken more and suffered more than the average person. What they expend and the price they pay are on par with Paul, and they do no less running about than Paul either. This is something everyone can see” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). God exposes that antichrists are filled with extravagant desires for their future and for a beautiful destination for themselves. They come to do their duties with such intentions, solely to gain blessings, lacking in any sincerity or loyalty. When I applied it to myself, I realized that the way of my pursuit was the same as that of an antichrist. When I first accepted God’s work in the last days, I enthusiastically expended myself to enter the kingdom and gain blessings. I was willing to set aside my children and family to focus solely on my duties. But when I saw how high my blood sugar was, and given that I knew this could lead to severe complications, my attitude toward my duties made a complete turnaround, and I just went and set my duties aside. I saw that my intention in doing my duties was to try and bargain with God, and when my desire for blessings was shattered, I abandoned my duties and betrayed God. God hates betrayal the most, yet this is exactly what I did. I felt so remorseful. I thought of Paul holding fast to these words: “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: From now on there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:7–8). His expenditure, hardships, and sacrifices were all to gain blessings and crowns, and not for the purpose of doing the duties of a created being. Because his path was wrong, he tried to bargain with God at every turn, and in the end, he offended God’s disposition and was punished by Him. I also expended myself in exchange for blessings, which was manipulating God. Weren’t my views on pursuit the same as Paul’s? God’s work of judgment and chastisement in the last days is to purify and perfect people through His words, but I believed in God solely to receive grace and blessings, thinking that as long as I actively did my duties, God would protect me and not let me encounter illness or disaster. This belief was based on my own notions and imaginings. Such a view on pursuit is incorrect, doesn’t align with God’s intentions, and is detestable to Him. I’d thought I’d been pursuing quite well, but through this illness, I realized that I believed in God just for the sake of my future and destiny, and that I was trying to use God for personal gain. If I didn’t receive blessings, I was unwilling to do my duties, nor did I seek the truth to resolve my problems. I had no sincerity or loyalty toward God at all. God is holy, so how could He not despise such a despicable manner of pursuit? Looking back now, if I hadn’t experienced the revelation of this illness, I wouldn’t have reflected on myself, nor would I have realized that my pursuit was wrong.

Later, I came across a passage of God’s words that really benefited me. Almighty God says: “When people are unable to see through to, understand, accept, or submit to the environments that God orchestrates and His sovereignty, and when people face various difficulties in their daily lives, or when these difficulties exceed what normal people can bear, they subconsciously feel all kinds of worry and anxiety, and even distress. They don’t know what tomorrow will be like, or the day after, or how things will be in a few years’ time, or what their future will be like, and so they feel distressed, anxious, and worried about all manner of things. What is the context in which people feel distressed, anxious, and worried about all manner of things? It is that they don’t believe in the sovereignty of God—that is, they are unable to believe in and see through to God’s sovereignty. Even if they saw it with their own eyes, they wouldn’t understand it, or believe it. They don’t believe that God holds sovereignty over their fate, they don’t believe that their lives are in God’s hands, and so distrust arises in their hearts toward God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and then blame arises, and they are unable to submit. Besides blaming and being unable to submit, they want to be the masters of their own fate and act on their own initiative. What then becomes the actual situation after they start acting on their own initiative? All they can do is live relying on their own caliber and abilities, but there are many things they cannot achieve, or reach, or accomplish with their own caliber and abilities” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, I finally understood that I had no understanding of God’s sovereignty. I was always troubled, anxious, and worried about my illness, constantly thinking about and planning on my own, without praying or seeking God’s intentions. I didn’t believe that God was sovereign over everything and always wanted to find a way out myself. I saw that I was truly unworthy of being called a Christian! I thought of how when nonbelievers fall sick, they feel hopeless, helpless, and without support, and about how they are just left to themselves to find ways to heal themselves. I am a believer in God, and God is sovereign over all, so I should rely on Him. I had to cooperate with my treatment while also doing my own duties well. I reflected on the more than two years I’d believed in God, and I realized that everything I’d enjoyed was God’s grace, and that every day I’d lived under God’s care and protection. This illness had been allowed by God, and He had carefully arranged these circumstances for me to come to know myself and understand that human life is in God’s hands, thereby purifying my desire for blessings. Yet I misunderstood and complained against God, doubting Him, and constantly seeking a way out for my flesh. I saw that I didn’t have any truth realities. I’d been truly blind and foolish! I also thought about an elderly sister in the church who had a serious heart condition. The doctors said she wouldn’t make it, and her family had prepared for her funeral, but although the sister was in pain, she didn’t complain against God, and later, her condition miraculously improved. After a while, she was still doing her duties, and she didn’t have to take any medicine, and her health had recovered to a reasonable level. I saw how my elderly sister relied on God through her illness and stood firm in her testimony, and yet my illness, which wasn’t even as severe as hers, terrified me. I really lacked the true faith she had. I felt so ashamed! I shouldn’t worry or be afraid, and I had to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements and actively experience the situation God had orchestrated for me.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “So, how should you choose, and how should you approach the matter of becoming ill? It’s very simple, and there is one path to follow: Pursue the truth. Pursue the truth and regard the matter according to God’s words and according to the truth principles—this is the understanding people should have. And how should you practice? You take all these experiences and put into practice the understanding you have gained and the truth principles you have understood according to the truth and God’s words, and you make them your reality and your life—this is one aspect. The other aspect is that you must not abandon your duty. Whether you are sick or in pain, as long as you have a single breath left, as long as you are still living, as long as you can still speak and walk, then you have the energy to perform your duty, and you should be well-behaved in the performance of your duty with your feet planted firmly on the ground. You must not abandon the duty of a created being or the responsibility given to you by the Creator. As long as you are not yet dead, you should complete your duty and fulfill it well” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he receives blessings or suffers misfortune. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. Receiving blessings refers to when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. Suffering misfortune refers to when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment; they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they receive blessings or suffer misfortune, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do. You should not do your duty only to receive blessings, and you should not refuse to act for fear of suffering misfortune. Let Me tell you this one thing: Man’s performance of his duty is what he ought to do, and if he is incapable of performing his duty, then this is his rebelliousness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). God has said that as long as a person has breath, they should do their duties well and not give up their responsibilities, because one’s duties are the heaven-sent vocation of a created being and a commission from God. Regardless of my circumstances, I had to do my duty well, as it is perfectly natural and justified to do so. I also understood that my duties have nothing to do with my receiving blessings or suffering misfortune. Receiving blessings comes from a change in one’s disposition after experiencing God’s judgment and chastisement. Only when one is able to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, do the duties of a created being well, and no longer rebel against or resist God can one receive God’s acceptance and approval. God determines a person’s outcome based on whether or not their disposition has changed, yet I’d always treated my duties as a way to bargain with God for blessings. Without pursuing the truth, I was destined to stumble and fail. Even if I didn’t have any illness, if I failed to do my duties well and didn’t gain the truth, wouldn’t I still end up being eliminated and destroyed by God? Whether or not I am sick isn’t really important, what matters is whether I can gain the truth. Now I no longer feel constrained by my illness, I take my medication as needed and pay attention to my diet, and I no longer worry about whether I might die. Instead, I practice entrusting everything to God and to submit to His orchestrations and arrangements.

My experience of this illness has been immensely beneficial to me, as it has corrected my misguided pursuit in my believing in God. If it weren’t for this illness, I would have continued to do my duties with the intention of gaining blessings, and spending my life believing this way wouldn’t have allowed me to meet with God’s approval. I came to understand that this situation arranged by God was truly good and beneficial, and I am so grateful to God!