By Yang Yi, China

In 1998, I accepted Almighty God’s work in the last days and welcomed the return of the Lord. Through reading God’s words, I learned how God expresses the truth and does the work of judgment in the last days to cleanse and save humankind, guiding people to a beautiful destination. I thought that I should be expending, suffering, paying a price and preparing good deeds if I wanted to reach a good destination. So I started spreading the gospel and occasionally hosting, and I did my best to do whatever I could. I even donated any extra money I had to brothers and sisters living in hardship. One time while spreading the gospel, I was arrested by the police, tortured and even sentenced to jail. Even then, I never betrayed God, and was never a Judas. I thought I’d done so many good deeds and stood firm in my testimony for God, so I would definitely obtain a good destination. In 2018, I suddenly had a heart illness and then hypertension, and was admitted to the hospital twice. I thought to myself, no matter what happens, I can’t complain. I should submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. To my surprise, after just two weeks, I recovered and was released from the hospital. I was deeply grateful to God. I thought that since I hadn’t complained despite getting so sick, and even continued doing my duty after being released, I was truly loyal and submissive to God. Then, in February of 2019, my heart illness and hypertension relapsed again out of nowhere and it was much worse than before. Soon after, I was also diagnosed with diabetes, and I had a really badly herniated disc. I couldn’t take care of myself—I had to eat lying down and needed my daughter-in-law to carry me to the bathroom. I lay in bed all day and barely had the strength to speak or blink my eyes.

One night, my condition suddenly got worse and my heart hurt so much that I was scared to even breathe—like if I took a breath, it would all be over. I was in pain for about half an hour and I felt like I might die at any second. I thought, “I’m so sick that I barely have the strength to blink my eyes—is this the end? If I die, how will I enter the kingdom? I’ll never share in the blessings of the kingdom or glimpse its gorgeous scenery. Is it all over for me?” The more I thought the worse I felt. I prayed, but I couldn’t understand God’s intention. As time went by, the unrelenting agony of my illness made me lose the will to live. But I also knew that dying wasn’t God’s intention for me. I didn’t know what to do and I unconsciously started making demands of God, “When am I going to get better? All the sisters I know of my age are healthier than me, but I haven’t expended any less than them. I’d given so much for God and actively performed every duty I could. Even when I was arrested, jailed and suffered so much, I never denied or betrayed God. Why didn’t God protect me and give me a good healthy body?” I was constantly complaining and my heart was in a dark place. Later, only after my heart started hurting even worse, did I come before God to pray and seek, saying, “Oh God! My heart problem suddenly got worse. I can’t understand Your intention and don’t know how I should experience this. I don’t want to rebel against or oppose You. Please enlighten and guide me so that I can learn from this experience.” After prayer, a passage of God’s word came to mind: “How should you experience sickness when it comes? You should come before God and pray, seek and grope for God’s intention; you should examine yourself to find what it is you have done that went against the truth, and what corruption in you has not been resolved. Your corrupt disposition cannot be resolved without undergoing suffering. Only in being tempered by suffering can people not be dissolute, and able to live before God at all times. When someone suffers, they are always at prayer. They have no thought for the pleasures of food, dress, and other enjoyments; they pray constantly in their hearts, examining themselves to see whether they have done anything wrong or where they may have gone against the truth. Normally, when you face a serious illness or strange malady that makes you suffer very badly, this does not happen by chance. Whether you are ill or in good health, God’s intention is there in that” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. In Believing in God, Gaining the Truth Is Most Crucial). After pondering God’s words, I understood His intention more clearly. God wasn’t using this sickness to take my life, nor was He making me suffer without reason. Rather, the sickness was His way of revealing my corrupt disposition and helping me learn a lesson—it was God’s way of saving me. I shouldn’t misunderstand or blame God, I had to really reflect on myself.

There were a few passages of God’s word that helped me better understand my state later. God’s word says: “So many believe in Me only that I might heal them. So many believe in Me only that I might use My powers to drive unclean spirits out from their bodies, and so many believe in Me simply that they might receive peace and joy from Me. So many believe in Me only to demand from Me greater material wealth. So many believe in Me just to spend this life in peace and to be safe and sound in the world to come. So many believe in Me to avoid the suffering of hell and to receive the blessings of heaven. So many believe in Me only for temporary comfort, yet do not seek to gain anything in the world to come. When I brought down My fury upon man and seized all the joy and peace he once possessed, man became doubtful. When I gave unto man the suffering of hell and reclaimed the blessings of heaven, man flew into a rage. When man asked Me to heal him, I paid him no heed and felt abhorrence toward him; man departed from Me to instead seek the way of evil medicine and sorcery. When I took away all that man had demanded from Me, everyone disappeared without a trace. Thus, I say that man has faith in Me because I give too much grace, and because there are far too many benefits to gain” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. What Do You Know of Faith?). “Man’s relationship with God is merely one of naked self-interest. It is a relationship between a receiver and a giver of blessings. To put it plainly, it is the relationship between an employee and an employer. The employee works hard only to receive the rewards bestowed by the employer. There is no affection in such an interests-based relationship, only transaction. There is no loving or being loved, only charity and mercy. There is no understanding, only helpless suppressed indignation and deception. There is no intimacy, only an uncrossable chasm” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Appendix 3: Man Can Only Be Saved Amidst God’s Management). “I have held man to a strict standard throughout. If your loyalty comes with intentions and conditions, then I would rather be without your so-called loyalty, for I abhor those who deceive Me through their intentions and extort Me with conditions. I wish only for man to be absolutely loyal to Me, and to do all things for the sake of—and in order to prove—one word: faith” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Are You a True Believer in God?). God’s words of judgment were like a sharp knife through the heart. I felt so ashamed and instantly came to my senses. I started to reflect on myself—what had actually been my goal in all my years of belief? After becoming a believer, I would help whenever I saw my brothers and sisters in hardships, and do whatever duties needed in the church as best I could. Even when I was arrested, jailed and tortured by the CCP, I didn’t betray God. I thought I had really done a lot of good deeds. But through the revelation of God’s words and exposure through the facts, I realized that I hadn’t expended and sacrificed to submit to and satisfy God, but to gain His grace and blessings, maintain a healthy body and ultimately reach a good destination. So the first time I got sick, I thought that because I had expended so much for God, He wouldn’t let me die despite my sickness, and so I didn’t blame God. The second time, when my condition got even worse and I was lying in bed unable to take care of myself, as I struggled with prolonged suffering and the threat of death, I realized my chances of gaining the blessings of the kingdom of heaven were slim, and I regretted expending myself in the past. I even used my past expenditures to reason and bargain with God. I was transacting with, deceiving and using God—a far cry from truly expending for Him! I also had a fallacious view that because I had expended and sacrificed for God, God should give me a healthy body and a good destination, just as in the secular world, it’s considered fair and reasonable to compensate based on how much someone works. I wanted to use my suffering and sacrifices to trade with God for a good destination, and when I didn’t get it, my heart was full of complaints and opposition. I was so unreasonable! God is holy and righteous—He wants us to sacrifice sincerely. But I, with my despicable motives, wanted to make a deal with God. I was deceiving and resisting Him. If I didn’t repent soon, God would become disgusted with me and eliminate me.

Later, I prayed to God and sought to understand the source of the issue. I read two passages of God’s words: “All corrupt humans live for themselves. Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost—this is the summation of human nature. People believe in God for their own sake; when they forsake things and expend themselves for God, it is in order to be blessed, and when they are loyal to Him, it is still in order to be rewarded. In sum, it is all done for the purpose of being blessed, rewarded, and entering the kingdom of heaven. In society, people work for their own benefit, and in the house of God, they do a duty in order to be blessed. It is for the sake of gaining blessings that people forsake everything and can endure much suffering. There is no better evidence of man’s satanic nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “What is Satan’s poison? How can it be expressed? For example, if you ask, ‘How should people live? What should people live for?’ people will answer, ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost.’ This single phrase expresses the very root of the problem. Satan’s philosophy and logic have become people’s lives. No matter what people pursue, they do so for themselves—and so they live only for themselves. ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost’—this is the life philosophy of man, and it also represents human nature. These words have already become the nature of corrupt mankind and they are the true portrait of corrupt mankind’s satanic nature. This satanic nature has already become the basis for corrupt mankind’s existence. For several thousand years, corrupt mankind has lived by this venom of Satan, right up to the present day” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Walk the Path of Peter). What God’s words exposed was exactly how I was. The reason I’d made transactions with God and deceived and used Him is because I’d been deeply corrupted by Satan. My thoughts and views had all been influenced by Satan’s poison. I lived according to satanic logic and principles like “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost,” and “Never take the short end of the stick,” always acting out of self-interest, and only expending for God in order to make a deal with Him. I was always looking to get something from God and to trade my small expenditures for God’s great grace and blessings. I lived by Satan’s poison and was selfish, despicable and only sought personal gain. When I didn’t receive blessings or benefits, I even complained against God. I didn’t have the slightest bit of humanity! I thought of how, in order to save humanity, God had, in His first incarnation, suffered crucifixion to redeem all mankind, and in His second incarnation, He came to the country of the great red dragon, and was persecuted by the CCP and condemned and rejected by the religious world. God endured enormous suffering and humiliation and still expressed the truth to water and supply us. God has never asked us to give Him anything, but has always been quietly expending Himself for mankind. As for me, I didn’t think to repay God’s love, and even demanded that God give me peace and a good destination. When I didn’t get what I wanted, I complained against God. Where was my conscience? I was barely worthy of being called human, much less did I deserve to enter into God’s kingdom. After I realized all this, I really hated myself, and also felt so grateful to God. If I hadn’t been sick, bedridden and faced with the threat of death, I never would have reflected on myself, nor would I have realized that my views on faith were detestable to God, and that if I continued like this, I would never achieve true submission to Him. It was the judgment and exposure of God’s words and the illness that prompted me to reflect and turn back to Him. This was God’s salvation and His love for me. I felt so touched and prayed to God, “Dear God! I see now that this sickness is a part of Your salvation and love for me. I’m willing to submit. Only through this kind of hardship and refinement can I identify my improper motives as a believer and start to transform my corrupt disposition. I’m willing to change my mistaken views on pursuits and do my duty as a created being.” I read another passage of God’s words: “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he is blessed or cursed. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. To be blessed is when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. To be cursed is when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment, it is when they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they are blessed or cursed, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do. You should not do your duty only to be blessed, and you should not refuse to act for fear of being cursed. Let Me tell you this one thing: Man’s performance of his duty is what he ought to do, and if he is incapable of performing his duty, then this is his rebelliousness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). Reading God’s words, I understood that I am a created being. Sacrificing and expending for God is perfectly natural and justified, and it is my duty. I shouldn’t be making demands or setting conditions for God, but I, with my despicable motives, wanted God to give me a good destination in exchange for my expenditures. I was being so unreasonable! Whether or not I had a healthy body and a good destination, I should still follow God and expend myself for Him in my duties, just like a child should always respect their parents regardless of how their parents treat them and whether or not they can inherit property because these are human responsibilities. Even though I still hadn’t recovered and felt pretty awful, I no longer misunderstood God or complained against Him. Whether or not I would recover, I was willing to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements.

Afterward, I reflected and realized that I was actually unclear about what counts as a good deed and what kinds of expending and sacrificing will earn God’s approval. In the words of God I found the standard to measure it. God’s words say: “What is the standard by which a person’s actions and behavior are judged to be good or evil? It is whether or not they, in their thoughts, revelations, and actions, possess the testimony of putting the truth into practice and of living out the truth reality. If you do not have this reality or live this out, then without doubt, you are an evildoer. How does God regard evildoers? To God, your thoughts and external acts do not bear testimony for Him, nor do they humiliate and defeat Satan; instead, they bring shame to Him, and they are riddled with marks of the dishonor that you have brought upon Him. You are not testifying for God, you are not expending yourself for God, nor are you fulfilling your responsibilities and obligations to God; instead, you are acting for your own sake. What does ‘for your own sake’ mean? To be precise, it means for Satan’s sake. Therefore, in the end, God will say, ‘Depart from Me, you that work iniquity.’ In God’s eyes, your actions will not be seen as good deeds, they will be considered evil deeds. Not only will they fail to gain God’s approval—they will be condemned. What does one hope to gain from such a belief in God? Would such belief not come to naught in the end?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). “Since you are certain that this way is true, you must follow it until the end; you must maintain your devotion to God. Since you have seen that God Himself has come to the earth to perfect you, you should give your heart entirely to Him. If you can still follow Him no matter what He does, even if He determines an unfavorable outcome for you at the very end, this is maintaining your purity in front of God. Offering a holy spiritual body and a pure virgin to God means keeping a sincere heart in front of God. For mankind, sincerity is purity, and the ability to be sincere toward God is maintaining purity” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. You Should Maintain Your Devotion to God). After reading God’s words, I understood that God wants us to be sincere, to willingly sacrifice for God without asking to be repaid and to practice the truth and bear witness for God in our duties. This is what is truly meant by good deeds. I had a one-sided understanding of good deeds before. I thought that as long as I expended, suffered and paid a price, I was building up good deeds. Then I thought of how in the Age of Grace, the Lord Jesus had approved of the poor widow who gave an offering. To most people, it seemed like she’d only offered a couple of coins, which was worth very little, but God doesn’t care how much people offer, He cares about their intention. Although in my duties, I had expended myself and given a lot, I wasn’t being sincere with God; my expending was transactional and impure. No matter how much I gave in this way, it would never be considered a good deed. After realizing God’s intention, I prayed to Him, saying that whether or not I would recover or have a good destination, I would still sincerely expend myself for God to repay His love. Later, I was no longer constrained by my illness or bound by my intention for blessings—I could regularly eat and drink the words of God, attend gatherings and do my duty to the best of my ability.

After some time, I slowly started to get better. Now I can sit up and write on a computer and I’ve been practicing writing articles to bear witness for God. I can take care of myself now too. I thank God from the bottom of my heart, for using illness to help me learn a lesson. I see that even in sickness and hardship, there is God’s goodwill, all for the sake of our salvation. As God’s words say: “In their belief in God, what people seek is to obtain blessings for the future; this is their goal in their faith. All people have this intent and hope, but the corruption in their nature must be resolved through trials and refinement. In whichever aspects you are not purified and reveal corruption, these are the aspects in which you must be refined—this is God’s arrangement. God creates an environment for you, forcing you to be refined there so that you can know your own corruption. Ultimately, you reach a point at which you would rather die in order to give up your schemes and desires and to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangement. Therefore, if people do not have several years of refinement, if they do not endure a certain amount of suffering, they will not be able to rid themselves of the constraints of corruption of the flesh in their thoughts and in their hearts. In whichever aspects people are still subject to the constraints of their satanic nature, and in whichever aspects they still have their own desires and their own demands, these are the aspects in which they should suffer. Only through suffering can lessons be learned, which means being able to gain truth, and understand God’s intentions” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three).