By Serena, South Korea

In September 2021, the church arranged for me to participate in the production of a new video project—a project which looked to be quite difficult. I knew that I was lacking in terms of principles and professional ability. So I studied hard, and when attending gatherings and discussing problems, I would always speak up actively, in the hope that others would see that my caliber was pretty good and think I was someone worth cultivating. But, before long, a series of problems began to arise one after another.

Once, when we were discussing the production of a video, I pointed out something that I saw as a problem. But, based on a principled evaluation, everyone else decided that it wasn’t a problem after all. This made me feel discouraged, like I was no good. Another time, when I had a suggestion for a video, I thought about it for a long time before sharing my opinion. But I still didn’t get it right. I regretted speaking afterward, thinking, “If I’d known people would’ve reacted this way, I wouldn’t have said anything!” Before, when I’d been making simple projects, I was able to get the approval of my brothers and sisters more or less whenever I made a suggestion or voiced an opinion. But now, I couldn’t even see problems clearly and was always making mistakes. Would the brothers and sisters think that my caliber isn’t so good? If things continued like this, would they start to question whether or not I was fit to do this job? It looked as though I would have to be more cautious when making a suggestion or voicing an opinion in the future—if I wasn’t sure about something, then it would be better to not say anything, and avoid making mistakes as much as possible, so that the others wouldn’t see the truth about how inept I was. But then, my worst fear came to pass. One day, I was fellowshipping at a gathering when the team leader suddenly interrupted me. He said that I had gone off-topic, and that my fellowship was supposed to revolve around God’s words. I was so embarrassed—my face went red, and I just wanted to disappear into a hole in the ground. For the rest of the gathering I just kept my head down looking like a wilted flower. I felt ashamed, humiliated, and listless. From the start, my professional abilities were worse than everyone else’s, and my view on issues was superficial. But now, I couldn’t even articulate key points when I was speaking. What would everyone think of me now that I’d exposed so many deficiencies in such a short space of time? Would they think my caliber was poor? From that moment on, whenever we talked about work together I felt agitated, and got butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to make suggestions, but whenever I thought of one I reconsidered and didn’t dare say it, for fear that if I made a mistake everyone would see that I wasn’t up to scratch. I decided that it was better to say nothing than to say something wrong. So, when we were discussing problems, I stopped speaking altogether. Sometimes, I would find myself admiring the others, who always voiced whatever idea was on their mind. But I still couldn’t bring myself to do the same—I didn’t have that kind of courage. Actually, I knew that this was wrong. I felt uneasy and distressed, but I didn’t know what to do. A while later, a leader of our church was dismissed. When the upper leaders exposed her performance, they mentioned that she had always tried to cover up her flaws and never opened up when doing her duty. Their words struck a chord with me, and I couldn’t help but think of my own actions. Lately I’d been closing myself off, hiding my own ideas and viewpoints for fear that people would see through me. At that moment, I realized how dangerous my state was, and I knew I had to seek the truth and resolve it promptly.

While I was seeking, I read a passage of God’s words: “Making mistakes or disguising oneself: which of these relates to disposition? Disguising is a matter of disposition, it involves an arrogant disposition, wickedness, and deceitfulness; it is especially loathed by God. … If, having made a mistake, you can treat it correctly, and can allow everyone else to talk about it, permitting their commentary and discernment about it, and you can open up about it and dissect it, what will everyone’s opinion of you be? They will say you are an honest person, for your heart is open to God. Through your actions and behavior, they will be able to see your heart. But if you try to disguise yourself and deceive everyone, people will think little of you, and say you are a fool and an unwise person. If you do not try to put on a pretense or justify yourself, if you can admit your mistakes, everyone will say you are honest and wise. And what makes you wise? Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has faults and flaws. And actually, everyone has the same corrupt disposition. Do not think yourself more noble, perfect, and kind than others; that is being utterly unreasonable. Once people’s corrupt dispositions and the essence and true face of their corruption are clear to you, you will not try to cover up your own mistakes, nor will you hold other people’s mistakes against them—you will be able to face both correctly. Only then will you become insightful and not do foolish things, which will make you wise. Those who are not wise are foolish people, and they always dwell on their minor mistakes while sneaking around behind the scenes. It is disgusting to witness. In fact, what you are doing is immediately obvious to other people, yet you are still blatantly putting on a show. To others, it has the appearance of a clownish performance. Is this not foolish? It really is. Foolish people do not have any wisdom. No matter how many sermons they hear, they still do not understand the truth or see anything for what it really is. They never get off their high horse, thinking they are different from everyone else and more respectable; this is arrogance and self-righteousness, this is foolishness. Fools do not have spiritual understanding, do they? The matters in which you are foolish and unwise are the matters in which you have no spiritual understanding, and cannot easily understand the truth. This is the reality of the matter” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). After reading God’s words, I reflected on the state I’d been in lately. In the beginning, I thought that being selected to participate in a new video project meant that my caliber and ability were not too bad, and that I was worth cultivating. So, I actively expressed my opinions and engaged in fellowships and discussions, hoping to gain everyone’s approval. But, when I saw that I was constantly exposing my issues, I felt embarrassed. People were seeing through me, and I couldn’t accept that. I thought that my mistakes proved I wasn’t any good, that I wasn’t suitable for this job. So, I closed myself off and disguised myself, hoping the others wouldn’t see how inadequate I was. My disposition was so arrogant and deceitful! In reality, the fact that I’d been assigned to this duty didn’t prove I was any good to begin with—the church was simply giving me a chance to practice. In fact, I still had many deficiencies and shortcomings, and I had to learn and improve over the course of doing my duty. But I wasn’t treating these issues correctly. I wasn’t reflecting on the causes of my mistakes, and I wasn’t seeking the truth principles to make up for my deficiencies. Instead, I was racking my brains to try and find ways to hide my problems, so that the others wouldn’t see through me. How could I have been so deceitful and ignorant? Later, I read more of God’s words: “When people do their duty or any work before God, their heart must be pure: It must be like a bowl of fresh water—crystal clear, without impurity. So what kind of attitude is correct? No matter what it is that you’re doing, you are able to fellowship with others whatever is in your heart, whatever ideas you may have. If someone says that your way of doing things will not work, and they propose another idea, and if you feel it is a pretty good idea, then you give up your own way, and do things according to what they think. By doing that, everyone sees that you can accept others’ suggestions, choose the correct path, act according to principles, and with transparency and clarity. There’s no darkness in your heart, and you act and speak sincerely, relying on an attitude of honesty. You call a spade a spade. If it is, it is; if it isn’t, it isn’t. No tricks, no secrets, just a very transparent person. Isn’t that a kind of attitude? This is an attitude toward people, events and things and it is representative of a person’s disposition” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God likes honest people. I should do my duty with an honest attitude. No matter what I do or say, I should be forthright and open, saying what I think, and if problems appear I should be able to admit, and handle and solve them appropriately. So, I examined my mistakes from before one by one. I looked for the reasons why things had gone wrong, and sought to understand the related principles. Only then did I realize that making mistakes enables us to discover our own weaknesses and compensate for them in a timely fashion, which is a good thing. But I’d always been concerned with my own image and status, closing myself off, presenting a false front, not speaking my mind, and being afraid of exposing my flaws. By doing this, I would never be able to make up for what I lacked, and my progress would be slow. Wasn’t I just digging a hole for myself? After realizing this, I consciously began to correct my mentality. When discussing work with the other brothers and sisters or making suggestions for videos, I voiced whatever viewpoint was on my mind without trying to guess how it would be received. Although some of my ideas and opinions were still off-base, thanks to my brothers’ and sisters’ corrections and guidance, I began to understand some of the principles that were involved. Slowly, I became less constrained and felt more at ease, and my heart grew lighter.

After a while, we had to adopt some new technology in order to improve the video quality. I was new to the technology, but by discussing and learning the necessary skills together with others, I gradually started to understand it somewhat. When I saw how my partnered sister communicated her ideas and made suggestions, how her analysis was always logical and well-founded, and how the supervisor would often ask for her opinion on various things, I felt very envious. I, on the other hand, was still a nobody. I wondered when everyone would finally know who I was. Sometimes, during work discussions, I thought about how to use my words so that others would have a good impression of me—so they’d know I wasn’t totally clueless about the matter at hand. One day, we were all discussing a video production plan when I noticed a problem. In order to speak concisely and to the point, and to show that I knew a little something about this new technology, I wanted to choose my words carefully before speaking. But the more I fretted over it, the less I knew what to say. In the end, my partnered sister raised the issue for me instead. Later on, I thought of a solution. My partnered sister and I could discuss what to say beforehand. Then, I would fellowship my viewpoint to the others first at the meeting. This way, I would be able to express myself better, and I’d feel like I had a sense of presence in our team. The problem was that, when I participated in discussions alone, I still didn’t dare put my views out there. Instead, I’d wait for everyone else to finish expressing their opinions, then offer up a single “Okay,” while pretending I understood what had been said. This continued to the point where I wasn’t taking on any burden when discussing problems. As I listened to them talking, I would sometimes zone out, or even doze off.

One day, my partnered sister came to me and remarked that I hadn’t been doing my duty as actively as before. She asked me if I was in a particular state, and I opened up to her about my recent revelations. She used her experience to help me, and sent me some of God’s words, which say: “Antichrists believe that if they talk too much, constantly expressing their views and fellowshipping with others, everyone will see through them; they will think the antichrist lacks depth, is just an ordinary person, and won’t respect them. What does losing respect mean to the antichrist? It means the loss of their esteemed status in the hearts of others, appearing mediocre, ignorant, and ordinary. This is what antichrists do not hope to see. Therefore, when they see others in the church always opening up and admitting their negativity, rebellion against God, the mistakes they made yesterday, or the unbearable pain they feel from not being honest today, the antichrist considers these people foolish and naive, as they never admit such things themselves, keeping their thoughts hidden. Some people speak infrequently because of poor caliber or simple-mindedness, a lack of complex thoughts, but when antichrists speak infrequently, it’s not for the same reason; it’s a problem of disposition. They rarely speak when meeting others and don’t readily express their views on matters. Why don’t they express their views? Firstly, they certainly lack the truth and can’t see through things. If they speak, they might make mistakes and be seen through themselves; they fear being looked down upon, so they pretend to be silent and feign profundity, making it hard for others to gauge them, appearing wise and distinguished. With this facade, people dare not underestimate the antichrist, and seeing their seemingly calm and composed exterior, they hold them in even higher regard and dare not slight them. This is the devious and wicked aspect of antichrists. They don’t readily express their views because most of their views are not in line with the truth, but are merely human notions and imaginings, not worthy of being brought out into the open. So, they remain silent. … They don’t want to be seen through, knowing their own limitations; but behind this there is also a despicable intention—to be admired. Isn’t this what’s most disgusting?” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Six). In the past, when I read God’s words exposing the dispositions of antichrists, I almost never looked at myself through His words. I thought that I didn’t have any status, let alone any over-ambitious desires. But now, comparing myself with God’s words, I saw that antichrists were often reluctant to express their views in order to cover up their own shortcomings, and that they often stayed silent in order to feign profundity. This is so that everyone around them mistakenly thinks they understand the truth, and looks up to them. Isn’t that what I was doing? In truth, I didn’t have a handle on this new technology at all. But in order to save face and have a firm footing within the group, I never openly talked about my shortcomings or inadequacies. I’d put up a false front, pretending to understand things and not daring to share my opinions in front of everyone, for fear that I’d misspeak and they’d see I was a layman. I even went as far as to cover up my deficiencies by rushing to suggest things in meetings which I’d previously discussed with my partnered sister. Not only did it allow me to feel more like I was a part of things, but it stopped the others from figuring out how low my standard truly was. I was so deceitful! Thinking back, I realized that a lot of people had mentioned that I wasn’t very talkative. I used to think that this was just due to my personality. It was only through the exposure of God’s words that I saw I was keeping quiet to prevent others from seeing through me. I had acted like this before, too, when I did my duty. Sometimes I’d discover some problems, but hold back from saying anything if they weren’t clear to me yet. Instead, I’d wait until I understood the problem clearly, then methodically and logically explain my viewpoint. By doing this, over time everyone thought I had an eye for spotting problems, and I’d occasionally hear them praise me for being clever and of high caliber. It made me feel very pleased with myself. When I saw how some of my other sisters were forthright, saying what they thought and admitting when they didn’t understand something, I’d look down on them. I thought that they spoke without thinking things through, and that the others would instantly see how inept they were. I knew I couldn’t act this way. Now that I realized all of this, I knew that my antichrist disposition was severe. I’d been putting up a false front in order to obtain status and make others have a high opinion of me. I was too concerned with status, and thought too highly of myself. I constantly wanted to be a person with no shortcomings, and was unwilling to be an ordinary person. It was truly arrogant and irrational of me. I thought about my participation in these complex video projects. Not only did I have the chance to enhance my professional abilities, but I could understand more principles in the process. That was a great thing! But instead of working hard to learn new skills and principles with my brothers and sisters, I’d spent my days disregarding my duty. I’d been thinking in crooked ways, worrying about gaining and losing the praise of others, and trying my best to protect my own image. I’d been so foolish! After believing in God for so many years, I still didn’t know where I should focus my pursuits. I’d carelessly wasted so much precious time, and in the end, I’d gained nothing from it. Not only was I not doing my duty well, I was also despised and disgusted by God. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. I was ashamed of myself. So, I prayed to God, willing to repent.

After that, I found a path of practice from God’s words. God says: “How do the words and deeds of normal people appear? A normal person can speak from their heart. They will say whatever is in their heart without any falsehood or deceit. If they can understand a matter they encounter, they will act according to their conscience and reason. If they cannot see through it clearly, they will make mistakes and fail, they will entertain misconceptions, notions, and their personal imaginings, and they will be blinded by the illusions before their eyes. These are the outward signs of normal humanity. Do these outward signs of normal humanity satisfy the requirements of God? No. People cannot satisfy God’s requirements if they do not have the truth. These outward signs of normal humanity are the possessions of an ordinary, corrupt man. These are the things man is born with, the things native to him. You have to allow yourself to show these outward signs and revelations. While allowing yourself to show these outward signs and revelations, you must understand that such are man’s natural instincts, caliber, and inborn nature. What should you do once you understand this? You should regard it correctly. But how do you put this correct regard into practice? This is done by reading more of God’s words, further equipping yourself with the truth, bringing things that you don’t understand, things about which you entertain notions, and things about which you may make wrong judgments to God more often to reflect on them and seek the truth in order to solve all your problems. … As you are not a superman, nor a great man, you cannot penetrate and understand all things. It is impossible for you to see through the world at a glance, see through humankind at a glance, and see through everything happening around you at a glance. You are an ordinary person. You must undergo many failures, many periods of bewilderment, many errors of judgment, and many deviations. This can fully reveal your corrupt disposition, your weaknesses and deficiencies, your ignorance and foolishness, enabling you to reexamine and know yourself, and to have knowledge of God’s almightiness, full wisdom, and His disposition. You will gain positive things from Him, and come to understand the truth and enter reality. There will be much amid your experience that does not go as you wish, against which you will feel powerless. With these, you must seek and wait; you must gain from God the answer to each matter, and understand from His words the underlying essence of each matter and the essence of each sort of person. This is how an ordinary, normal person behaves. You must learn to say, ‘I can’t,’ ‘It’s beyond me,’ ‘I can’t penetrate it,’ ‘I haven’t experienced it,’ ‘I don’t know anything at all,’ ‘Why am I so weak? Why am I so good for nothing?’ ‘I am of such poor caliber,’ ‘I’m so numb and dull-witted,’ ‘I’m so ignorant that it will take me several days before I can understand this thing and take care of it,’ and ‘I need to discuss this with someone.’ You must learn to practice in this way. This is the outward sign of your admission that you are a normal person and your desire to be a normal person” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). After pondering God’s words, I understood that I was an ordinary person of average caliber, with little experience and little understanding of the truth principles. When faced with a new piece of technology and new problems, sometimes I couldn’t understand things or made mistakes—but this was normal. I had to admit and accept my own shortcomings and deficiencies, and seek the truth principles to resolve the issue. Only by doing this would I be able to continuously improve. After realizing all this, my mind was illuminated. I was willing to practice in accordance with God’s demands, to stop pretending and being deceptive, to conduct myself and do my duty in a down-to-earth manner.

There was a time when a group of us were discussing how to fix a video with our supervisor. After everyone had given their suggestions, I found another problem—but I wasn’t sure if I was right or not, and I had some concerns. I thought, “Should I mention it, or not? If I raise an issue that isn’t really a problem, it’ll expose me as being ignorant and dense.” Just then, I realized I wanted to wrap myself up and disguise myself again to save face. So, I prayed to God, asking Him for the strength to rebel against my wrong intention, and then opened up to the others about my views. The supervisor and the other sisters also offered their opinions. Although the matter I’d raised turned out not to be a concern, through our discussion I came to have a clearer understanding of the principles. Over time, when communicating and discussing work together, I grew less anxious and apprehensive. Sometimes I could notice some problems, but I was not sure how to resolve them. So I shared the problems honestly with others and let everyone work out how to resolve them together. Sometimes I proposed a solution, but it was discovered to be unsuitable through the course of discussion. At times like this, I admitted that I was wrong, and discussed with everyone how to fix it to achieve better results. … When I practiced like this, my heart felt much calmer and more relaxed, and I was able to do my small part in my duty. I’ve learned through personal experience that conducting myself and doing my duty this way makes me feel peaceful, at ease, and liberated!