By Katrina, USA

I had known Sheila for over 3 years, and I knew her well. Whenever we met up, she would chat with me about her current state. She’d say she was always suspicious of others and cared a lot about what others thought of her. She also said she would be very petty, and was always speculating what people meant. She could get upset about the slightest look on someone’s face, their tone, or even some offhand remark. She didn’t want to be that way, but she couldn’t help it. She’d often say that she was deeply corrupted, deceitful and lacking in humanity, that she hated how much she prized reputation and status, and would cry as she talked. Seeing how regretful and disgusted she was with herself, I thought that she really wanted to change. Perhaps this corrupt disposition was a little more serious and was her Achille’s heel, so change wouldn’t come easy, and would take time. So I thought I should be considerate of her. No matter how busy I was with my duty, if she wanted to chat, I would put aside my work and listen to her pour out her heart, and would often encourage, console and fellowship with her. But what I couldn’t understand was why even though Sheila seemed to speak clearly and logically in her fellowship and knew herself well, when others pointed out her problems, she’d think they held her in contempt and become negative. This happened time and again and never changed. What’s more, she had spoken with many people about this state, had opened up many times and many people had fellowshipped with her. But after several years, she still hasn’t shown the slightest sign of improvement.

I remember one time, a supervisor was going over an issue we’d had with watering newcomers, saying we hadn’t been caring and patient enough with the newcomers, and didn’t fellowship and support them right away when they didn’t attend gatherings, which was irresponsible. The supervisor was saying this to all the waterers, and wasn’t singling out anyone in particular. But Sheila said that the supervisor was exposing her and making her lose face, so she didn’t want to speak during the gathering. Another time, a brother was fellowshipping about his current state, and said that sometimes when he met brothers and sisters with a slightly poor caliber he couldn’t treat them fairly. He went on to fellowship on his experience and how he changed and gained entry. But when Sheila heard this, she thought he was talking about her, and that the brother was disparaging her caliber and looking down on her. She was negative for many days after that, developed a bias against the brother, and shunned and ignored him. Another time, while discussing work, the supervisor pointed out a small issue with how Sheila watered newcomers, and she suddenly began crying and ran out, not returning until quite a while later. She sat silently to the side, tears streaming down her face, as if she had been deeply wronged. When I saw the expression on her face, I couldn’t quiet my heart and the gathering was disturbed. Ultimately, the supervisor had no choice but to comfort and encourage her, after which she finally settled down. Later on, the leader fellowshipped with her, pointing out that she prized reputation and status too much, and had to be at the center of everyone’s care and attention to do her duty. She was even less accepting of this: On one hand, she said the supervisor’s criticism was biased and unfair, while also saying that she had a difficult nature, and wanted to change but was unable to do so. She also said, “There’s no saving me. How did I have this kind of nature? Why is everyone else better than me and blessed with less complicated thoughts? Why didn’t God give me a good nature?” When I heard her say all this, I thought, “How willfully troublesome and unreasonable of her! How can she blame God?” But then I thought that maybe she’d been in a bad state recently, and only said these things because her reputation and status had been threatened. Perhaps when her state improved she would quit being like that.

Afterward, I realized that no matter who she was with, Sheila cared much about their expressions—if she thought someone was being cold to her or if she didn’t like their tone or attitude, she would conclude that that person had it out for her. In my own interactions with her, I would be extremely careful, always worried that I’d somehow offend her with my words, make her become negative and delay her duty. It was suffocating trying to interact with Sheila and I often wanted to avoid her. But then I thought that I was corrupted too, and shouldn’t always be looking critically at her. I had to be caring and considerate of her struggles, and be tolerant and compassionate toward her. So I forced myself to interact normally with her and tried my best not to hurt her pride.

Later on, because Sheila didn’t accept the truth at all, was being unreasonable, and wasn’t playing a positive role in the church, the leader dismissed her and arranged for her to be isolated to reflect. I was quite surprised when I heard the news, because even though Sheila was too concerned with reputation and status and was often suspicious of others, she was still quite willing to open up and fellowship, and seemed to be seeking the truth. So why was she arranged for isolation and reflection? It was only later on during a gathering, when the leaders read out the brothers’ and sisters’ evaluations of Sheila and used God’s words to dissect her behavior, that I gained some discernment of her. Almighty God says: “People who are unreasonable and willfully troublesome think only of their own interests when they act, doing whatever pleases them. Their words are nothing but preposterous heresies, and they are impervious to reason. Their vicious dispositions are overflowing. No one dares associate with them, and no one is willing to fellowship about the truth with them, for fear of inviting disaster upon themselves. Other people are on tenterhooks whenever they speak their minds to them, afraid that if they say one word that is not to their liking or not in line with their wishes, they will seize upon it and make outrageous accusations. Are such people not evil? Are they not living demons? All those with vicious dispositions and unsound reason are living demons. And when someone interacts with a living demon, they may bring disaster upon themselves with just a moment’s carelessness. Would it not spell big trouble if such living demons were present in the church? (It would.) After these living demons have thrown their tantrums and vented about their anger, they may speak like a human for a while and apologize, but they will not change afterward. Who knows when their mood will sour and they will throw another tantrum, spouting their preposterous arguments. The target of their tantrum and venting is different each time; as is the source and background of their venting. That is, anything can set them off, anything can make them feel dissatisfied, and anything can make them react in a hysterical and unreasonable way. How terrible, how troublesome! These deranged evil people might lose their minds at any time; no one knows what they are capable of doing. I have the greatest hatred for such people. Every one of them should be cleansed away—they must all be cleared out. I do not wish to engage with them. They are muddled in thought and brutish in disposition, they are filled with preposterous arguments and devilish words, and when things befall them, they vent about them in an impetuous way. … Despite being obviously aware of their own numerous issues, they never seek the truth to resolve them, nor do they discuss knowing themselves in their fellowship with others. When their own problems are mentioned, they deflect and shift the blame, pushing all problems and responsibilities onto others, and even complain that the reason for their behavior is because others mistreat them. It’s as if their tantrums and senseless provocations are caused by others, as if it’s everyone else who’s at fault, and they merely have no other choice but to act this way—they believe they’re legitimately defending themselves. Whenever they are dissatisfied, they start venting their resentment and spouting nonsense, insisting on their preposterous arguments as if everyone else is wrong, portraying others as villains and themselves as the sole good person. No matter how much they throw tantrums or spout preposterous arguments, they demand to be spoken well of. Even when they do wrong, they forbid others from exposing or criticizing them. If you point out even a slight issue of theirs, they’ll entangle you in endless disputes, and you can forget about living peaceably then. What kind of person is this? This is someone who is unreasonable and willfully troublesome, and those who do so are considered evil people” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (26)). God’s words expose the behaviors of people who are unreasonable and vexatious. As soon as someone says or does something that threatens their interests, they speak unreasonably and make a scene. They reveal vicious dispositions, so that others become afraid to offend and confront them. They seriously disturb the brothers and sisters and church life. Sheila was like that all along. When others pointed out her issues, she wouldn’t consider whether what they said was true and didn’t reflect, instead focusing on their tone and attitude. If they weren’t to her liking, she’d lose it and either resent them and form a poor opinion of them, thinking they had it out for her and looked down on her, or would let out her discontent by crying. This constrained other people, who always had to either avoid or accommodate her. Our supervisor went over the problems in our watering work to help us improve and do our duties better, but Sheila thought the supervisor was singling her out and bringing up her past mistakes, so she formed a poor opinion of the supervisor. When a brother fellowshipped on his state, saying that he was unable to treat people fairly, she thought he was disparaging and looking down on her, so she ignored him. When the supervisor pointed out the problems in her duty, she started bawling in order to vent her grievances. So people didn’t dare confront or offend her, and could only speak to her in a delicate way, appeasing her and going along with her. Only then would she do her duty. Sheila had been acting like that for years. She would form a poor opinion of whoever harmed her reputation or threatened her interests. She would even say she was negative because of how other people had a bad attitude toward her, which was a completely unreasonable inversion of the truth. Wasn’t she just one of those unreasonable people God exposed? Only after realizing this did I see that being suspicious of others and being too concerned with reputation were not Sheila’s only problems; she didn’t accept the truth at all and was a vexatious and unreasonable person. Then I reflected on how when I saw that Sheila would often discuss her state, open up and fellowship about her corruption, dissect herself in gatherings and would even break down in tears and show remorse when discussing her corruption, I thought she must have real knowledge of herself and was a pursuer of the truth. What was wrong with my understanding?

Later on, after fellowshipping on God’s words with my brothers and sisters, I finally gained some discernment of her so-called “self-knowledge.” God says: “When some people fellowship their self-knowledge, the first thing out of their mouths is, ‘I’m a devil, a living Satan, someone who resists God. I rebel against Him and betray Him; I’m a viper, an evil person who should be cursed.’ Is this true self-knowledge? They only speak in generalities. Why do they not offer examples? Why do they not bring the shameful things they did out into the light of day for dissection? Some undiscerning people hear them and think, ‘Now, that is true self-knowledge! To know themselves as a devil, and even to curse themselves—what heights they’ve reached!’ Many people, new believers in particular, are prone to be misled by this talk. They think that the speaker is pure and has spiritual understanding, that this is someone who loves the truth, and is qualified for leadership. However, once they interact with them for a while, they find that this is not so, that the person is not whom they imagined, but is exceptionally false and deceitful, skilled at disguise and pretension, which comes as a great disappointment. On what basis can people be deemed to truly know themselves? You cannot just consider what they say—the key is to determine whether they are able to practice and accept the truth. For those that truly understand the truth, they not only have true knowledge of themselves, most importantly, they are able to practice the truth. They not only speak about their true understanding, but are also able to truly do what they say. That is, their words and actions are completely aligned. If what they say sounds coherent and agreeable, but they don’t do it, don’t live it out, then in this they have become Pharisees, they are hypocrites, and absolutely not people who truly know themselves. Many people sound very coherent when they fellowship the truth, but don’t realize when they have revelations of a corrupt disposition. Are these people who know themselves? If people do not know themselves, are they people who understand the truth? All who do not know themselves are people who do not understand the truth, and all who speak empty words of self-knowledge have false spirituality, they are liars. Some people sound very coherent when they speak words and doctrines, but the state in their spirits is numb and dull-witted, they are unperceptive, and they are unresponsive to any issues. It may be said that they are numb, but sometimes, listening to them speak, their spirits seem quite sharp. For example, right after an incident, they are able to know themselves straight away: ‘Just now an idea was made apparent in me. I thought about it and realized that it was deceitful, that I was deceiving God.’ Some undiscerning people are envious when they hear this, saying: ‘This person immediately realizes when they have a revelation of corruption, and is able to open up and fellowship about it, too. They are so quick to react, their spirit is sharp, they’re much better than us. This is truly someone who pursues the truth.’ Is this an accurate way of measuring people? (No.) So what should be the basis for evaluating whether people really know themselves? It must not only be what comes out of their mouths. You must also look at what is really manifested in them. The simplest method is to look at whether they are able to practice the truth—this is what’s most crucial. Their ability to practice the truth proves that they truly know themselves, because those who truly know themselves manifest repentance, and only when people manifest repentance do they truly know themselves” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only Self-Knowledge Is of Aid in Pursuing the Truth). Through reading God’s words, I learned that those who truly know themselves can accept the truth, feel ashamed after revealing corruption, and truly repent and transform afterward. Others, by contrast, say all the right words, calling themselves demons and Satans, as if they have deep self-knowledge, but when faced with pruning, they don’t accept it at all and don’t reflect, and will even repeatedly defend themselves and make specious arguments. No matter how much self-knowledge such people appear to have, it is all a ruse. I thought of how Sheila always chatted with people about her state, saying that she was too concerned with face and constrained by people’s tones and attitudes. She also said she was deceitful and suspicious of others. On the surface, it seemed like she was quite straightforward and candid, was able to spot her own corruption and reflect on herself, even sometimes crying as she spoke. It seemed like she was truly remorseful and despised herself. So I thought that she was a pursuer of the truth. But she had been talking about these behaviors for years and yet she never seemed to change. Only through the revelation of God’s words did I see that Sheila’s so-called self-knowledge was just an act; she didn’t really accept the truth or reflect on her corruption. She would often apply various profound-sounding, but empty statements to herself, saying she had poor humanity, was deceitful, malicious, an antichrist and should be sent to hell. It seemed like she had deep self-knowledge, but when others pointed out her issues or pruned her, she wasn’t accepting in the slightest, and was even resistant and resentful. She would even break down in tears, become vexatious and unreasonable, and argue over right and wrong, disturbing others to the point where they couldn’t gather and do their duty normally. She severely disturbed church life and the church’s work. In the past, I didn’t understand the truth and lacked discernment, so I was misled by her outward behavior, and even thought that she was a pursuer of the truth. How muddled and foolish I was! Only later did I realize that Sheila wasn’t talking about her state with others because she wanted to seek the truth in order to resolve her problems and rectify her state, but because she wanted someone to vent her grievances to, someone to comfort her and help alleviate her suffering. When she opened up about her state to someone, she was just a disturbance. If she hadn’t been dismissed and her behavior dissected, I wouldn’t have gained discernment of her. I would have treated her as a sister with tolerance and patience, and may even have been unwittingly misled and deceived by her. It was then that I realized how important it is to view people by God’s words!

Later on, I read a passage of God’s words that gave me some discernment of Sheila’s motives and the tactics she used to mislead people. Almighty God says: “How can one distinguish whether a person loves the truth? In one regard, one must look at whether this person can come to know themselves based on God’s word, at whether they can reflect on themselves and feel true remorse; in another regard, one must look at whether they can accept and practice the truth. If they can accept and practice the truth, they are someone who loves the truth and who can submit to God’s work. If they only recognize the truth, but never accept or practice it, as some people say, ‘I understand all of the truth, but I can’t practice it,’ this proves they are not someone who loves the truth. Some people admit that God’s word is the truth and that they have corrupt dispositions, and also say that they are willing to repent and remake themselves anew, but after that, there is no change at all. Their words and actions are still the same as before. When they talk about knowing themselves, it is as if they are telling a joke or shouting a slogan. They do not reflect or come to know themselves in the depths of their hearts at all; the key issue is that they have no attitude of remorse. Less still are they opening up about their corruption candidly in order to genuinely self-reflect. Rather, they are pretending to know themselves by going through the process and the motions of doing so. They are not people who genuinely know themselves or accept the truth. When such people talk about knowing themselves, they are going through the motions; they are engaging in disguise and fraud, and false spirituality. Some people are deceitful, and when they see others fellowshipping their self-knowledge, they think, ‘Everyone else opens up and dissects their own deceit. If I don’t say anything, everyone will think I don’t know myself. I’ll have to go through the motions, then!’ After which, they describe their own deceit as gravely serious, illustrating it in dramatic fashion, and their self-knowledge seems especially profound. Everyone who hears feels they truly know themselves, and thereupon looks upon them with envy, which in turn makes them feel as if they are glorious, as if they’ve just adorned themselves with a halo. This manner of self-knowledge achieved by going through the motions, coupled with their disguise and fraud, misleads others. Can their conscience be at ease when they do this? Isn’t this just blatant deceit? If people only speak emptily about knowing themselves, no matter how lofty or good that knowledge might be, and afterward they still continue to reveal a corrupt disposition, just as they did before, without any change at all, then that is not genuine self-knowledge. If people can deliberately pretend and deceive in this way, it proves that they do not accept the truth at all, and are just like the nonbelievers. By talking about their self-knowledge in this way, they are only following the trend and saying whatever suits everyone’s tastes. Isn’t their knowledge and dissection of themselves deceptive? Is this genuine self-knowledge? It absolutely is not. This is because they are not opening up and dissecting themselves from the heart, and they are only talking a bit about knowing themselves in a false, deceptive way for the sake of going through the motions. Even more serious is that to make others admire and envy them, they deliberately exaggerate to make their problems seem more serious when discussing self-knowledge, mixing in their personal intentions and goals. When they do this, they do not feel indebted, their conscience is not reproached after they disguise themselves and engage in fraud, they feel nothing after rebelling against and deceiving God, and they do not pray to God to admit their mistake. Aren’t people like this intransigent? If they don’t feel indebted, can they ever feel remorse? Can someone without true remorse rebel against the flesh and practice the truth? Can someone without true remorse truly repent? Certainly not. If they are not even remorseful, is it not absurd to talk about self-knowledge? Isn’t this just disguise and fraud?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only Self-Knowledge Is of Aid in Pursuing the Truth). Reading God’s words, I thought of Sheila’s behavior. She was fond of talking about her state with others and would use God’s words to reflect upon and know herself in gatherings. She would describe herself in the gravest of terms. Outwardly, she seemed to have deep self-knowledge and to be extremely remorseful and hateful of herself, but this was all just an act she put on for others to deceive them into thinking she accepted the truth and had knowledge of herself. This so-called self-knowledge was her way of misleading and hoodwinking others, making them think she was courageously laying herself bare, so that they wouldn’t just fail to discern her, but would also have great admiration for her. Also, each time Sheila revealed corruption, she would invoke God’s exposure of antichrists to describe herself, saying that she sought reputation and status, was walking the path of an antichrist, that desire for status had taken over her life and if she didn’t repent, this desire would kill her. But as soon as a situation threatened her reputation and status, she’d go back to her old ways, and despite fellowshipping on her state for years, she hadn’t achieved any transformation. The leaders had pointed out her issues and fellowshipped with her many times, but she wouldn’t accept them. She would even become resistant, debate ceaselessly and make specious arguments. It was clear that no matter how negatively she appeared to view herself, or how remorseful or tearful she appeared, it was all an act to deceive people, and that her aim was only to protect her status and image. Also, when she saw how others were able to put their egos aside and seek the truth, she didn’t learn from their strengths, instead thinking that they were just born with a good nature, and that she couldn’t practice the truth and was always suspicious of people because God hadn’t bestowed her with a good nature. She didn’t despise her satanic disposition, and blamed God instead, feeling reproachful toward Him and saying He wasn’t righteous. This showed that Sheila’s essence was that of a demon, and was incredibly absurd and unreasonable. If not for the exposure of God’s words, I would have treated her like a pursuer of the truth.

During a gathering, I saw this passage of God’s words: “Only those who love the truth belong to God’s house; only they are real brothers and sisters. Do you think that all those who often attend assembly in God’s house are brothers and sisters? Not necessarily. What people are not brothers and sisters? (Those who are averse to the truth, who do not accept the truth.) Those who do not accept the truth and are averse to it are all evil people. They are all people without a conscience or reason. None of them are those whom God saves. These people are devoid of humanity, they do not attend to their proper work, and they run amok doing bad things. They live by satanic philosophies and employ crafty maneuvers and use, wheedle, and cheat others. They do not accept the slightest bit of the truth, and they have infiltrated God’s house solely to gain blessings. Why do we call them disbelievers? Because they are averse to the truth, and they do not accept it. As soon as the truth is fellowshipped, they lose interest, they are averse to it, they cannot stand to hear about it, they feel it is boring and cannot stay seated. They are clearly disbelievers and nonbelievers. You must not regard them as brothers and sisters. … If they are not interested in the truth, how can they practice the truth? So what do they live by? Without question, they live by the philosophies of Satan, they are always being wily and cunning, they do not have a life of normal humanity. They never pray to God or seek the truth, but handle everything using human tricks, tactics, and philosophies for worldly dealings—which makes for an exhausting and painful existence. … Those who do not love the truth do not really believe in God. Those who cannot at all accept the truth cannot be called brothers and sisters. Only those who love and are able to accept the truth are brothers and sisters. Now, who are those who do not love the truth? They are all nonbelievers. Those who do not at all accept the truth are averse to and reject the truth. More precisely, they are all nonbelievers who have infiltrated the church. If they are able to do all kinds of evil and disturb and disrupt the church’s work, they are the minions of Satan. They should be cleared out and eliminated. They absolutely cannot be treated as brothers and sisters. All who show them love are extremely foolish and ignorant” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Through God’s words, I realized that true brothers and sisters are those who love the truth and can accept the truth. They truly expend themselves for God and have testimonies of practicing the truth. Perhaps they can’t speak of any profound self-knowledge, but they love the truth and practice as many of God’s words as they can understand. Even though they may commit transgressions, reveal corruption and become negative sometimes, because they pursue the truth, when pruned or when faced with setbacks and failures, they can accept it from God, seek the truth and reflect on themselves. When they recognize their problems, they can slowly rectify them and improve. Only such people are true brothers and sisters. As for those that don’t accept and are averse to the truth, they cannot be called brothers and sisters. If they have poor humanity and do all kinds of evil that disrupt and disturb the church’s work, they are evil people and antichrists and even less qualified to be called a brother or sister. Even if they remain in the church, they are only false believers who’ve infiltrated God’s house. No matter how long they believe, they will ultimately be revealed and eliminated by God. Outwardly, Sheila didn’t seem to have done any great evil, but everything she did disturbed people’s thoughts and impeded them in their duties, and she’d been doing this all along. No matter how others fellowshipped with and supported her, she never made the slightest change, and even debated, argued and acted unreasonably. This showed that Sheila didn’t accept the truth at all and was averse to the truth by nature. She is of the devil’s ilk and not one of our sisters. In the past, I didn’t understand this aspect of the truth and lacked discernment. I thought that as long as one believed in God and recognized His name, they were a brother or sister. I would treat them as a brother or sister, and blindly sympathize with and tolerate them, foolishly showing them kindness and support without discernment. As a result, many of my efforts were in vain. How foolish and muddled I was! Now that Sheila has been dismissed and isolated, I’ve seen how righteous God is. Those that don’t seek the truth and act unreasonably can’t gain a footing in the church, and will ultimately be exposed by God. I also came to understand God’s good intentions: God has arranged situations to let me learn lessons. I have to start seizing them. Going forward, I must put more time and energy into the truth, and view people and things and conduct myself and do things through the lens of God’s words.