By Fangxiang, China

In March 2020, I was promoted to a team leader and was in charge of the watering work for several groups. This made me very happy, but I was also a bit worried. I had never been in charge of any work before—if I couldn’t resolve my brothers’ and sisters’ problems, and couldn’t manage the work well, what would my brothers and sisters think of me? It would be so embarrassing to be dismissed if I couldn’t handle the work. Despite being a little worried, I knew that this was my duty and I should accept it from God and submit, so I accepted the duty. Seeing that I was still unfamiliar with the work, my partnered sister first put me in charge of just two groups. When I thought about how I had to gather with the other brothers and sisters, I got so nervous. In the past, I was just a waterer, so if my fellowship was a little superficial or I didn’t fulfill my duties adequately, this was considered fairly normal. But now I was a team leader and was expected to fellowship the truth to resolve my brothers’ and sisters’ states, as well as help them through any problems or difficulties they were having in their duties. Only then would people approve of me and say that I was a capable worker. If I was unable to resolve their problems, they would inevitably look down on me, and have a lowered opinion of me. Thinking of all of this, I felt less sure of myself and thought it would be better to continue doing my previous duty. At least then my inadequacies wouldn’t be so thoroughly exposed, and I could preserve some face. For the next few days, I kept getting distracted while thinking about all this. During gatherings, I couldn’t quiet down my heart. I kept worrying that my brothers and sisters would look down on me if I didn’t fellowship well, and the more I worried, the more nervous I became. I couldn’t see the root of my brothers’ and sisters’ problems or help resolve them, and I was even scared to go to gatherings. I was incredibly distressed, so I prayed to God many times, asking that He guide me to better understand my state.

Later, I saw a passage of God’s words: “All corrupted humans suffer from a common problem: When they have no status, they do not put on airs when interacting or speaking with anyone, nor do they adopt a certain style or tone in their speech; they are simply ordinary and normal, and do not need to package themselves. They do not feel any psychological pressure, and can fellowship openly and from the heart. They are approachable and are easy to interact with; others feel that they are very good people. As soon as they attain status, they become high and mighty, they ignore ordinary people, nobody can approach them; they feel that they have a sort of nobility, and that they and ordinary people are cut from different cloths. They look down on ordinary people, put on airs when they speak, and stop fellowshipping openly with others. Why do they no longer fellowship openly? They feel that they now have status, and are leaders. They think that leaders must have a certain image, be a bit loftier than ordinary people, have more stature and are better able to assume responsibility; they believe that compared to ordinary people, leaders must have more patience, be able to suffer and expend more, and be able to withstand any temptation from Satan. Even if their parents or other family members die, they feel they must have the self-control to not cry, or that they must cry in secret at the very least, out of sight of others, so that no one can see any of their shortcomings, defects, or weaknesses. They even feel that leaders cannot let anyone know if they have become negative; instead, they must hide all such things. They believe this is how one with status should act. When they repress themselves to this extent, has status not become their god, their lord? And this being so, do they still possess normal humanity? When they have these ideas—when they put themselves in this box, and put on this kind of act—have they not become enamored with status?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Resolve the Temptations and Bondage of Status). God’s words revealed to me how I was unable to live freely because I was bound and constrained by status and reputation. Before I became a team leader, I would always discuss work and talk through problems with everybody. I thought that since we were all brothers and sisters, we all had more or less similar stature, and so I didn’t worry about what others thought of me and was able to be open and free. But as soon as I became a team leader, I suddenly thought that since I had a higher status than my brothers and sisters, my job could only be done well if I understood more of the truth than them, and knew how to resolve the problems and difficulties they had. Before I even attended a gathering, I worried that if I couldn’t resolve my brothers’ and sisters’ problems, they’d look down on me. To avoid making a fool out of myself in front of them, I didn’t even dare attend any gatherings. I was deeply anguished and distressed. I put myself on a pedestal and couldn’t let go of my status. Reflecting on this, I realized that I was too preoccupied with my reputation and status. I was always trying to look good in front of everyone and as soon as I was in danger of having my weaknesses exposed and losing face, I would package and disguise myself. I took my promotion as a sign of status, not as a duty and responsibility. I wanted to use status to build myself up and win the admiration of my brothers and sisters. I was so lowly and shameful! So, I prayed to God in my heart, telling Him I was willing to rebel against these bad intentions and notions. Then, a passage of God’s word came to mind: “When God requires that people fulfill their duty well, He is not asking them to complete a certain number of tasks or accomplish any great endeavors, nor to perform any great undertakings. What God wants is for people to be able to do all they can in a down-to-earth way, and live in accordance with His words. God does not need you to be great or noble, or bring about any miracles, nor does He want to see any pleasant surprises in you. He does not need such things. All God needs is for you to steadfastly practice according to His words. When you listen to God’s words, do what you have understood, carry out what you have comprehended, remember well what you have heard, and then, when the time comes to practice, do so according to God’s words. Let them become your life, your realities, and what you live out. Thus, God will be satisfied. … Performing your duty isn’t actually difficult, nor is it hard to do so loyally, and to an acceptable standard. You don’t have to sacrifice your life or do anything special or difficult, you merely have to follow the words and instructions of God honestly and steadfastly, not adding your own ideas or running your own operation, but walking the path of pursuing the truth. If people can do this, they will basically have a human semblance. When they have true submission to God, and have become an honest person, they will possess the likeness of a true human being” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Proper Fulfillment of Duty Requires Harmonious Cooperation). Through God’s words, I saw that God doesn’t ask that much of us—He doesn’t demand a certain amount of work or accomplishments, or that we become some kind of omnipotent superhuman. He just wants us to be true created beings, practically doing our duties according to His demands. When the church arranged for me to be a team leader, it was not to let me chase after reputation and status, but to let me undertake a responsibility. I should practically pursue the truth in doing my duty. If I met with any difficulty, I should take it upon myself to pray to God and rely on Him to find a path of resolution. In gatherings with brothers and sisters, I should only fellowship as much as I understand, and, if I was unclear on something, I should just be artless and open with them and seek a solution together. Only then could I gain God’s guidance. Once I understood God’s intention, I had the confidence to take on my duty. During gatherings with my brothers and sisters, I consciously prayed to God, didn’t worry about face or status, and was able to be open about my corruption with my brothers and sisters. During discussions of the work, I could feel the enlightenment and guidance of the Holy Spirit and was able to discover some problems. I was also able to apply that guidance to real situations and make suggestions. I still had a lot of flaws and inadequacies, but I found some ways forward through discussion with everybody. I saw that if I had the right intention, stood in my right position, and did my duty in an honest and straightforward manner according to God’s demands, it would be easier to gain His guidance.

Three months later, I was put in charge of a few more groups. The mere thought of fellowshipping for so many brothers and sisters to resolve problems at gatherings made me feel so nervous again. Each group had a different situation, and I’d never met any of the brothers and sisters in these groups and wasn’t acquainted with their situations. If I went and wasn’t able to resolve their problems or difficulties, would they look down on me and say I couldn’t resolve real problems and wasn’t cut out to be a team leader? To gain everyone’s approval, I spent more time reading God’s words to equip myself with truth, but when it came time for the gathering, I was still a nervous wreck. Early on, when I went to a group to attend a gathering, I was extremely anxious and all my facial muscles tightened up. I didn’t want my brothers and sisters to notice, so I pretended that I was calmly looking up God’s words on the computer, but in my heart I was frantically praying to God, beseeching Him to help me calm down. I asked a few brothers and sisters about their states and difficulties, and after fellowshipping I realized that everyone had a different problem, and would need fellowship with different passages of God’s words. This really threw me off—if I couldn’t find appropriate words of God to resolve everyone’s problems, it would be a very dull gathering. How awkward! The more nervous I became, the less clearly I could think. A lot of time went by and I still couldn’t find an appropriate passage of God’s words. Actually, I wanted to open up in fellowship with my brothers and sisters and search together, but I also worried that I’d make a fool out of myself if news got out that I, a team leader, couldn’t resolve everyone’s problems and difficulties. Thinking of these, I just couldn’t get myself to open up and finally could only randomly select a few passages of God’s words and forced myself to share some literal understanding that wasn’t really relevant to my brothers’ and sisters’ states. The atmosphere at that time was terribly awkward. The gathering was a failure and ended like that. I returned from the gathering to hear my partnered sister excitedly fellowshipping about her takeaway from a different group gathering, but I was all frowns and felt so distressed I could barely catch a breath. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I wasn’t up to being a team leader, and I just wanted to give up on my duty. In utter misery, I prayed over and over again to God, “Dear God! I feel so miserable. I’m always so preoccupied with status and reputation, I don’t know how I should do this duty, nor do I have the will to strive harder. I pray that You guide me to understand myself and extricate myself from this negative state.”

In my seeking, I found a passage of God’s words that exposes the nature essence of antichrists and was deeply moved. God’s words say: “For antichrists, status and reputation are their life. No matter how they live, no matter what environment they live in, no matter what work they do, no matter what they pursue, what their goals are, what their life’s direction is, it all revolves around having a good reputation and a high status. And this aim does not change; they can never put aside such things. This is the true face of antichrists, and their essence. You could put them in a primeval forest deep in the mountains, and still they would not put aside their pursuit of reputation and status. You can put them among any group of people, and all they can think about is still reputation and status. Although antichrists also believe in God, they see the pursuit of reputation and status as equivalent to faith in God and give it equal weight. Which is to say, as they walk the path of faith in God, they also pursue their own reputation and status. It can be said that in antichrists’ hearts, they believe that pursuit of the truth in their faith in God is the pursuit of reputation and status; the pursuit of reputation and status is also the pursuit of the truth, and to gain reputation and status is to gain the truth and life. If they feel that they have no reputation, gains, or status, that no one admires them, or esteems them, or follows them, then they are very disappointed, they believe there is no point in believing in God, no value to it, and they say to themselves, ‘Is such faith in god a failure? Is it hopeless?’ They often deliberate such things in their hearts, they deliberate how they can carve a place out for themselves in the house of God, how they can have a lofty reputation in the church, so that people listen when they talk, and support them when they act, and follow them wherever they go; so that they have the final say in the church, and fame, gain, and status—they really focus on such things in their hearts. These are what such people pursue” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). I compared this with my own state and behavior and saw how obsessed I was with reputation and status. I always wanted to make a name for myself and feel recognized. In doing my duty, I was only concerned with winning admiration and building up my own image. What I had shown was an antichrist’s disposition. From the moment I was promoted to a team leader, I began thinking of myself as someone with status—I put myself on a pedestal and was worried anytime if I was called to go to a gathering and was so afraid that if I couldn’t resolve real issues, I would lose the respect of my brothers and sisters as well as my status of being a team leader. When dealing with my brothers’ and sisters’ issues, I didn’t know which passages of God’s words to use to resolve them and I wasn’t willing to open up and be honest, to seek and fellowship together. In order to safeguard my own status, I disguised myself, giving forced talk of words and doctrines to make things less awkward without considering if I had really resolved my brothers’ and sisters’ difficulties. And so the gatherings were all ineffective. I didn’t reflect on myself when these issues came up, but even became negative and wanted to quit when I lost face. I was so lacking in humanity! Having realized all this, I felt so regretful and so I prayed to God in my heart and was willing to repent and transform.

Later, I also saw this passage of God’s words: “In sum, regardless of what the direction or target of your pursuit is, if you do not reflect on the pursuit of status and reputation, and if you find it very difficult to put these things aside, then they will affect your life entry. As long as status has a place in your heart, it will totally control and influence your life’s direction and the goals you strive for, in which case it will be very difficult for you to enter the truth reality, to say nothing of achieving changes in your disposition; whether you are ultimately able to gain God’s approval, of course, goes without saying. What’s more, if you are never able to put aside your pursuit of status, this will affect your ability to adequately do your duty, which will make it very difficult for you to become an acceptable created being. Why do I say this? God loathes nothing more than when people pursue status, because the pursuit of status is a satanic disposition, it is a wrong path, it is born of the corruption of Satan, it is something condemned by God, and it is the very thing that God judges and purifies. God loathes nothing more than when people pursue status, and yet you still mulishly compete for status, you unfailingly cherish and protect it, always trying to take it for yourself. And in nature, is all of this not antagonistic to God? Status is not ordained for people by God; God provides people with the truth, the way, and the life, and ultimately makes them become an acceptable created being, a small and insignificant created being—not someone who has status and prestige and is revered by thousands of people. And so, no matter what perspective it is viewed from, the pursuit of status is a dead end” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). The severity of God’s words made me very scared. I realized that nothing disgusts God more than people pursuing status. If one didn’t repent, it would eventually lead to personal harm and ruin. I had believed in God for many years, and had enjoyed so much of God’s grace and the watering and supplying of His words. Today God was gracious to me and gave me this burden, and allowed me to seek more truth principles through performing my duty so that I could understand the truth, and gain life entry. But I never considered how I should pursue the truth to repay God’s love. I only ever considered my own fame, gain and status. I was completely lacking in conscience and reason! In order to save deeply corrupted humanity, God was incarnated and came to this world, suffering untold humiliation. God is supreme and great, but He is never self-aggrandizing. He just quietly goes about expressing the truth and judging and cleansing our corrupt dispositions, so that we can cast off our filth and gain His salvation. I saw how humble and lovable God is. I am just a miniscule created being, full of filth and corruption, and yet I was always trying to build up my image to get people’s respect. I was so insufferably arrogant, conceited, and shameless. I also thought of Paul, who liked to preach and do work to earn the admiration and respect of others. In his many years of belief, he never sought to transform his disposition, only ever striving for status, rewards and crown. He even claimed that to him to live was Christ, and vainly attempted to take God’s place in people’s hearts. Paul was walking the God-resisting path of an antichrist and eventually offended God’s disposition and was cast down by Him into hell to suffer eternal punishment. If I did not turn myself around, I would suffer the same fate as Paul. Once I was aware of these, I prayed to God to repent, asking that He guide me to find the right path of practice.

One day, I read a passage of God’s words, which says: “Letting go of reputation and status isn’t easy—it depends on people pursuing the truth. Only by understanding the truth can one come to know oneself, see clearly the emptiness of seeking fame, gain and status, and see clearly the truth of mankind’s corruption. Only when a person truly comes to know themselves can they abandon status and reputation. It’s not easy to cast off one’s corrupt disposition. If you have recognized that you lack the truth, are beset with deficiencies, and reveal too much corruption, yet you put no effort into pursuing the truth, and you disguise yourself and engage in hypocrisy, leading people to believe that you can do anything, then this will put you in danger—and sooner or later, there will come a time when you will hit a roadblock and fall. You must admit that you don’t have the truth, and be brave enough to face reality. You have weaknesses, reveal corruption, and are beset with all manner of inadequacies. This is normal, because you’re a regular person, you’re not superhuman or omnipotent, and you must recognize that. When other people scorn or satirize you, don’t immediately react with antipathy because what they say is unpleasant, or resist it because you believe yourself to be capable and perfect—this shouldn’t be your attitude toward such words. What should your attitude be? You should say to yourself, ‘I have my faults, everything about me is corrupt and flawed, and I’m simply an ordinary person. Their scorn and satirizing of me notwithstanding, is there any truth to it? If part of what they say is true, then I must accept it from God.’ If you have this attitude, it is proof that you are capable of handling status, reputation, and what other people say about you correctly. … When you have the constant thought and desire to compete for status, then you must realize what bad things this kind of state will lead to if left unsolved. So waste no time in searching for the truth, overcome your desire to compete for status while it is in the nascent stage, and replace it with practicing the truth. When you practice the truth, your desire and ambition to compete for status will be diminished, and you will not disturb the work of the church. In this way, your actions will be remembered and approved of by God” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). Through reading God’s words, I realized I’m just a person that’s been corrupted by Satan, so it’s normal that I have flaws and inadequacies. God has never demanded that I be the best worker, have excellent caliber and stature, or become a towering and perfect person. He just wishes for me to have a pure, honest heart, to earnestly pursue the truth and walk the path of fearing God and shunning evil. I also understood that in God’s house there is no distinction between high and low status, and that church leaders and workers and team leaders were only established because they are necessary for the work, but no matter what work we do, we’re all just created beings doing our duties. Just because I was a team leader didn’t necessarily mean that I had the truth reality, but I always demanded myself that I get to the bottom of every issue and resolve every problem. This was really impractical and resulted from my arrogance and me not understanding myself. The brothers and sisters and I should learn from each other and we should seek the truth together to resolve any problems and difficulties we encounter while doing our duties. If I didn’t understand something, I shouldn’t put on a false front or wrap myself up—I should bravely open up about my inadequacies and seek with my brothers and sisters. Only then could I do my duties even better.

Once, there were a few brothers and sisters living in negativity and I needed to gather and fellowship with them. At first I was a little nervous. I worried about what they’d think of me if I didn’t fellowship well, and so I wanted to equip myself ahead of time at home by finding relevant passages of God’s words, thinking that this way, I could handle their problems more easily during the gathering and win everyone’s respect. Then I realized that I had the wrong intention in doing my duty. I only wanted to resolve all of my brothers’ and sisters’ problems so that I could earn their admiration and respect—I was still working for reputation and status. So I prayed to God in my heart, asking Him to help me rebel against my incorrect intentions. I read a passage of God’s words that said: “For the Holy Spirit to work within a person and transform their various negative states, that person must actively cooperate and seek, at times suffering, paying a price, renouncing things, and rebelling against the flesh, reversing their course step-by-step. It takes a long time for this to get results, and for them to set foot on the right path—but it only takes seconds for God to reveal someone. If you do not perform your duty well, but always try to distinguish yourself, and always try to compete for status, to stand out and shine, fighting for your reputation and interests, then while living in this state, are you not just a laborer? You can labor if you want to, but it is possible that you will be revealed before your laboring is done. When people are revealed, their day of being condemned and eliminated arrives. Is it possible to reverse that outcome? It is not easy; it could be that God has already determined their outcome, in which case, they are in trouble” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). While reflecting on God’s words, I realized that if my intention was to use gatherings and fellowship to show off myself and garner admiration, and not to resolve the problems and difficulties of my brothers and sisters, then I was still walking a God-resisting path. Even if I attended a gathering, I wouldn’t have God’s enlightenment or guidance and the gathering would be ineffective. Realizing this, I prayed to God in my heart and corrected my intention. When it was time to share during the gathering, I fellowshipped with brothers and sisters based on the relevant words of God. I no longer disguised myself and only fellowshipped on what I understood, and my brothers and sisters also discussed their understanding. Together, we found a path of practice through our fellowship and our states improved. I felt very relaxed. I saw how by letting go of my concern for status and reputation and doing my duties in one accord with my brothers and sisters, I could gain God’s guidance.

Through experiencing the judgment and revelation of God’s words during that period of time, I’ve finally begun to know myself and my intention and attitude in doing my duty have undergone some changes. I now clearly see that chasing after reputation, status and the respect and admiration of others has no meaning or value—it only brings harm. Only focusing on practicing the truth, seeking dispositional change, and doing one’s duty in a way that is up to standard to satisfy God are proper pursuits.