By Marion, USA

I’m in charge of watering new believers in the church. Some new believers joined not too long ago, and I saw that a few of them didn’t talk much in gatherings and weren’t coming regularly. They only came when they felt like it. When I reached out for individual fellowship, they liked talking about how to make money and build up a family fortune, but as soon as faith came up, they found excuses to get off the call. I felt like they weren’t interested in the truth and didn’t seem like true believers. But I wasn’t entirely sure since they were new to the faith, so I kept on supporting them. They were still that way after some time passed and slowly stopped attending gatherings. Only then did I tell the leader about their situations. She asked me, “How have you been watering them? They attended normally when they were with other waterers, so how come things are different now they’re with you? Have you really fulfilled your responsibilities and fellowshipped clearly? If new believers don’t gather regularly on account of us doing our duty perfunctorily, then the responsibility is ours alone.” I knew she was saying that out of her own sense of responsibility for the work, but I couldn’t stop thinking up justifications. “Everyone can change,” I thought to myself. “Just because the new believers attended regularly before didn’t mean they always will. Besides, they weren’t gathering regularly when I first met them, so this isn’t a sudden change. I just wanted to water them for a little while and see how things went, which is why I didn’t tell you right away. If you called me to account for them not attending, I’d have to bear the consequences, and I might be pruned or even dismissed. If I’d known that to begin with, I would’ve talked to her about it earlier so I wouldn’t have to take all the responsibility.” The leader didn’t hold me accountable for this, once she’d looked into it, but after that I couldn’t help being alert to this in my interactions with new believers. If I saw that one of them had a problem or wasn’t coming to gatherings, I’d rush to tell the leader. Sometimes the leader asked me what my point was and if I intended to stop watering them. I’d say, “No, you’re the leader. I just wanted you to know what’s going on with the new believers.” She wouldn’t add anything after I said that. Sometimes after I told her about this, she said to keep watering them for a bit and if they really didn’t want to gather, then they couldn’t be forced and we’d just have to give up on them. I’d totally agree, and think, “Now that the leader knows about the situation with the new believers, all I need to do is offer support. If the support works then so much the better, and if not, and the new believers don’t want to attend anymore, then it shouldn’t come as a surprise and the leader wouldn’t say I’d been irresponsible in my duty.” With that in mind, I stopped being so attentive in my duty. Every day, I just watered in the routine way. Whenever I called a new believer, I’d fellowship for a bit if they answered, and not worry about it if they didn’t. I thought there was nothing I could do if they didn’t answer, and I didn’t think about what I could be doing to help resolve their issues. In a gathering later, the leader said that when inquiring about watering work from then on, while listening to what waterers said about the new believers’ situations, she would also wish to know what aspects of the truth the waterers had fellowshipped with them and specifically how they supported them. On that basis, she would gauge whether waterers were doing real work. If a waterer wasn’t putting their heart into fellowshipping on the truth with new believers, and this led to them not attending regularly or even dropping out, then it would be the waterer’s responsibility. When I heard that I thought about how, when fellowshipping with new believers, I didn’t note down which words of God I read or what truths I fellowshipped on. It meant I’d have no proof of the work if a new believer stopped attending gatherings. Would the leader think I wasn’t doing any real work and that I was irresponsible in watering, and then prune me? So, I started paying more attention to sending messages and words of God to new believers, and keeping a record of what we discussed each time I fellowshipped with a new believer. Sometimes a new believer didn’t respond when I sent them a message, but I wasn’t too bothered. I figured that I’d sent them all the words of God I should have and fellowshipped on what I needed to. If they stopped going to gatherings, the leader could see my records and probably wouldn’t call me irresponsible.

After some time, the leader noticed that a few of the new believers still didn’t want to gather, and asked how I’d watered them. I readily showed my notes to her, thinking, “It’s lucky I’ve prepared and kept records. Otherwise I wouldn’t have anything concrete to show and then who knows what the leader would say to me then.” While I was congratulating myself, the leader said, “I can’t see any problems from these notes, but several new believers have stopped attending gatherings one after another so there must be an issue with your work. I can’t see clearly what that may be right now, but in our exchanges recently you’ve talked a lot about issues with the new believers, which is a little out of the ordinary. You need to ask yourself where the problem lies. If new believers are withdrawing from the church and leaving the faith on account of you doing a perfunctory job and not watering them well, that’s a matter of you being irresponsible and not properly doing your duty.” What she said came as a real blow. I was stunned. I was afraid that if problems with me were causing new believers to drop out, that was doing evil. So, I prayed to God, “God, it was with Your permission that the leader surprised me with this today, so there must be a lesson for me to learn. I don’t wish harm to come to these new believers because of my issues, but I’m feeling numb about it and don’t know where my problem lies. Please enlighten and guide me to know myself and make timely changes.”

Over the next few days, I prayed a lot to God about this. Then one day, I read an experiential testimony article with a passage of God’s words that moved me. God says: “You should examine yourself carefully to see whether you are a correct person. Are your goals and intentions made with Me in mind? Are all your words and actions said and done in My presence? I examine all of your thoughts and ideas. Do you not feel guilty? You put on a false front for others to see and you calmly assume an air of self-righteousness; you do this to shield yourself. You do this to conceal your evil, and you even think up ways to push that evil onto someone else. What deceitfulness dwells in your heart!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 13). God’s words expose that people will lie and put on an act to push responsibility onto others, in order to protect their interests and cover up their evildoing, and in this way protect themselves. It is deceitful behavior. I felt like my own state was exposed by these words. I began to self-reflect, asking why I was always telling the leader about problems with the new believers. Whenever I saw someone had issues or wasn’t coming to gatherings, I rushed to tell the leader. It looked like I was just sharing the facts, but in fact I had personal goals and intentions. I was afraid the leader would hold me responsible or even dismiss me if someone stopped attending, so I quickly preempted that by sharing the new believer’s problems, giving the leader the false impression that the new believer was no good and that I wasn’t responsible. If I couldn’t adequately support them and they stopped attending, that was their problem. That way my hands would be totally clean. If, afterward, they wanted to go to gatherings again, I could claim credit. At this point in my self-reflection, I felt startled. I’d never thought that I concealed such vile, despicable motives in my words. I was so deceitful!

Later, I wondered how I could have unconsciously slipped into doing something so dishonest and deceitful. I’d only begun understanding myself a little bit by reading God’s words exposing people’s corrupt dispositions, during my reflections. God says: “The wickedness of antichrists has one obvious characteristic, and I will share with you the secret of discerning it: It is that in their speech and action alike, you cannot fathom their depths or see into their hearts. When they speak to you, their eyes always swivel around, and you cannot tell what sort of scheme they are hatching. Sometimes, they make you feel that they are loyal or quite sincere, but this is not the case—you can never see through them. You have a particular feeling in your heart, a sense that there is a deep subtlety to their thoughts, an unfathomable depth, that they are devious” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Seven: They Are Wicked, Insidious, and Deceitful (Part Two)). “Antichrists are devious in their behavior. How are they devious? They behave always in a way that depends on trickery, and their words give nothing away, so it is hard for people to fathom their intentions and goals. That is devious. They do not come to conclusions easily in anything they say or do; they make it so that their subordinates and listeners can sense their intent, and those people, having understood the antichrist, act according to their agenda and motivations and carry out their orders. If a task is completed, the antichrist is happy. If it is not, no one can find anything to hold against them, or fathom the motivations, intentions, or goals behind what they do. The deviousness of what antichrists do lies in hidden plots and secret goals, all meant to deceive, toy with, and control everyone else. This is the essence of devious behavior. Deviousness is not simple lying or doing something bad; instead, it involves bigger intents and goals, which are unfathomable to ordinary people. If you have done something you do not want anyone to know about, and tell a lie, does that count as deviousness? (No.) That is just deceitfulness, and it does not rise to the level of deviousness. What makes deviousness deeper than deceitfulness? (People cannot fathom it.) It is difficult for people to fathom it. That is one part of it. What else? (People do not have anything to hold against a devious person.) That is right. The point is that it is hard for people to find anything to hold against them. Even if some people know that person has done bad things, they cannot determine whether they are a good person or a bad person, an evil person or an antichrist. People cannot see through them, but think they are good, and can be misled by them. That is deviousness. People are prone in general to telling lies and hatching little plots. That is just deceitfulness. But antichrists are more insidious than common deceitful people. They are like the devil kings; no one can fathom what they do. They can do many evil things in the name of justice, and they harm people, but people still sing their praises. This is called deviousness” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Six). I saw from God’s words that antichrists have a wicked disposition and do things in devious ways. It’s different from displaying the corruption of deceitfulness. Being deceitful means clearly telling lies and deceiving, and it’s easy to see. Doing things deviously means hiding one’s personal intentions, goals, and agenda very deeply, creating a false impression so that others can’t see any problem with what they say and do. And even if others do feel there’s a problem, they can’t find anything to hold against them. It is very difficult for people to fathom them. That’s how a devious person misleads people and achieves their secret objectives. Examining myself in light of God’s words, I saw that while I quickly and proactively spoke with the leader about new believers, giving the false impression that I had a sense of burden with my duty and was happy to accept her supervision, I was in fact reflecting the issues with the new believers to prime her to have a negative impression of the new believers who weren’t attending regularly. That way, if a new believer stopped attending gatherings someday, she wouldn’t hold me accountable for it. Also, when the leader wanted to know about my work in detail, there appeared to be no issues with the content of my fellowshipping. I’d arranged times to fellowship with the new believers and had been sending them words of God, so the leader would see me as diligent and loving toward them. But in reality I knew I wasn’t at all sincere in my fellowship with new believers. I reluctantly went through the motions because I knew the leader would review work records and I would need to account for her. Thinking back on it, I even used various tactics, misdirecting others when I spoke and carefully giving nothing away when I did things, so as to not be held accountable, and protect my status and future. Clearly, my heart wasn’t in my duty, and this had led some new believers to stop attending regularly. The leader also felt like there were problems in my duty, but she didn’t know what they were and couldn’t find evidence to hold me accountable. I was so good at misleading people. I never previously linked the way I behaved and acted with being devious. I always thought that it was mostly older people with long experience who are shrewd, calculating, and devious, whereas I was young, without much experience or a complicated mindset. Calling my behavior devious didn’t seem to fit. Yet the facts showed clearly that I had the wicked disposition of antichrists. Then, something else occurred to me. There was a new believer who often asked questions and was very forthright. If she didn’t understand what I fellowshipped during a gathering, she’d directly contradict what I said, which was embarrassing. To save face I didn’t want to be in gatherings with her anymore, but I couldn’t say so openly because I was afraid the leader would prune me. I wanted to find a way to foist her onto another waterer. On one occasion, the new believer casually mentioned that there were fewer people in this group, compared with her previous one. I used the opportunity to tell the leader that she thought our gathering was too small, and that she liked larger groups, and asked the leader to put her into a different one. The leader arranged it right away. In this way, I managed to get the new believer out of my group. The leader even thought, mistakenly, that I had a sense of burden for the duty and was thinking of the new believer. I really was deceitful and wicked, and given to fooling others.

Later I ate and drank more of God’s words about my state. I read these words: “Let Me tell you, what God despises the most and wants to give up on are these kinds of intransigent people. They are fully aware of their wrongdoings but do not repent, they never admit their faults and always make excuses and arguments to justify themselves and deflect blame, and they try to find smooth and evasive ways around the issue, shielding their actions from others’ eyes, and making continuous mistakes without the slightest degree of repentance or confession in their hearts. Such a person is very troublesome, and it is not easy for them to achieve salvation. They are the very people that God wants to abandon” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. In Believing in God, What Is Most Important Is to Practice and Experience His Words). Thinking this over, I realized that no matter what happens, the key thing is to accept the truth. The kind of person who won’t own up to making a mistake in their duty, and keeps on justifying or covering up for themselves even when pruned, doesn’t remotely accept the truth. To God, they are repugnant and detestable. I thought about how the church had assigned me as a waterer, and that I ought to help and support new believers with love and patience, fellowshipping clearly on the truths of visions and helping them quickly establish themselves on the true way. I fully understood that some new believers weren’t able to attend gatherings regularly, and that responsibility rested with me, but when the leader inquired about it and pruned me I didn’t accept this from God or accept the leader’s reproach and reminder. Instead of thinking right away about how to support new believers, I started being calculating, slippery, and devious to cover up for not properly doing my duty. I was keeping the leader in the dark so she wouldn’t find out about the issues and deviations in my work. I felt smug about getting away with this, and reveled in my own cleverness. But now I understood, from God’s words, that in fact God knew all about my furtive machinations and petty tricks. There was no hiding them. The issues with how I did my duty were bound to come to light. If not for the leader alerting me, I wouldn’t have known to self-reflect, much less have wished to repent. I was truly numb. I didn’t accept the truth, or summarize and rectify the deviations and problems in my work. I thought only about pulling the wool over the leader’s eyes to save face and protect my status. I was slippery, and devious, to cover up for the reality that I wasn’t doing my duty well. I didn’t put my heart into watering new believers and helping to tackle their problems and difficulties, and as a result some of them didn’t have their problems resolved for a long time. Even now, some of them weren’t attending gatherings regularly. What particularly scared me afterward was that the new believer I had pushed into a different group didn’t want to attend gatherings anymore because she wasn’t used to the sudden change of waterer. Other brothers and sisters had to fellowship with her, patiently and for a long time, before she agreed to come back to gatherings. It was really upsetting to think about how I’d been and what I’d done. It is not easy for every new believer to accept God’s work of the last days, and it requires a lot of painstaking effort on their behalf. But I had been so lax about this. I was doing evil. If not for the leader’s alert and pruning, I wouldn’t have realized how close I was to the edge. I didn’t want to keep living according to the wicked disposition of an antichrist. I wanted to step off that evil path and repent to God.

Just when I gained some knowledge, the leader asked me about my recent state. I told her about what I’d come to realize through self-reflection. She sent me a passage of God’s words. God says: “Practicing honesty covers many aspects. In other words, the standard for being honest is not merely achieved through one regard; you must be up to standard in many regards before you can be honest. Some people always think that they need only manage not to lie in order to be honest. Is this view correct? Does being honest merely involve not lying? No—it also relates to several other aspects. Firstly, no matter what you are faced with, be it something you have seen with your own eyes or something someone else has told you, be it interacting with people or sorting out a problem, be it the duty you ought to be performing or something that God has entrusted to you, you must always approach it with an honest heart. How should one practice approaching things with an honest heart? Say what you think and speak honestly; do not speak empty, pompous, or pleasant-sounding words, do not say flattering or hypocritical false things, but speak the words that are in your heart. This is being someone honest. Expressing the true thoughts and views that are in your heart—this is what honest people are supposed to do. If you never say what you think, and the words fester in your heart, and what you say is always at odds with what you think, that is not what an honest person does. For example, suppose that you do not perform your duty well, and when people ask what is going on, you say, ‘I want to do my duty well, but for various reasons, I have not.’ Actually, you know in your heart that you were not diligent, but you do not tell the truth. Instead you find all kinds of reasons, justifications, and excuses to cover up the facts and to avoid responsibility. Is that what an honest person does? (No.) You fool people and muddle through by saying these things. But the essence of what is inside you, of the intentions within you, is a corrupt disposition. If you cannot bring the things and intentions within you out into the open and dissect them, they cannot be purified—and that is no small matter! You must speak truthfully, ‘I’ve been procrastinating a bit in doing my duty. I have been perfunctory and inattentive. When I’m in a good mood, I can give a little effort. When I’m in a bad mood, I slack off and don’t want to put in the effort, and covet the comforts of the flesh. So, my attempts to do my duty are ineffective. The situation has been turning around these past few days, and I’m trying to give my all, improve my efficiency, and perform my duty well.’ This is speaking from the heart. The other way of speaking was not from the heart. Due to your fear of being pruned, of people discovering your problems, and of people holding you accountable, you found all kinds of reasons, justifications, and excuses to cover up the facts, first getting other people to stop talking about the situation, then shifting responsibility, in order to avoid being pruned. This is the source of your lies. No matter how much liars talk, some of what they say is sure to be truth and factual. But some key things they say will contain a bit of falsity and a bit of their motive. So, it is very important to discern and differentiate what is true and what is false. This is not easy to do, however. Some of what they say will be tainted and embellished, some of what they say will accord with the facts, and some of what they say will contradict the facts; with fact and fiction thus muddled, it is hard to distinguish the true from the false. This is the most deceitful kind of person, and the most difficult to identify. If they cannot accept the truth or practice honesty, they will definitely be eliminated. Which is the path that people should choose, then? Which one is the way to practice honesty? You should learn to speak the truth and be able to fellowship openly about your real states and problems. That is how honest people practice, and such practice is correct” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only an Honest Person Can Live Out True Human Likeness). Reading this passage of God’s words was really touching for me. God knows us so well. He knows we’ll all have problems and deviations in our duties. It’s inevitable. But the key is what type of attitude someone has when problems come up. Are they truthful, honestly admitting and correcting an error, or do they try to justify themselves and engage in deception to cover up the problem? I used to live by my satanic disposition. I was deceitful and duplicitous, and heading down the wrong road. I couldn’t keep on that way. I wanted to be an honest person and accept God’s scrutiny. No matter what deviations or problems came up in my duty, or if the leader inquired about my work, I had to face it with sincerity and deal with it honestly, being truthful and saying whatever was in my heart. I needed to tell it like it was, and be straight up about it if there was something I’d neglected to do, rather than lying or trying to argue my way out. In addition to speaking honestly, I wanted to practice regularly reflecting on the intentions underlying my words and actions, and change them straightaway if they weren’t right. I had to stop hoodwinking people to protect my own interests.

One day, I noticed that a new believer had missed several consecutive gatherings. I called him a few times, but he didn’t pick up and wasn’t responding to messages. I didn’t know what was going on with him. I couldn’t help worrying that he would stop coming to gatherings and wondered if I should mention it to the leader so that she wouldn’t hold me accountable if he stopped attending someday. At that thought, I realized my old issue of being tricky was making a reappearance. Then I remembered a passage of God’s words: “You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). It’s true. God scrutinizes our innermost hearts. I may be able to fool people with my devious ploys, but God scrutinizes everything as clear as day, and He will reveal everything in the end. I was doing my duty to satisfy God, not working for any individual. I didn’t need to play games and cover up for myself in front of people. Like in the past, there had been new believers who I’d done my best to support but who still wouldn’t attend gatherings or show an interest in faith and the truth. When the leader understood the real situation, she determined that they weren’t true believers and therefore didn’t hold me to account. I could see that the church has principles in how it treats people. There was no need to cleverly absolve myself of responsibility or contrive a way out. I’d lived by my satanic disposition before and hadn’t properly performed my duty. This time I couldn’t just muddle through. I had to get my heart in the right place and fulfill my responsibilities. I quietly prayed to God, ready to change and do whatever I could to help and support the new believers. If I fellowshipped on all the truths that I ought to, and still they didn’t want to attend gatherings, then I could face that squarely and give the leader an honest picture of the situation. After changing my mentality, I contacted that new believer again and was surprised when he responded quickly, saying he’d been busy with work and was really tired, which was why he hadn’t been at gatherings. I fellowshipped with him using God’s words, and from these he understood God’s intention and found a path of practice, and started attending regularly again. After that, whenever new believers weren’t able to attend gatherings regularly, I did my utmost to support and help them, and fellowshipped with them on God’s words. It was with a sincere heart that I supported them. Subsequently, most of the new believers I watered were able to attend gatherings regularly. Practicing in this way makes me feel at ease and at peace. Thanks be to God!