By Mi Jing, China

When I was a child, because I didn’t like talking or greeting people, my parents would often say to their relatives and friends, “Something’s wrong with this kid. She must be slow.” Adults would also say things like, “Look how sharp and charming your sister is, but you, you’re as dull as they come.” Gradually, I began to feel worthless, the lowest of the low. I didn’t dare say anything in classes either, because I was afraid of others laughing at me for saying stupid things. I was so envious of people who were eloquent and quick-witted, and I thought everyone liked people like this.

When I joined the faith, I was initially really nervous to fellowship on God’s words in gatherings, afraid that I wouldn’t fellowship well and that the others would laugh at me, so I didn’t say much at gatherings. But brothers and sisters would often encourage me to fellowship more, and when they opened up and fellowshipped on their experience and understanding, I saw that nobody laughed at anybody. This made me feel less constrained, so I started talking more. Later on, I was elected as a preacher to be in charge of several churches. This came as a real surprise to me. I felt that for someone as inarticulate as me to be a preacher was God’s grace. I had to do this job as best as I could and live up to God’s expectations for me. One time, a leader arranged for me and two other preachers to gather with her. I saw that the other preachers were very enlightened in their fellowshipping of God’s words and that they spoke in such a logical way. I was so envious of them. I thought, “Next to their caliber and eloquence, I don’t even compare. Why am I so dull? I can’t even speak well.” These thoughts made me feel a little despondent. Although I had achieved some enlightenment when pondering God’s words, when I thought about how bad I was at organizing my speech, I feared being laughed at, so I didn’t dare fellowship. On top of that, I later ran into some difficulties with work, so I ended up living in a negative state, determined that I was no good and that I couldn’t do this duty well. The work also wasn’t getting good results. After a while, I was transferred from this duty, and put in charge of just one church.

When I first started working with the two sisters from this church, I didn’t feel that I was doing too bad. I was pretty active in my duty and able to feel the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment and guidance. Not long after, one sister chose to resign because she couldn’t complete any real work and the other sister was transferred to another duty because she was lacking in caliber. After this, Brother Zhang Tong and Sister An Qing were chosen to be my partners. I found the way Zhang Tong fellowshipped about his experiential knowledge was very practical and clear, and that he had good caliber. An Qing was also able to resolve real problems with her fellowship at gatherings. Looking at their strengths, I felt deeply inferior. Later on, during work discussions, I found myself being constantly overcautious and I’d just go along with whatever they said. Sometimes I felt their views were unsuitable, and wanted to point them out, but I’d immediately think about my poor caliber and lack of perceptiveness, so I would dismiss my own opinion. Also, on several occasions, they didn’t approve of my views, reinforcing my feelings of inadequacy and causing me to express myself even less. I was even passive in some key tasks, because I was worried about delaying work if I did a bad job. One time, Zhang Tong proposed putting Sister Zhang Can in charge of watering work. I knew Zhang Can pretty well. She was consistently perfunctory and lacked a burden in her duty, and had been dismissed before for not doing real work. She still had no knowledge of herself and was not suited to take charge of such an important job. In a quiet voice, I put forward my views. Zhang Tong went to meet with Zhang Can after hearing this. Then he told me he’d assessed the situation and found that Zhang Can had some self-reflection and self-knowledge now, and that we had to look at people’s potential, not just their past. An Qing endorsed this view of his. I felt that Zhang Tong hadn’t been a leader for long, still didn’t grasp some principles, and didn’t know Zhang Can that well. He was judging her by just one meeting, and may not have made an accurate assessment. I wanted to recommend that he examine how she had been doing her duty or reassess her after talking to others who knew her well. But I then thought, “Zhang Tong has good caliber and has been able to solve some problems. Perhaps Zhang Can has realized her problems after his fellowship. And An Qing has given her approval as well. I’m lacking in caliber and don’t see things as clearly; it’s best I keep quiet.” So, I didn’t insist any further. Later on, Zhang Can was dismissed again for not doing real work. Seeing that the watering work was delayed and impacted, I was pretty upset. If I’d just been more insistent in the beginning and drawn on principles to fellowship with Zhang Tong, we wouldn’t have had this type of problem. Though I felt guilty, I didn’t reflect on my problem. It wasn’t until a few more things happened that I finally reflected on myself.

At a gathering, Zhang Tong recommended Brother Zheng Yi as the watering group leader. I felt that although Zheng Yi was enthusiastic, he had just joined the faith and was still unclear on the truth of visions. I felt that he should be cultivated first, as being a group leader might be too much responsibility all at once. So, I stated my views on the matter, but to my surprise, Zhang Tong then said to me, “Why are you being so difficult and obstructive? Can’t we first meet him and investigate him?” Hearing him say this, I felt a flush of embarrassment and was very upset. I thought, “Zhang Tong has good caliber and knows how to do work. My caliber is poor and I can’t see through people or matters. If I keep insisting on my opinion and work really does get obstructed, what then? It’d be for the best if I just stopped insisting.” After the gathering, I thought about what Zhang Tong said, and it made me very upset. I felt that I was too lacking in caliber to do this job, so maybe I should acknowledge my limitations and resign as soon as I could. After learning about it, the leader drew on her experience to help me. With the leader’s fellowship, I began to reflect on why I kept wanting to resign and why I was always living in such a despondent state. Later on, I read God’s words: “All people have some incorrect states within them, like negativity, weakness, despondency, and fragility; or they have base intents; or they are constantly troubled by their pride, selfish desires, and self-interest; or they think that they are of poor caliber, and they experience some negative states. It will be very hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit if you always live in these states. If it is hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit, then the active elements within you will be few, and the negative elements will come out and disturb you. People always rely on their own will to repress those negative and adverse states, but no matter how they repress them, they cannot shake them off. The main reason for this is that people cannot thoroughly discern these negative and adverse things; they cannot see their essence clearly. This makes it very hard for them to rebel against the flesh and Satan. Also, people always get stuck in these negative, melancholic, and degenerate states, and they do not pray or look up to God, instead they just muddle through them. As a result, the Holy Spirit does not work in them, and they are consequently unable to understand the truth, they lack a path in everything they do, and they cannot see any matter clearly” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). Reading God’s words made things clear to me. The main reason I was always in a negative and gloomy state was because I was bound by things like vanity and selfish desires. Often, when fellowshipping God’s words in gatherings, I’d be able to glean some enlightenment, but I’d always feel inarticulate and bad at phrasing things. I was so worried that I wouldn’t fellowship well and that others would look down on me, so I didn’t dare to say anything, causing the bit of enlightenment I received to be lost. When I saw how high-caliber and eloquent other preachers were and how poorly I could express myself, I thought my caliber was too poor and felt embarrassed. Then I became negative and slacked off in my duty, didn’t get any results, and eventually was reassigned. This time was the same. I saw that my partners had good caliber and fellowshipped better than me. During work discussions, I was so afraid of losing face or being looked down on for not speaking well, so I didn’t dare speak my mind. Sometimes, when my correct ideas and views weren’t adopted, I didn’t dare stand up for my views, and only thought of saving my face. I was controlled by these negative emotions and even wanted to excuse myself from my duty. I really placed too much importance on vanity and pride! If I carried on like this, I’d never gain the Holy Spirit’s work, and I’d have no way to understand or gain the truth! So I prayed to God, asking Him to enlighten and guide me to know myself and turn my state around.

Later, I read God’s words: “Antichrists’ cherishment of their reputation and status goes beyond that of normal people, and is something within their disposition essence; it is not a temporary interest, or the transient effect of their surroundings—it is something within their life, their bones, and so it is their essence. This is to say that in everything antichrists do, their first consideration is their own reputation and status, nothing else. For antichrists, reputation and status are their life, and their lifelong goal. In all they do, their first consideration is: ‘What will happen to my status? And to my reputation? Will doing this give me a good reputation? Will it elevate my status in people’s minds?’ That is the first thing they think about, which is ample proof that they have the disposition and essence of antichrists; they would not consider these problems otherwise. It can be said that for antichrists, reputation and status are not some additional requirement, much less something extraneous that they could do without. They are part of the nature of antichrists, they are in their bones, in their blood, they are innate to them. Antichrists are not indifferent toward whether they possess reputation and status; this is not their attitude. Then, what is their attitude? Reputation and status are intimately connected to their daily lives, to their daily state, to what they pursue on a daily basis” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). From God’s words I saw that antichrists really cherish reputation and status. These two things motivate everything they do. This is a result of their antichrist essence. It also corresponded to how I was behaving. Ever since childhood, I’d felt nothing I did was any good. I felt constrained, and I was overcautious in everything I did. This was mainly because I wanted to save face and not have others look down on me. Why did I cherish my status and face so much? The root causes were satanic poisons like “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” which made me place so much importance on my vanity and pride. I just wanted to leave a good impression on others, and believed that this was the only way to have meaning in life. So no matter where I was or who I was with, if there was a possibility of me losing face, I would choose to run away, thereby protecting my face and status. While working with Zhang Tong, I saw my view being rejected and felt I’d lost face. I worried that if I remained as a leader, I’d only be embarrassed further, so I wanted to have the leader reassign me to another duty. In fact, on closer consideration, me being able to be a leader was God’s grace. I should’ve considered His intention, resolved others’ real difficulties, and protected the church’s work. But I wasn’t thinking about how to do my duty well, and only protected my face and status. When I lost these things, I became negative and stopped trying hard. I was truly without conscience or reason. Outwardly, I wasn’t vying for status or disturbing and disrupting church work like an antichrist, but on a matter as important as selecting and using people, I didn’t dare stick to principles, and tried to preserve my face and status at all times. What I had revealed was an antichrist’s disposition. I realized the seriousness of my problem, and so I prayed and repented to God.

After this, I opened up to a sister about my state and she gave me some of God’s words to read. Almighty God says: “How should people’s caliber be measured? It should be measured based on the degree to which they comprehend God’s words and the truth. This is the most accurate way of doing it. Some people are silver-tongued, quick-witted, and especially skilled at handling other people—but when they listen to sermons, they are never able to understand anything, and when they read God’s words, they do not comprehend them. When they talk about their experiential testimony, they always speak words and doctrines, revealing themselves to be mere amateurs, and giving others the sense that they have no spiritual understanding. These are people of poor caliber” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). “Would you say Paul had caliber? Which class did Paul’s caliber belong to? (It was very good.) You have heard so many sermons but still do not understand. Could Paul’s caliber be considered very good? (No, it was poor.) Why was Paul’s caliber poor? (He did not know himself and couldn’t comprehend God’s words.) It was because he did not comprehend the truth. He, too, had heard the sermons given by the Lord Jesus, and during the period he worked there was, of course, the work of the Holy Spirit. So how was it that, when he did all that work, wrote all those epistles, and traveled to all those churches, he still understood nothing of the truth and preached nothing but doctrine? What sort of caliber was that? A poor caliber. What’s more, Paul persecuted the Lord Jesus and arrested His disciples, after which the Lord Jesus struck him down with a great light from heaven. How did Paul approach and understand this great event that befell him? His mode of understanding was different from Peter’s. He thought, ‘The lord Jesus struck me down, I have sinned, so I must work harder to make up for this, and once my merits have balanced out my demerits, I shall be rewarded.’ Did he know himself? He did not. He did not say, ‘I opposed the Lord Jesus because of my malicious nature, my nature of an antichrist. I opposed the Lord Jesus—there’s nothing good about me!’ Did he possess such knowledge of himself? (No.) … He had not the slightest regret, much less any knowledge of himself. He had neither of these things. This shows that there was a problem with Paul’s caliber and that he did not have the ability to comprehend the truth” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). God’s words allowed me to understand that it isn’t in line with the truth at all to measure a person’s caliber based on their apparent eloquence, gifts and intelligence. Just like Paul; he was gifted, eloquent, and spread the gospel throughout most of Europe, but he couldn’t comprehend the truth, much less understand himself. He committed such great evils and never had any true self-knowledge or remorse. Instead, he just wanted to be rewarded and enter God’s kingdom by doing much work. Paul was unable to understand the truth and was a person of poor caliber. I’d always thought if a person could speak well and was smart, then their caliber was good, so I always judged myself by this standard. When I couldn’t meet this standard, I thought my caliber was lacking and that I couldn’t do the work of a leader. Then, when I ran into difficulties, I didn’t seek the truth to resolve them but became negative and slacked off, and eventually, even problems I could have solved remained unsolved. I’d been so foolish in not understanding the truth. Though my caliber wasn’t great, I was able to understand God’s words and had some knowledge of the corrupt disposition I was revealing. I was also able to draw on God’s words to resolve difficulties that others were having in their life entry, so it wasn’t as if my caliber was so poor that I was incapable of doing my duty. Realizing these things, my mindset changed somewhat and I could do my duty normally.

Later on, I read a couple of passages of God’s words that described my state very well. Almighty God says: “There are some people who, as children, were ordinary-looking, inarticulate, and not very quick-witted, causing others in their families and social environments to give rather unfavorable appraisals of them, saying things like: ‘This kid is dull-witted, slow, and a clumsy speaker. Look at other people’s children, who are so well-spoken that they can wrap people around their little finger. Whereas this kid just pouts all day long. He doesn’t know what to say when meeting people, doesn’t know how to explain or justify himself after doing something wrong, and can’t amuse people. This kid is an idiot.’ The parents say this, relatives and friends say this, and their teachers also say this. This environment exerts a certain, invisible pressure on such individuals. Through experiencing these environments, they unconsciously develop a certain kind of mindset. What kind of mindset? They think that they are not good-looking, not very likable, and that others are never happy to see them. They believe that they are not good at studying, are slow, and always feel embarrassed to open their mouths and speak in front of others. They are too embarrassed to say thank you when people give them something, thinking to themselves, ‘Why am I always so tongue-tied? Why are other people such smooth talkers? I’m just stupid!’ … After growing up in such an environment, this mindset of inferiority gradually takes over. It turns into a kind of lingering emotion that becomes tangled with your heart and fills your mind. Regardless of whether you are already grown, have gone out into the world, are married and established in your career, and regardless of your social status, this feeling of inferiority that was planted in your environment growing up is impossible to get rid of. Even after you start believing in God and join the church, you still think that you have average looks, have poor intellectual caliber, are inarticulate, and cannot do anything. You think, ‘I’ll just do what I can. I don’t need to aspire to be a leader, I don’t need to pursue profound truths, I’ll just be content with being the least significant one, and let others treat me however they like’” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). “When feelings of inferiority are implanted deeply in your heart, they not only have a profound effect on you, they also dominate your views on people and things, and your comportment and actions. So, how do those who are dominated by feelings of inferiority perceive people and things? They regard other people as better than themselves, and they also view antichrists as being better than themselves. Even though antichrists have evil dispositions and are of poor humanity, they still treat them as people to emulate and role models to learn from. They even say to themselves, ‘Look, although they have a bad disposition and evil humanity, they are gifted and are more capable in work than me. They can comfortably display their abilities in front of others and speak in front of so many people without blushing or having heart palpitations. They’ve really got guts. I can’t match up to them. I’m just not brave enough.’ What brought this on? It must be said that part of the reason is that your feelings of inferiority have affected your judgment of people’s essences, as well as your perspective and standpoint when it comes to viewing other people. Is this not the case? (It is.) So how do feelings of inferiority affect how you comport yourself? You tell yourself: ‘I was born stupid, with no gifts or strengths, and I am slow to learn everything. Look at that person: Although they sometimes cause disruptions and disturbances, and act arbitrarily and recklessly, at least they are gifted and have strengths. Wherever you go, they’re the kind of person that people want to make use of, and I’m not.’ Whenever anything happens, the first thing you do is pass a verdict on yourself and close yourself off. Whatever the issue is, you retreat and avoid taking initiative, and you fear taking on responsibility. You tell yourself, ‘I was born stupid. No matter where I go, no one likes me. I can’t stick my neck out, I mustn’t show off my minuscule abilities. If someone recommends me, that proves that I’m alright. But if no one recommends me, then it wouldn’t do for me to take the initiative to say that I can take on the job and do it well. If I’m not confident about it, I can’t say that I am—what if I mess it up, what would I do then? What if I got pruned? I’d be so ashamed! Wouldn’t that be humiliating? I can’t let that happen to me.’ Take a look—has it not affected your comportment? To a certain extent, your attitude toward how you comport yourself is influenced and controlled by your feelings of inferiority. To a certain extent, it can be called a consequence of your feelings of inferiority” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Having read God’s words, I felt that God truly understands us. What He exposed is precisely the way I think. It seemed that the importance I placed on face wasn’t the only reason for my despondency; there was another reason for this. Because of the influence of people and things around me, I’d developed feelings of inferiority, become unable to view myself correctly, and always felt nothing I did was any good, so I was overcautious, repressed, and restrained in everything I did. I thought back on how I’d not liked speaking as a child, and how I was often despised and called dull or stupid by adults. But in reality, I did have my own opinions, even though I didn’t voice them at the time; it’s just that I didn’t speak for fear of losing face. I didn’t dare say anything in classes, not because I didn’t understand, but because I felt I was inarticulate, which made me too scared to speak. When reading God’s words in gatherings, I was able to glean some enlightenment, but when I thought of how I lacked eloquence, I didn’t dare fellowship. Also, when I saw Zhang Tong not keeping to principles in choosing and using people, I wanted to remind him about it, but when I thought of how good his caliber was and how nothing I did was any good, I just went ahead and rejected my ideas, without seeking, discussing or looking into things further, and as a result, the work suffered losses. I was living with an inferiority complex and had a passive, negative attitude toward everything. I wasn’t judging myself or others according to God’s words, but only according to my own views. My feelings of inferiority dominated how I viewed things and viewed people, and they influenced my judgment and my path of pursuit. These feelings of inferiority had seriously harmed me. Immediately after this, I read more of God’s words: “This emotion of yours is not only negative, to be more accurate, it is actually in opposition to God and the truth. You might think that this is an emotion within normal humanity, but in God’s eyes, this is not just a simple matter of emotion, but a method of opposition to God. It is a method marked by negative emotions that people use to resist God, God’s words and the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Having read God’s words, I saw the serious nature of feelings of inferiority and the harm they cause, and that they’re no less damaging to a person than a corrupt disposition. Living with this kind of inferiority complex is in direct opposition to God and the truth, and if it isn’t resolved, it ruins a person’s chance at salvation. I had been ensnared in these feelings of inferiority since childhood, and always felt nothing I did was any good. When I was around people with good caliber in particular, I saw myself as even more lacking, I felt repressed and pained, and blamed God for not giving me good caliber or intelligence. I was dissatisfied with God’s sovereignty and arrangements and refused to accept them, which was essentially defying God! How could I not be eliminated if I carried on like this? Only when I realized these things did I finally feel that it was too dangerous to live with an inferiority complex, that I couldn’t carry on like this, and that I had to cast these feelings off.

Later on, I read more of God’s words: “How can you accurately evaluate and know yourself, and break away from the feeling of inferiority? You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have. For example, suppose that you used to like singing and did it well, but some people kept criticizing you and belittling you, saying that you were tone-deaf and that your singing was out of tune, so now you feel that you cannot sing well and no longer dare to do it in front of others. Because those worldly folks, those muddleheaded people and mediocre people, made inaccurate evaluations and judgments about you, the rights that your humanity deserves were curtailed, and your talent was stifled. As a result, you do not dare to even sing a song, and you are only brave enough to let go and sing out loud when no one is around or you are just by yourself. Because you ordinarily feel so horribly repressed, when you are not alone you dare not sing a song; you dare to sing only when you are alone, enjoying the time when you can sing out loud and clear, and what a wonderful, liberating time that is! Is that not so? Because of the harm that people have done to you, you do not know or cannot see clearly what it is that you can actually do, what you are good at, and what you are not good at. In this kind of situation, you must make a correct evaluation and take the correct measure of yourself according to God’s words. You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad. If you cannot understand or gain clear knowledge of your own problems, then ask the people around you with understanding to make an appraisal of you. Regardless of whether what they say is accurate, it will at least give you something to reference and consider and will enable you to have a basic judgment or characterization of yourself. You can then solve the essential problem of negative emotions like inferiority, and gradually emerge from them. Such feelings of inferiority are easy to resolve if one can discern them, awaken to them, and seek the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Having read God’s words, I found a way to let go of these feelings of inferiority. I had to use God’s words to understand and measure myself, and I could also ask people who knew me well to evaluate me. So I prayed to God, “God! I now know how dangerous living with an inferiority complex is. I want to cast off these feelings, so please help me.” Later, I asked my partners to evaluate me. They said, “Seeing as how you can comprehend God’s words purely, and you’re able to fellowship God’s words in relation to your corruptions and state, and help others resolve their real issues, you aren’t as incompetent as you say. Even though your caliber isn’t great, so long as you put your heart into doing things, you can do real work.” Hearing my brothers and sisters say this made me feel a little more at ease, and I thought, “Though I’m not as good at expressing myself as some of the others, everyone can understand me in my fellowship. I shouldn’t feel constrained. I should just fellowship as much as I’m able to. I shouldn’t just think of how to make others admire me; I have to focus on how to fellowship practically to resolve problems and benefit the brothers and sisters. Also, though my caliber is lacking, by practicing more, I can make up for my shortcomings and improve my caliber. I shouldn’t compare myself with others or become negative and sell myself short. I have to seek entry with a positive attitude.” Realizing these things, I was able to treat myself correctly and my mindset became much better in doing my duty.

I was chosen as a preacher again recently. This was unexpected, and I worried I wouldn’t be able to do it. Then, I recalled that God’s words say: “You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). I have to measure things by God’s words. The reason I didn’t do this duty well before wasn’t only due to a lack of caliber. It was mainly because I was living with an inferiority complex, not putting my heart into cooperating, and unable to gain the Holy Spirit’s work. I couldn’t keep living with these feelings of inferiority, thinking about my face and status. Since my brothers and sisters chose me, I should do my best to cooperate, and if there were things I didn’t understand, I should rely on God more and seek help from others. With this mindset, I felt much more relaxed and liberated. Shortly after, a sister in charge of gospel work came to check our work. I saw that she was very capable in her work and in fellowshipping the truth, and she pointed out a lot of deviations and oversights in our work. I was scared that she’d say I was incompetent, but I quickly realized I was considering my face and status again, so I prayed to God to rebel against myself, and wanted to learn more from this sister and make up for my shortcomings. After this, while discussing work, I didn’t hold back in expressing my views, and by communicating with her, I gained some paths of practice. Through the guidance of God’s words, I escaped from the confines of my inferiority complex.